


Blue Against Blue

by matan4il



Series: Blue Against Blue [1]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: 911 Calls, Blow Jobs, Buddie First Kiss Week 2020, Coming Untouched, Domestic, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, First Kiss, First Time Blow Jobs, Food Sex, Gay Club, Hand Jobs, Jealous Eddie Diaz, M/M, Mirror Sex, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Outdoor Sex, Possessive Eddie Diaz, Rain Sex, Rimming, Semi-Public Sex, Sex against a car, Use of Homophobic Slur, emergency calls, good father Eddie Diaz, ice cream sex, including fatalities, involving a child (not Chris), neck bulge sex, outdoors sex, slight training related asphyxiation in chapter1
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-31
Updated: 2020-09-03
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:35:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 77,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24473641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/matan4il/pseuds/matan4il
Summary: Eddie gets an opportunity he's wanted for a long time, to attend the advanced firefighting training course on behalf of the 118. He's fought for this, just like he's been fighting for the sake of his son Chris to keep his marriage to Shannon afloat. A fellow firefighter at the course turns out to be everything he couldn't have expected.OrA Buddie tribute to the movie Free Fall, a same-sex love story, as well as an exploration of male intimacy and how it grows physically and emotionally.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: Blue Against Blue [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1767703
Comments: 964
Kudos: 499





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic IS finished and will be updated regularly. Tags will be updated per chapter.
> 
> I highly recommend watching Free Fall if you haven't already, though this fic has taken a few liberties in order to make the story more in character for Buddie. The themes of the movie I hopefully managed to be faithful to. 
> 
> Heads up, I've planted a few Easter eggs along the fic, enjoy spotting them. ;) 
> 
> In this fic, Eddie and Shannon are married, though it's in name only. In that sense, this fic could be said to contain technical cheating. 
> 
> Biggest thank you to [Toughpaperround](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToughPaperRound/pseuds/ToughPaperRound) for the beta reading and the banners and to [Meloingly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/meloingly/pseuds/meloingly) for the gamma reading. I also want to thank the following, because without them, this fic would not have existed, been completed as fast or it would have been poorer: Agnes, Jen, Kate, Louise, Eli, Nilshki, Seventeen, Jenny, Abbie, Sib and Katie. Thank you all for being this fic’s village!

It was like a moment in a dream that one's trapped in, unaware and unable to wake up. A mass of built bodies running together along the stadium's track, somewhat scattered from leader to tail, but all running at exactly the same pace. Inhaling loudly, exhaling louder, feet lifting off the ground, then hitting the paved path with a disharmonious thud, again and again, running in circles, no end in sight.

He's not asleep. Eddie's focused on the nape of the man running in front of him. On the short bright hairs, trailing beneath the man's haircut. They curl just a touch and look so soft. If Eddie picked up the pace just a bit, if he broke the monotonous rhythm by speeding up by only a notch, he could reach out and touch them.

Not that he knows why he'd want to. Maybe just to prove to himself that he can. Break away from the pack, show everyone that he's someone to watch out for. It would require more effort, especially since he's not yet kicked his smoking habit like he's been meaning to before coming here, and he's not sure it's worth it.

The guy in front of him takes a quick peek behind his back. It wasn't long enough for Eddie to catch more than a hint of the man's face. The impression he leaves is mostly of his eyes. They were downcast when he glanced back, but he's a little taller and that allows Eddie to notice how focused the look there is.

As if that glimpse back was all it took for the man to be able to read Eddie's mind and his intention, he starts picking up his own pace. It's almost like he's being deliberately mocking, making sure he's out of reach. The effort Eddie would have to put in now in order to catch up would be even greater than before, but he doesn't hesitate. This man is not gonna show him up. He strains his muscles with more effort, raising his speed. He starts moving past all the other guys. One by one, sometimes by two or three, Eddie's bypassing all of them. Soon enough, he's almost at the front of the group. The only one he cannot catch up with, he's almost there, an inch away, but not quite, is the man he's chasing. Every time Eddie thinks he's about to get to him, the guy inches just a bit further ahead.

This is not a dream. The sudden pressure in Eddie's lungs reminds him. It's the first day, the first run they're taking during the academy's advanced firefighting training course. The one he's been begging Bobby to let him go on for who knows how long. His Captain had finally approved, then later the department chief and finally, the LAFD's finance officer in charge of their firehouse signed off as well. They agreed based on the promise he's shown: top of his class at the fire fighting academy and excelling in the field. The pressure he's feeling in his lungs suddenly becomes a sharp pang and Eddie lets up. He allows his legs to slow down, his oxygen intake to decrease. The men he bypassed before now all move past him and the slower he goes, the more he's noticing himself hyperventilating and he tries to calm his breathing down. He does his best to continue, but the sharp pain in his lungs has turned into a spreading burn. He comes to a stop. Without the heaving of the men around him and the scenery surrounding the track eerily unchanging no matter how far they run, the illusion of a dream is broken. This has been his goal for so long and here he is, fucking up on the very first run.

* * *

Shannon would be waiting for him to call. Eddie knows exactly the kind of displeasure she'd voice if he puts it off for too long, so he goes looking for a public phone as soon as he can. They've got a break after the first couple of classes and afterwards, they'll be handed their room keys. He needs to find a payphone and get back before that, he's been dying to unload his bag. He curses the need to run around on campus grounds to find a spot to call her, but there's no other option. They're not allowed cellphones within the perimeter and even though he told Shannon that, the flicker in her eyes was clear. Not too deep down inside, they're both aware she suspects that this is just an excuse. Just like him wanting to go on this course itself.

The phone at home rings, but no one picks up. Eddie takes a moment to wonder where Shannon and Christopher might be. Or if they're even together. After all, Chris might be spending the afternoon with Tia Pepa or Abuela. Whatever his wife might think, he wishes he could have had a cellphone here, now even more than before. He's surprised he couldn't reach her and if this keeps up, not being able to do more than guess what's going on back home could drive him crazy.

He makes his way to the classroom they'd been hoarded into earlier, after they were done with the morning warm-ups and the run. So far, during the initial introduction of the course's schedule and their first classes, Eddie had been doing a good job of ignoring the guy who has outshone them all. It wasn't too hard, he sat at the back of the room while Eddie has always favored a front seat. He'd never had an easy time keeping his attention span in check at school, until he realized sitting at the front forced him into concentration. Some men asked questions, nothing too exciting, and Eddie duly took notes. Having come back from the break, they all take their seats and wait to be told which dorm-room they are going to be in. In the LAFD's academy, they got to go home at the end of each day, but here they don't. Firefighting capabilities are best tested under pressure, that's the party line, and not letting the trainees visit their homes, not even the ones who live close by, certainly accomplishes that. Hearing they'll have to remain on site and bunk together was another thing that made Shannon upset, even after Eddie promised her there'd be no other women around. The brass, he recounted, decided that the on campus sleeping arrangements were reason enough to split the course into two and hold it on one campus for the women and on another for the men. Four men per room, that's what Cap told him, and he reassured her that didn't make Eddie too happy either. That this was a sacrifice for him, one he was willing to make for the sake of his career which benefited them as a family.

The course commander, Chief Jones, explains where they'll find their dorm rooms and tells them he'll start reading off the names from the list. Every four men whose names he'll call out are to come up to him and get their room key from the Sergeant. The corner of Eddie's lip quirks. Of course there'd only be one key for the whole group. No one will admit it, but teamwork is something they'll be observed on and it won't happen only during the exercises. Eddie's been in the army, he recognizes the unofficial evaluation tricks. This isn't a qualification course, they don't have to pass any exams, but organizations like the army and firefighting departments like to use every opportunity they get to further assess the recruits and add to their personal files. Once they get their key, the Chief finishes up, they'll be free to go to their room and settle in.

The course commander calls the first group of four to him. The men each grab their duffel bags as he reads their names out one by one, they walk up to his desk and once they get their key, they all leave together. It's on to the next group and Eddie's is the second name called after some guy named Mike. Eddie's already been holding onto the strap of his bag, ready to leap up from his chair, so he quickly steps up to the commander's desk as he hears a third name read out, Jay.

The last name declared for the men in his room is Evan and Eddie can't believe his shitty luck. The guy from the track stands up at the back of the class and makes his way to the front, where the three of them are standing next to the commander. Mike grabs their room key and they all turn and leave the classroom.

Every building on this training campus has only the one floor, with all of the rooms opening up directly to the campus grounds, forming a long row of doors. As soon as they're outside, they have a brief round of acknowledging head nods, then they turn to walk over to their dormitories without many pleasantries. Eddie's annoyed. He's not a short man by any means. He's taller than most people he's met and this Evan guy, walking just a step ahead of him, has only got about two inches over him, no more than that. That's still impressive, he supposes, but for him it's mostly just enough to be irritating. He really doesn't like the thought of this guy towering just an edge over him for the rest of the course. Eddie figures he's going to unpack his bag as quickly as possible, earn a few minutes from the allotted time for settling in to try and reach Shannon again. Then he'll try and stay out of his dorm room as much as possible for the remainder of this course.

* * *

The grey morning finds Eddie tired and cranky. Nothing had gone right the day before. He finally caught Shannon on the phone only for them to end up arguing again. Turns out they had miscommunicated, again. She was out on some errands when he had called her, left early especially so she could be home waiting by the time she believed he'd call. By that time, he was in class again and she waited in vain. When he finally got her on the line, she was too exasperated with the long wait and the weight of suspicion to talk calmly. He wasn't doing so great with his responses either, upset by her unspoken accusations and an inability to fathom how she could assume he'd have any say in when he got to a phone. If that wasn't enough, by the time he got back to his room, Jay, Mike and that annoying Evan were in the final stages of getting ready for sleep while chatting animatedly to each other. He rushed through everything, hating that they'd all gotten in bed and were waiting on him to turn off the light. He did and got in the top bunk bed he'd settled in earlier, but his fight with Shannon made falling asleep rather difficult. Even when he finally did, he was woken up in the middle of the night by a cold draft. Tracing where he can feel its trajectory in the dark, he concluded the windowpane next to his top bunk must have been somewhat crooked and that's why it didn't close all the way. He tried to bury his head under the cover, but it was too stifling. He kept slipping in and out of sleep until his morning alarm went off, forcing him to get out of his bed, feeling unrested and unwelcomed.

The second day's morning classes are centered on the subject of chemical weapons. The basics are familiar to everyone and Chief Jones rushes to the more advanced material after he makes sure they've all got a good foundation when it comes to this subject. He covers the new kinds that have been developed in recent years and what their effects are on the human body. There's naturally some questions here and there, but mostly it's the course commander talking. He moves on to the variety of protective gear that have been developed against these newer chemical weapons, their advantages, their shortcomings, which ones might become available to which fire department. There's a new type of bio suits which have just been purchased and will be introduced into their firehouses over the course of the next couple of years and the commander sounds genuinely excited talking about that. He introduces their general features, then points out which are innovative and concludes the class by telling them that next, they'll do an exercise with the new suits in the tear gas tent. They'll get to see the new gear and it will help test these suits, make sure they're fit and ready to be used.

When they're lined up outside the tent, they get instructions on how to put on and use the new bio suits. The ventilation system is one of the innovations the chief was quite thrilled about, but it's not been plugged in yet and they'll have to do that themselves, so this exercise isn't checking for times, trying to get them faster or more efficiently into their gear. It's only meant to acquaint them with equipment they'll soon be exercising with regularly. Once their instructor is sure they have got all the information that they need, he gives them the go ahead and they start putting on their gear.

Eddie's mind drifts off, not even to one specific place. A part of it wonders about Shannon and he hopes her anger at him isn't spilling over into her time with Chris. Another part is wondering how he'll resolve the mess with that crooked windowpane. He can't keep being woken up at night by the cold and worse, he may get sick from it. And in between, he's floating in the haze of his mind after the last rough 24 hours. He hoped he'd shake it off, but it just won't go away.

He's been paired off with that guy, Evan, because of course. He does his best to keep his eye-rolling under control. Hears his father's voice reminding him to keep a grip on things. The bulk of it is that nobody likes a whiner, no matter if this course really does keep getting worse and worse.

After all the men are in full gear, the instructor reminds them of the procedure that they'll follow. All of them have been through a tear gas tent exercise before, but the refresher is mandatory. The pairs will go into the tent together after the tear gas has filled up the place to test the suits' impenetrability. They're to check in on each other that everything's okay in intervals of 30 seconds, which will also test the sound clarity and the watches that come with their suits. After five minutes, they're to take off the suits' masks. If they can't feel a difference between the two states, their suit won't be considered cleared for use. Either the suit failed and they were exposed to the gas before and after taking off the mask, meaning their suit had some sort of a malfunction, or they were fine having developed immunity to the tear gas and their suit will need to be re-tested by someone else.

The exercise starts and they don't have to wait too long before Eddie and that Evan guy get the signal to go in. The first thirty seconds come and go, they let each other know they're fine. Around one minute into the exercise, Eddie's eyes start to mildly sting. He's convinced it's not a problem, past experience has shown him that sometimes the knowledge that the surrounding environment is full of tear gas has a psychological effect that mildly imitates some of the exposure symptoms. He tells the other man he's alright. By the time they're around the minute and a half mark, he can't. The sting in his eyes is so strong that he has to close them in an attempt to reduce it, his skin is suffering a nasty tingling, his nose is irritated too, his breathing is laboured and pained. When he tries to communicate his situation, he can't, his throat contracts and he begins to violently cough.

He panics at that and can't stop his fingers from moving to and digging into the mask, desperately looking to take it off. A distant part of him might be saying he shouldn't, but he can't hear it properly over the haze in his mind, ever present today and progressively intensifying the worse his physical state is getting.

Something reaches out from behind him. Strong arms, coming out of nowhere, grabbing his hands, dragging them away from the mask and keeping them against his body, holding them there in an unrelenting embrace. He's being pulled flush against the man the arms belong to, then away from where he was standing, but he can't comprehend more than that, the pain, constant tears and coughing overtake his senses.

Before he knows it, his body's hitting the ground outside of the tent, he's rolled onto his back and someone is pulling off his mask. He can breathe clean air again, still suffering violent coughs, but in between one and the next, he's finally gasping in oxygen. He has no idea how long that lasts, maybe it's only a few seconds, maybe much longer, before the coughing starts to subside. The stinging in his eyes, nose, throat, on his skin, it doesn't go away, but it doesn't hurt anymore either. When the coughing is almost at a stop, he dares open his eyes. He looks up and takes in the sight. The skies, so much brighter than that morning, spreading out endlessly above him and right in the middle of it, a face leaning in, observing him with genuine concern. What an image, the sky and those irises. Blue against blue.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, a huge thank you to [Toughpaperround](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToughPaperRound/pseuds/ToughPaperRound) for the gorgeous banners for this fic! You can see them with the updates on [my Tumblr](https://matan4il.tumblr.com/).

Eddie's leaning against a wall, having left Chief Jones' office and is smoking a cigarette. He has a moment to himself after the talk they've had and before he needs to call Shannon. Or, even if he doesn't have it, he needs it. He's been unable to catch a break ever since he got here, which isn't characteristic for him, at least in a professional capacity. No matter what else he screws up, he does a good job in the field, they wouldn't have sent him here if he hadn't. He excelled during his days in the firefighting academy. He's not doing so brilliantly now. For starters, he's no longer in the same shape he was back then. Of course, that was before he picked up cigarettes to help him deal with the stress.

Then there was was the stupid suit with its ventilation system that they were meant to plug in themselves. Turns out, he had a momentary lapse in concentration and didn't do it quite as they were told to. The instructor figured it out and the chief was not happy about that. He reminded him how coveted every spot in the course is, how many men would fight for this opportunity and to not throw it away by slacking off. Which is infuriating, that's the last thing Eddie intended on doing. But he's too familiar with such systems to think correcting his superior officers gets you anywhere. Maybe with Bobby, back at the 118, because his Captain actually cares about him as a person, but not here at this course. Not with most of the men hardened by years of fighting colleagues to snag the top positions in their alpha male dominated field.

It's such bullshit, but that's simply the way it is. Eddie had to sit there and be reprimanded like an unruly child, as if he wasn't a capable firefighter and a doting father who daily dealt with numerous challenges. True, he wasn't shaping out to be the best of husbands. He's had his past failures, too. And maybe he deserved to be told off for his screw up with the suit ventilation, he certainly was unhappy with himself, but there was the question of tone used in the meeting. Not to mention, there were mitigating circumstances that he would have pointed out if he thought anyone would care to listen to them. Providing the right environment for firefighters to get a good night's sleep and be able to focus during the next day, for example, was not supposed to be his responsibility.

He loses himself, gazing at the red light highlighting the tip of the cigarette which he was holding between his fingers, constantly moving as the fire consumed it away. In a few seconds, it will scorch his skin. He's transfixed, but he does put it out in time, then grabs for the packet in his breast pocket, to pull out another cigarette.

A tall figure walks up from behind him, turns a corner and then abruptly stops by his side. Evan.

"Hey, man," he says and his voice is tinged with awkwardness. "You okay?"

Eddie nods slowly. He's not sure that he is, but there's no need to confess that. "Thanks for..." he stops, because 'saving me' sounds like too much, even though it's arguably true. Then again, his brain isn't supplying him with anything else.

"Oh, no worries, you don't have to thank me for that. It's what we're trained to do, right?" Eddie smiles and he's sure it's a bit crooked at the corner of his mouth. It is. He's just not meant to be the guy on the receiving end of it. "So...?" Evan shoves his hands into his trouser pockets and asks, expectantly. "What did he say?" he accompanies that with a tilt of his head in the general direction of Chief Jones' office.

Eddie hesitates for a moment, but then relents. "What could he say? One more fuck up like that and they'll send me packing."

He gets a nod in response. "Then we'll have to make sure you don't."

Eddie laughs at that and it's more heartfelt than he would have expected. "You're gonna make sure of that?"

"Of course I will. Didn't you notice? I'm pretty badass at what we do." 

Eddie shakes his head, but he's smiling.

The man suddenly straightens up and his height's even more remarkable like that, as he stretches out his hand for a shake.

Eddie lowers his gaze to it and before he stops to really consider it, he's smiling as he takes the offered hand and shakes it. "Nice to properly meet you, Evan. I'm Eddie."

"Ummm. Buck, actually."

"What?"

"My name," for a guy with such an imposing physical presence, it's almost ridiculous how awkward he seems at certain moments. It seeps under Eddie's skin with how different it is to what he expected. "I guess, yeah, it's Evan, but everyone calls me Buck."

"Buck?" That's unusual.

"Because of my last name, Buckley." The guy looks like he wants to bury himself.

Eddie's smile tilts up a bit more at the corners. "Nice to meet you, Buck," he adjusts.

Buck grins back at him and it's nearly blinding. It's too big, easy and open to be anything but completely genuine. It's so different to the focused look Eddie briefly remembers from the other day during the run. Almost like a contradiction in terms.

Buck lets go of his hand and turns to take a spot by his side and lean against the wall next to him. The cigarette in Eddie's hand is still unlit and he starts tapping his uniform's many pockets to find the one he placed his lighter in. He's interrupted before he retrieves it.

"Are you sure you should be smoking after that incident today?"

Eddie squints and asks in amusement, "Why, you're worried tobacco won't be strong enough for me now that I've inhaled tear gas?" 

Buck laughs. "I mean, if I were you and I had to smoke, I'd at least go for a joint. Not as bad for your airways." He radiates how pleased he is with the idea.

Eddie stops himself from jumping out of his skin at the suggestion. "A joint?" He asks, voice hushed and incredulous. "That's really what you just said to me, here, on this campus? Have you lost your mind, man?"

"Well, I sure as hell wouldn't be smoking that poison that you are... Did you know they believe that worldwide, health issues because of cigarettes cause someone to die every five seconds?" 

"Maybe, but you're still talking about breaking some fundamental firefighters' rules, brother."

Buck looks at him and there's a subtle change that passes over his face for a brief second, gone before Eddie can identify it. "C'mon. Live a little," the man insists with a wink.

"I don't know, man. The jury's still out on how unconcerned you should be about weed. Do you know how much ammonia is in that shit?"

He gets a huff of laughter in return. "Your concern for my health is duly appreciated."

The cigarette in his hand is getting less interesting by the minute and he shoves it back into his breast pocket, next to the packet it came from. "Yeah, well," Eddie says without being sure himself what he wants to express. "Gotta have someone to watch my back next time we do a drill in the gas tent, right?"

* * *

It's Buck who comes up with the idea of sneaking out past the designated 'lights out' time to the campus' swimming pool. Mike and Jay look at him like he's crazy and Eddie shares their reservation. He really doesn't want another strike on this course.

He says it right before he's supposed to slip into the top bunk for the night. It's the one Eddie first slept in. He told Buck about the windowpane and the two of them tried fixing it together, without much success given their general lack of the required handyman tools. Eddie told the Sergeant about the issue, making sure it doesn't come across as a complaint or an excuse for the suit screw up. He was told maintenance will be informed and they'll fix the issue as soon as possible, in a week at most. Buck seethed when he heard that answer from him and Eddie had to calm him down. It was funny, the way Buck was more upset than he was. Touching, even, though Eddie assumes it's mostly about lack of experience with how these organizations work. Then Buck suggested they'd switch beds. Naturally, because he doesn't seem capable of doing anything by half measures. He argued that they can shove a spare blanket against the window, but they can't block out the draft completely and he doesn't mind the cold, he can sleep through anything. Eddie was doubtful, but when Buck kept insisting, he agreed, making the man promise him that if it gets to be too much, he'd say so and they'd switch back.

"Come on!" Buck cries out, "Even if someone catches us, it's such a minor thing, who'd report us for that? I bet we'd hardly be the first ones to do this!"

Eddie is not as convinced. Most of the firefighters in this course are a little older than Buck and more settled in their ways. Like he himself should be. Only he takes one glance in the direction of the blanket-covered window and against his better judgment, he agrees.

They didn't exactly bring swimming suits with them to the course. No one informed them there'd be a pool there, so they sneak off in their running clothes. The pool's outside, barred off using stretched out ropes around its perimeter and the general warning by the chief on their first day not to break any rules on the campus grounds. It's waveless and glistening in the moonlight, Eddie can definitely see why Buck was enticed to come here at this particular hour. They hop over the ropes easily and by the side of the pool, Eddie stops to consider how he should proceed. On the one hand, it makes perfect sense to strip down to his boxer briefs and get as few clothes as possible wet, on the other, the air is cold enough that the thought of taking off any garments is repugnant. But if it's cold now, when they come out of... his train of thought is cut off when something rushes by him and he finds himself wetter than he was a moment ago.

While Eddie was contemplating his options, Buck ran straight to the pool and launched his body at it like a cannonball.

"What the hell, man?" Eddie cries out after he was hit by the drops flying out from Buck's point of impact with the water.

His anger doesn't intimidate his friend, who laughs at him and calls out, "Don't be jealous just because you don't have the balls to do this!"

Eddie's eyebrows both rise in indignation. "Me? I don't have the balls to...? I'll show you balls!" He says as his feet are already working to kick off his shoes, right before he flings himself into the water. He aims to land as close to Buck as he can with as big a splash as possible. When his head peeks out of the water next to the other man, he's pretty satisfied with the result of his efforts. That doesn't last for long, since Buck covers the small distance between them and seeks to grab his head and playfully push it into the water. Eddie returns the playful move and they mock fight for a while, both laughing so hard that Eddie's surprised they didn't swallow any water by accident. When the fighting naturally dies down, his face hurts from having smiled so much. He can't remember the last time he's had that kind of ache.

He swims over to the side of the pool and pulls himself out of the water.

"Come on, we need to go back now or we won't get any sleep," he shouts, but he can tell he's not being followed. He turns around and sees Buck tilting his head back, eyes closed, neck stretched up. It's nothing but a tiny dip in the water, but he looks like he's given himself over to it. Eddie averts his eyes, like he's witnessed something he wasn't supposed to.

* * *

The next morning, Eddie wakes up after a far more restful night. Even though the previous day's mishap in the tear gas tent was stressful and the short phone call he had with Shannon before bedtime didn't help, letting out some energy in the pool had exhausted him enough that he slept well. Together with the other men in his room, they walked to the breakfast hall together and later to class as well. There's something about this dynamic that puts him at ease. These may not end up being friendships he'll maintain after they've finished the course, but they definitely help make this a nicer experience. Today he's a lot less alone than he was yesterday.

On their way to class, Buck won't stop yawning like crazy. Mike jabs him in the ribs. "Exhausted, ha? Serves you right for having snuck out to the pool."

His tone makes it clear this is not a proper attack, but Eddie reacts before he can decide if it's smart to bite back, especially when loneliness has just been on his mind. "You sure you're not just jealous that you didn't join us?"

Mike flubbers a denial while Jay chuckles at this, but Eddie's eyes are trained on Buck, who sends him the biggest grin in return. He looks so pleased to have had someone come to his defense that while maybe Eddie should be, he's not particularly bothered by how miserable Mike looks. 

When they arrive at the classroom and walk in, Eddie takes his seat at the front without even pausing to consider it. He peeks at the back of the class and notices Buck, who entered the room ahead of him, settled in his spot, too. These are not permanent sitting places, he could change to another chair if he wanted to, but there was a good reason he chose this one to begin with. Buck probably had a good reason for his choice, too. Still, he can't help notice a momentary pang of disappointment.

He turns his attention back to the Sergeant, who starts on a new technique for fighting forest fires that's currently being tested in Germany and Norway, one that's supposed to be greener. Eddie dutifully takes notes, pushing what bugs him down. As the Sergeant allows for questions, which end up evolving into a discussion, he forgets everything else and time flies by. After a couple of hours, they get a fifteen minute break to stretch their legs. He's grateful for it and does almost that, reaches up his hands above his head, when he senses a presence at his side. He lets his arms down, some of the tension of sitting for such a long while draining out of his system. As he turns to his side, he finds himself brushing up against Buck, who's smiling at him.

"What a poet Sarge is, huh? The way he described those forest fires..."

Eddie looks around to make sure the Sergeant is out of earshot, before he chuckles. "Could have given Shakespeare a run for his money."

They chat comfortably, when they get a reminder the break is almost up as the guy who was seated in the chair on Eddie's left returns from the bathroom.

"Hey, man," Buck half leans into the guy's space, "do you mind switching seats with me?"

The man appears to be mulling this over. He takes Buck in, almost like he's trying to determine whether there's some catch involved in this. But then, the spots at the front of the class don't hold any real advantages, especially not for anyone preferring to be away from the Chief or the Sergeant's watchful eyes. Eddie guesses most of the men would concede that it'd be a shame to turn the request down. On the other hand, maybe this guy chose his seat based on a similar rationale of it being easier to maintain alertness here or some other consideration of this sort.

"Yeah, fine," the guy finally says, "but you owe me one."

Buck bumps his fist against the man's shoulder in gratitude and agreement, while Eddie stands lighter on his feet. When the class resumes, he finds it much easier to concentrate.

* * *

The greenery around them is a whole different type of serene. Eddie considers the trees surrounding the campus' track from afar. There, the trees are so distant, they almost make up one entity, silent and monotonous, closing in on the stadium from all directions and making it seem like being caught in a dream without end. 

This trail they're running on, in comparison, is found beyond the edge of the campus and its restrictions. The path passes through the forest that grows wild just outside the training grounds, a universe unto itself, not only a background piece to the training men. They were told on the first day they were allowed to come here if they preferred using this trail to the campus track as long as they made it back in time for their next scheduled activity. 

This place is alive with the noises of birds and small animals. There's the hint of motion that he catches occasionally where smaller wildlife must be moving clandestinely between the bushes. The trees don't blend in, each one is protruding into the air in its own unique way, displaying different shades of green, various leaf textures. They're as individual as humans believe themselves to be and Eddie loves it all, even as he curses himself for his horrible smoking habit.

Buck was the one who suggested that they start frequenting this trail and run for a bit to help Eddie build up his endurance. "You have the muscles for this," he said, "all we need to work on is making your lungs catch up with it."

It sounded like a good idea and Eddie has to admit to himself that running through this landscape did motivate him at first, but now the familiar burn is increasing and starting to get to him. The beauty of his surroundings is fading into the background as he tries to keep pushing, but just like on the track, he starts falling behind, overtaken by the desire to stop. It's as if the run has transformed into something more akin to a torture or madness, doing the same thing over and over again, expecting improvement, but getting the same nasty results. 

Buck's running a couple of strides ahead of him, but he slows down his pace to join him. "Don't forget to count for even breaths."

This looks effortless to him. Eddie was jealous the first morning, but now he's full of admiration, alongside doubt that he could ever achieve the same ease with which Buck is gliding over the ground next to him. His smile is bright and errant rays of light, falling on him here and there from between the branches, frame it perfectly. Everything about him shines. Eddie smiles back at him and even though he still hates the ache in his lungs, he's not slowing down anymore.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter three is up and belongs to Buddie First Kiss Week, for free choice day.
> 
> The ever lovely [Toughpaperround](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToughPaperRound/pseuds/ToughPaperRound) encouraged me to try and create something visual for this fic, so I finally caved and tried to make a moodboard, which for now you can see on [my Tumblr](https://matan4il.tumblr.com/). Some of the images have already been featured in the first three chapters, others are mentioned later in the story. 
> 
> This chapter is dedicated to the sweet [Jen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jecari/pseuds/Jecari), who identified an Easter egg in the last one, in how Buck introduces himself to Eddie. He does so by saying, “Buck, actually,” a nod to the title of 911′s episode 208, where Buck met the surviving partner of the elderly gay couple. 
> 
> If you’ve been following or supporting this fic, thank you so much! This chapter is then also dedicated to you!

Buck must be dreaming. His head is resting on Eddie's shoulder, their sides pressed together. He's sound asleep and must be in one of the deep stages of it, dreaming, if the movement under his shut eyelids is anything to go by. Eddie doesn't want to wake his friend up, so he does his best not to move and curses inwardly every time their car hits a bump in the road as they make their way back to the training grounds. Each time, thankfully, even if Buck moves, he doesn't wake. 

Mike's the one driving them back from this short outing to the small town situated closest to their camp. It's nothing official, but whispers among the trainees claimed that it's tradition to have an evening out on the town like this as the courses draw to a close, so after they finished this day's schedule and their dinner, the men all squeezed themselves into several cars and drove to the sleepy town. Going by the way no one batted an eyelash at their gang as they strolled along its main street, the gossip wasn't wrong and the townies have seen quite a few of these raids by firefighters in training. It was a nice and companionable experience, everyone seemed to be in a good mood to leave the campus grounds for a couple of hours, chatting away and laughing. Eddie noticed that while all of the men came out there together, they did display the tendency to move in smaller groups that matched their sleeping arrangements almost perfectly. Here and there, some stopped at one of the shops or dining spots before catching up with the rest.

Their gang of four found itself stopping at a small Italian ice cream place since Jay was gung ho for some. He was enthusiastic enough that he infected the rest of them, too. As they took their spot in line, Buck tapped Eddie's shoulder.

"Hey, I'm gonna go take a leak. If it's our turn before I'm back, order me the chocolate mint one, will you? I'll pay you back later."

"Sure, man."

"Thanks," Buck said and shoulder bumped him before he jogged over to where the sign indicated the bathrooms. Eddie looked back to Mike and Jay, who were deliberating which flavors they should get. Mike was pretty sure of his choice, but Jay was basically losing his mind over the variety on offer. They half tried to help him, half teased him about his passion for ice cream, when Eddie caught a whiff of Buck's scent and turned towards it immediately. It wasn't his friend there, it was a strange man who just joined the queue right behind their little group. He was wearing the same cologne that Buck does. For a second, the whole thing threw Eddie for a loop. If he had been asked about it, he would have sworn that he had no idea what any of his friends smelled like. But he didn't have time to dwell on this odd moment for long, because then Buck showed back up, a big smile radiating on his face.

"Missed me?" He asked, bumping on purpose against Eddie's side.

"Oh, were you gone?" he retorted.

"It really was quiet for a second," Mike added.

"Funny, guys," maybe Buck was going for sarcasm, but he didn't sound even slightly offended. And just like that, anything awkward was washed away and their evening outing continued exactly like it did before. Eddie didn't think about it again.

That is, not until he's in the car with Buck pressed against him, head on his shoulder. Orange blocks of light from street lamplights are passing over them, pauses in the darkness that the car's racing through. They add an unusual glow to the sleeping man when Eddie looks. He notices the tattoo across Buck's arm, the soft hairs there, how warm the skin appears. Before Eddie can catch himself or understand why, he wants to touch that spot, to trace it gently and see if it is as soft as it seems. This sudden urge takes him back sharply to the ice cream parlor and his weird awareness of what Buck smells like.

Eddie has always been a quieter guy, preferring to listen rather than to speak. That was how his father taught him to conduct himself in the company of others. There was caution in this and it also gave him more time to observe the people around him. That meant he had always been aware of many small details that escaped other people's notice and he found that to be incredibly valuable. It was true in general, but in particular when he served as a medic on the battlefield and later on when he worked as a firefighter. What a friend smelled like, though? That was new. 

The training course is almost over, he reminds himself. Who knows if they'll ever meet again after it. There's a twinge of sadness in this likely option that probably explains all of the weird moments from this evening. He's at least glad he's figured this out and tiredness overtakes him. His eyes are drooping. He lets himself close them, lean down a bit more and rest his head back against Buck's. They still have a bit to go and he's allowed to nap the rest of the way. 

* * *

Eddie can't believe how quickly the course has flown by. Shannon hums over the phone in subdued, unexpressed anger when he talks to her about coming home. She wants him to pick up a few things for Christopher from the pharmacy before he'll get back and he agrees. It is a polite conversation, if still not exactly pleasant. After Eddie's initial rough start at the course, things did get better for him, he had no additional fuck ups after the incident at the gas tent and on occasion, he even got to demonstrate what made him such a good firefighter in the first place. That helped keep him a lot less stressed and in turn, thankfully, he was able to be more patient while talking to Shannon. She was still unhappy with him, but it was harder for a fight to flare up when he was so mellow and accepting of whatever she'd throw at him. He's been content in a way he hasn't been in a long time. Not everything is working out yet, but even the things that aren't seem less consequential. It's like he's finally managed to figure out how to get a handle on things and he's sure whatever's thrown his way, he'll be able to cope with it.

He hangs up the phone and makes his way to the dining hall, to join the rest of the men for breakfast. He's not told any of them about his wife or kid. It's an odd choice on his part, that's quite obvious, but if he gives the basic details of his family situation, certain questions will inevitably follow. He'll not want to confess all of his troubles, but he can't be dishonest once he's directly asked about these things. When they'll level their questions at him, he'll have to admit that no, things are not going great with Shannon, even though they're trying. That yeah, Christopher has cerebral palsy and that while he's the most amazing kid in the world, parenting him is still challenging and sometimes also scary as hell. Being a parent is difficult enough and nobody teaches you how to be a good one, but with such a complex disability, there are so many more pitfalls he can land in and, to his dismay, on occasion has done exactly that. And the worst part is that it's Chris who always ends up paying the price when the adults around him fuck up. Eddie doesn't wanna open up, he's not interested in people's pity or their attempts at advice, he's had enough of those. Everything they have to say, he's heard it before, gone over it all with Shannon and a host of doctors, therapists and educators. He's also learned the hard way that so many offered bits of advice are based on false promises from charlatans and, while he appreciates the kind intention of the people mentioning these amazing new treatments, he's tired. Exhausted from having to explain to them why he's not going to pursue their good advice or why he doesn't want to constantly rehash discussions and delve into details he's been over a thousand times before. And the pity is the worst part. It comes from kindness, the rational part of his brain reminds him, but it always comes across as condescending. People sighing inwardly in relief that this is not their problem. That's the worst and it infuriates Eddie. No matter how much harder this is, Chris is not a problem. He loves his boy with his whole heart, he's lucky to have him as a son and is thankful for it. They don't understand. Christopher tilts the world on its axis every single day with the sheer force of who he is and his love.

Even though Eddie shies away from dishonesty, he's still had this kind of conversation far too many times, in too many exhausting variations, with too many well-meaning strangers, acquaintances, friends and relatives to have any desire for a repeat here. 

He doesn't lie, he chooses omission instead. He does tell the men at the course the truth when they ask him who it is that he goes to call when he leaves them for the payphone during some of their breaks. He simply doesn't share all of it. "Family," he answered laconically when Buck first asked. When Jay insisted on asking, "Like who?" he settled for, "Like my abuela." Jay and Mike didn't press on. The stiff edge to his voice and the shortness of the reply were a non-verbal message to leave this alone and they did. Buck did too, but his eyes lingered quietly on Eddie for a few more minutes after that. He still let it drop and didn't bring it up again later. At that moment, he simply landed his right hand firmly on Eddie's shoulder, his left on Jay's, pulled them both closer and asked, "So how are we going to prank Sergeant on the last day?"

After breakfast is finished, they have about an hour to themselves before they'll have a feedback meeting. That's one thing that drives Eddie crazy about these courses, it's an endless cycle of feedback and he's not particularly fond of that or good at giving any. He comes to these seminars and courses to listen and learn, not to critique. On the other hand, such sessions are a palpable signal that a course really is drawing to an end and he supposes that he does appreciate how this can help with transitioning back to life's regular routine. Tomorrow they'll be packing up and going home. Once more, his mind lingers on how they probably won't see each other again. 

"Come for a run?" Buck asks Eddie and he nods. Their last one. They go to their room and change into their running outfits quickly. It's become almost second nature to them during these past few weeks. Whenever they could, they'd sneak away and run in the forest. One day, they ran far enough that they found a spot where the forest recedes around a small pond. Next to it is a tree trunk that had fallen during some past storm, yielding to a force of nature greater than its own sturdiness. It could pass for a makeshift bench, so that's exactly how they used it. Sometimes they stopped there, other times just past a hill, at a clearing that the trail crosses. The pond is further away, so it's reserved for days when they have more time before they have to head back. The distance also makes it the more secluded spot. Eddie likes the way that the forest has become their own kingdom. That these places are their territory to roam. The pond is now such a familiar spot for them and he's at peace there.

As they're running, Eddie doesn't really want to stop and check his watch, but he's pretty sure they're going to miss the beginning of the feedback meeting if they run past the clearing today and head for the pond instead. On the other hand, it's their last time running here. It won't be right if they don't go to that spot or if they shorten this run in favor of the real world. Not when the little bubble that's been their training here is about to burst in any case. It settles right in the middle of his chest in a way it hasn't before, this heaviness. The certainty that he's more likely than not to never see any of these men again. When Buck runs past the clearing, Eddie says nothing about their obligations to the schedule. After all, it's too late now for the brass to kick him off the course and hey, he sucks at feedback anyway.

Once Buck gets there, he sits down on the middle of the tree trunk and Eddie follows suit on the adjacent spot. He inhales the air deeply, the combination of grass, trees and pond water makes the oxygen rushing in have a special effect he's been relishing every time they've been out here. He pulls out a single cigarette from his breast pocket. Buck's been randomly reciting all sorts of gross facts about smoking to him over the course of these last couple of weeks. It's had an effect, Eddie has come to realize, though that can be attributed to more than Buck being an endless fountain of disturbing knowledge. Eddie's been in such a good mood, he didn't need the cigarettes as much as he used to in order to get through bouts of bad days. He wasn't that heavy a smoker to begin with, so when he unintentionally started to cut down on his tobacco intake, he was surprised to notice he had almost dropped the habit. He wasn't displeased, but he had a hard time letting go completely, maybe like with a security blanket. It's been there for such a long time, it's difficult to part with it, even when one's aware it doesn't actually help in any way. In the last three or four days, Buck has caught on and has been encouraging Eddie to stop altogether. "Okay, but only one more," he eventually promised, "on our last run."

He lights it up and takes a puff from it. He spots, from the corner of his eye, Buck getting closer and coming gradually more into focus. Eddie takes his cigarette out and turns to look at him as he stops inches away.

"Can I have a shot?" Buck asks and without waiting for permission, slides his fingers between Eddie's and gently pries the cigarette out of them.

"You smoke?" This is unexpected.

"Used to, but not for long. I did some online research and came across an article about how bad smoking is for your body and that was it. Now I prefer getting my kicks from other things," Buck smiles and winks playfully, tracing a finger along the cigarette before placing it between his lips. The guys have all heard quite a few stories about his successful exploits with women, which doesn't come as much of a revelation. He can easily charm the pants off anyone. Even the course staff members weren't immune to his charisma and Eddie has witnessed this in action.

Buck passes the cigarette back to him.

Eddie takes it and blinks. "You didn't take a hit from it?"

"Nope."

"Then why did you...?"

Buck glances down, somewhat theatrically shrugging his shoulders, then looks back up again and it's with that big, glowing smile he has, the one that nobody can resist. His eyes fall lower and it takes a moment before Eddie registers that it's his lips that Buck's gaze is resting on. In that one single moment, the distance between them is closed and there's the shadow of touch on Eddie's mouth, softer than it has any right to be, before his brain finally catches on with what's happening and he jerks back in anger.

"What the hell, man?" He's seething. "Are you out of your mind?"

Buck shrugs again, the smile still on his face, but thinner this time. "I was just curious what it would be like," he says, unapologetic. 

It's not the reaction Eddie would have thought his anger would elicit and he has no idea how to answer, still brimming with disbelief and rage. When he remains silent and staring, Buck adds, "Hey, it doesn't mean anything. Come on, we should head back." He taps Eddie's chest with the back of a hand and takes off in the direction they came from.

Nature is just as sharply gorgeous as it had been a few minutes ago, testifying that the world has remained strangely unchanged.

Eddie stumps out the cigarette he didn't realize had fallen from his hand to the ground. Great, a firefighter like him, responsible for a fucking fire hazard. He counts Buck's strides as they get further and further away, calculating how far the other man is. When it's enough, he turns to leave in the same direction. Once they are back, since they're quite late for the feedback session, Buck heads straight for the classroom where it's held without going to change out of his running gear. Eddie doesn't walk into the room after him. From the inside, he hears what the other men are saying, each word is clear, but none of it holds any meaning. He turns around and heads for the room his clothes are in. After he's done changing, he packs up his duffel bag and barges into the Chief's office. 

When Eddie asks for and gets permission to leave the course one day early due to an urgent emergency at home, he's not lying to the commander. Fact is, there may not be any immediate matter for him to deal with outside of his training, but in a sense, he's simply sharing the truth in the only way that can be considered acceptable.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please, do check out the beautiful gifset that the incredible [Nilshki](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nilshki/pseuds/nilshki) made for this fic, you can find it on [my Tumblr](https://matan4il.tumblr.com/)! Not enough hearteyes! Thank you so much, sweets! <3
> 
> This chapter is dedicated to the adorable [Agnes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AgnesClementine/pseuds/AgnesClementine), who not only was the first one to insist I have to write this fic, she also correctly identified the theme in the last chapter! Hope you enjoy this, love! 
> 
> If you’ve been following or supporting this fic, thank you so much! Any and all feedback welcome!

Shannon kisses him. It's a cold hello, but whenever Christopher is around, they do kiss and Eddie once again hopes this is enough to help his kid ignore the mountain of tension rising continuously between the two of them. He hands her the plastic bag with everything she asked him to get from the pharmacy and she half nods as she checks its contents, then puts it aside.

He's crankier than he'd like to be when she asks him about the course and what they had done there. He doesn't mean to be short with her, but whenever she questions him on anything, he's annoyed. Even when he believes she's truly interested, more so when he suspects she's looking for a reason to fight. He's always afraid he's walking through a minefield when they do this. One wrong answer and they'll somehow explode into another fight. It doesn't help that this time, her big eyes repeatedly scanning his face convey to him she's not buying his story about the Chief having some emergency that caused the course to disperse a day earlier.

"And what about your roommates, were they good guys, did you get along?" she keeps on asking. She's looking for the right angle and she hits unnervingly close to home. A wave of guilt washes over him. He did nothing with Buck, not really. And he wasn't the one responsible for whatever little did happen. Yet, there it is, threatening to drown him internally. 

He wants to yell at her, force her to let go before the damage of what she'll unearth hurts them both irrevocably. It won't help, though, so he goes for the opposite of his instinct. He lets out a sigh and tries to calm down his nerves. "Yeah, they were fine, we got on. Look, I'll tell you more later, alright? It was a long drive and I'd really like to get some rest first."

He goes to the kitchen to grab a beer and get away from the big eyes he can feel following him. When he returns to the living room, Shannon has left it, probably gone back to whatever she was doing before he showed up. It doesn't take long before he picks up the sound of her voice, a phone conversation. No doubt, she called her mom and the two of them will be badmouthing him, as usual. Chris is playing with his legos on the coffee table by the couch. Eddie grabs the remote control and turns on the television, petting his son's hair distractedly. He's missed Christopher a lot and he'd rather play with him than stare at the television screen, but he wasn't lying to Shannon, he truly is exhausted and not just from the drive over.

He mindlessly watches some reruns of Top Gear that he's pretty sure he's already seen more than once until his thoughts can't be kept at bay anymore. Buck didn't hit on him without a reason. He saw a crack in the wall Eddie had put up, must have guessed some of his marital misery. If it was that obvious to an outsider, whatever they've been doing, it's not working out. If he's being honest, what they've been doing has been a pretty passive attempt at standing each other's company for the sake of their child. An old fear grips him in the chest. 

If they're failing, maybe him taking action is what's needed here. An idea springs into his mind and he puts the rest of his beer down. Eddie presses a kiss to the top of Chris' hair as he stands up. 'All for you, buddy,' he thinks as he bypasses the table that the legos are scattered on and goes to look for his wife in their bedroom. That's where she usually has these phone conversations, when she wants to complain about him without his presence, but while making it very obvious to him that this is precisely what she's doing.

He opens the door and finds her sitting on the bed, phone laid down by her side, her hand stretched out and holding on to it loosely, like she only hung up a second ago. Her eyes dart to him and are slightly red. He doesn't think she's been crying, but she might have rubbed them to keep herself from doing so. 

"Hey," he says in his softest voice.

"What do you want?" Shannon asks, clearly upset. "Am I finally worth your time?"

Usually, this accusatory tone angers him so much, he snaps back before he can stop himself and everything deteriorates from there, but today he takes it without protest. He deserves it. 

"I wanted to apologize." Her hand lets go of the phone and retreats into her lap, where the other one already was. "I really am sorry, I've been failing pretty badly at being a good husband, haven't I?" He purses up his lips in discontent. "I've been trying not to, but sometimes I lash out, even when I don't mean to. I'm really sorry." He takes a step closer and sees no sign of resistance. Her eyes are studying him, as if she was trying to decode his words for any hidden meaning, maybe even malicious intent, but she isn't pulling away from him nor, as is more often their custom, going on the offense. He continues to inch his way to her. "These past few weeks, being away, I missed you and Christopher so much. It reminded me of everything that's important to me. So I promise, I'm going to figure out a way to do better." He reaches Shannon and crouches down before her, carefully slips his hands around her waist. "I want to make it up to you. I thought, maybe I can start by taking you out on a date, like we used to. What would you say to that?"

Her face softens and her hands come out of her lap to rest on his biceps. The sun's afternoon rays are coming through the window behind her and a brief flash passes through his mind, the memory of Buck smiling brilliantly at him. Shannon has a hopeful twinkle in her eyes. "Really?" He nods at her. "Eddie, I can't remember the last time you told me that you wanted to spend time alone with me." 

He tries to go over the past few months in his mind. There are several interactions between them that stand out to him when the last thing he wanted was to be anywhere near her. Shannon might have a point, but then again, she has been the person he was spending most of his free time with anyway, and too often while fighting. If she would have suggested a date night a couple of weeks earlier, he would have internally groaned. It wasn't attractive, the prospect of spending a few hours in her company with absolutely no distractions, with no Chris to act as even a partial buffer during their arguments, and out where everyone could see the failures of their marriage. He probably would have rejected her request and that in itself could have led them to yet another fight.

Eddie pulls back and takes Shannon's hands in his. "Mrs. Diaz, will you please do this man the honor of going on a date with him?"

A smile spreads slowly on her face and she nods. "Yes, of course I will."

* * *

It's good to see everyone at work again. He's missed the team at the 118 more than he'd be able to say to them and he's grateful he didn't have to. As soon as he showed up at the station, everyone picked up the thread of camaraderie as though he'd never left. It wasn't as if some changes hadn't taken place. The biggest one was probably the presence of Bosko, a fellow firefighter from the 136. She'd been transferred temporarily while he was away and due to some bureaucratic nonsensical demands, she had to stay with them until the end of the month. She was good in the field, though, so it didn't take long before Eddie adjusted to her being there. It was a minor detail in any case. He was reunited with a group of people he held truly dear and after a couple of days in their company, doing what he was born to, it's like he's settled back into his own skin.

"What were they feeding you on that course?" Chimney teases as Eddie bites into another one of Bobby's chicken wings during the first lunch they've had since he's come back that didn't get interrupted by a call alarm.

"Yeah, I don't think I've ever seen you this hungry," Hen laughs.

"Diaz, I'm not sure we can be friends now," Bosko chimes in.

"The food was fine, I swear! It was just... not Cap's."

Bobby smiles at him in that 'wise old captain' way of his which implies he's been around too long to accept the compliment, but appreciates the sentiment nonetheless.

"Oh, hey, I forgot to tell you guys. Shannon and I have decided we need to set time apart for date nights and adult time, so she suggested maybe we can all go bowling together sometime?"

"I like that idea, I know I'll crush all of you boys at it," Hen grins.

"I'm in as well," Bosko agrees.

Bobby nods at Eddie. "I think that's a yes from us, then. Please thank Shannon on our behalf? And maybe, we can turn this into a kind of a regular thing."

"Cap, you mean 118 outings?" Chim sounds excited. "Oooh, if we're gonna be doing this, we can also check out the karaoke place that just opened up? It doesn't always have to be going out for bowling."

"Yeah, I'm down for trying out different things," Eddie consents.

"Mmm, how about we do this on Monday evenings? Is everyone alright with that?" Hen asks. A quick round of replies follows. The vote is not unanimous and they do go over a few more options, but then they come to the conclusion Mondays probably work best for the majority of them. Hen doesn't say it, but she has that grin of someone who's always right.

"Good," Bobby says, "then that's settled. Everyone, don't forget that later today we are going to have a fire drill down at the city center. Be focused, I'm confident that with good team work, we'll ace it. Also, don't forget Sandborn, we're going to have a small retirement function for him in two days, Hen, can I count on you to take care of organizing it?"

"On it, Cap."

"Thank you. I don't know when yet, but Sandborn's replacement should arrive sometime during the next couple of weeks. I expect you all to give them a warm 118 welcome."

Hen sighs. "They're going to send us a probie, aren't they? Another green bean they count on us to help grow."

"Yeah, can't Bosko just stay here?" Chimney suggests. 

"Hey, that is some mad disrespect for the 136, dude! I like you all, it's been fun being here, if we ignore Eddie pigging out today," everyone chuckles at that, "but I love my team. Sorry."

"Well, who knows," Chim insists, "it's not the end of the month, yet. Maybe you'll change your mind before then." He accompanies this with a wink.

Coming back to Shannon was rough, even though taking a more proactive approach to their marriage is helping. They're not where they should be, but since he's returned, they're more careful with each other during their moments of friction. They've been catching themselves right before they cross a hurtful line, so he's cautiously optimistic. But these people, here. This is coming back home.

* * *

Chimney shrugs at the rest of them while they stand about, chatting outside the locker room. "You know, I think I'm going to give the calendar a pass this year. Why not give you kids a chance, right?"

Hen side eyes him. "Congrats on your noble sacrifice. I'm sure the annual fest of sexism will struggle to recover," she deadpans.

"Hey, what's with the attitude? You helped me last time."

"I'm your friend, Chim. I will always help you. But I prefer helping you with things that don't contradict my world view or... basic decency."

Eddie chuckles. "I still can't believe I gave you all of those great tips from my niece and you just went and ignored all of those."

Chim looks thoughtful at that. "They really were good tips. Maybe you're right, maybe I should throw my hat in the ring again this year."

"You'd have my vote," Bosko assures him.

"If you do it, we'd all support you," Bobby adds.

"Wow!" Chimney says, his gaze having drifted off, now fixed on something over Eddie's shoulder. "That man is a masterpiece carved in muscles."

"I can't argue. And I prefer women," Hen agrees.

Eddie curiously turns around to see who they're talking about. He takes in the sight of none other than Buck, changing into the standard LAFD t-shirt.

"Who the hell is that?" Bosko asks.

"That's Evan Buckley, he's going to be Sandborn's replacement. I had to fight to convince him that he should come here, because over at station six, they were dying to have him. He stood out at that advanced training course you both finished," the Captain places his hand on Eddie's shoulder as he says this and the weight is palpable. "I thought you might take him under your wing since you met there." Bobby takes off his hand before getting any response and addresses the group. "C'mon, I'll introduce everyone." 

They head into the locker room and Chim uses this opportunity to elbow Eddie. The pain flares momentarily, probably mostly out of surprise, but it's still irritating. "Hey, what's the new guy like? Is he as good as Bobby thinks he is?"

He rubs dully at where Chimney got him. "I don't really have a clue."

"I thought you did this course together?"

"We did, but... we weren't that close."

The two of them are the last ones to enter the locker room and Buck is already joking with Hen and Bosko. Bobby stands to the side, looking satisfied.

"Hi, I'm Howard Han, but I just go by Chim."

"It's short for Chimney," Hen interjects.

"I bet there's a story behind that," Buck says.

"Mmmm hmmm," she agrees, "and one day you may even get him to tell it!"

"Well, it's great meeting all of you, please call me Buck." His eyes move across everyone, including Eddie, without stopping on any of them in particular.

"We were about to go upstairs to grab breakfast together," Bobby says. "Join us?" Cap has been working away on it, coming down only after it was all prepared.

"Oh, I am always up for eating!" Buck says, stretching his long body and patting his stomach with a wide, mischievous grin on his face. His eager response gets him a couple of amused laughs. "And judging by those smells, it's going to be a gourmet meal. Is it always like this?"

At this, even Bobby breaks from the polite Captain smile he had into a wider one and pats his new firefighter on the shoulder. "You know, I think you might be in the right place." 

Cap starts leading the way up the stairs and everyone else follows in his footsteps. 

Eddie lingers behind. He'll catch up in a minute, but he needs one to himself first. He's angry. Furious, even. At Buck, who knew which station he served in, he's mad at the guy both for having tried to kiss him and for then taking the offer to come here. At Bobby, for having accepted Buck into their team, even though it's completely illogical to expect the Captain to refuse a good firefighter based on irrelevant information Cap doesn't even have. And most of all, at himself. He's returned to all of the people who matter in his life. Before he finished the course, Eddie accepted that seeing Buck again was unlikely, but fleeing it a day early after what happened between them had turned meeting up again into an impossibility. And that should have been fine. After all, this guy isn't meant to be included in that group of people who are significant to him. Eddie is livid with himself for letting his defenses slip, allowing someone to take advantage of that. For not decking the guy with a solid punch to the face when their almost-kiss happened. But mainly, he's seething because more than anything else, even more than the anger that's been coursing through his veins, what he's felt from the moment he saw Buck again in the locker room... was relief.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As this is the chapter where this fic starts earning its rating, please make sure to read the list of tags that gets updated with every posted chapter!
> 
> This chapter is dedicated to [Anenemyanemone](https://archiveofourown.org/users/anenemyanenome/pseuds/anenemyanenome) who pointed out the reversal of Buddie's positions in the previous chapter and for the fact she started reading the fic despite it being a WIP. You're a champ! xox 
> 
> Lastly, please check out the accompanying gifset made by the incredible [Amy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugarmag78/gifts), which was unfairly flagged by Tumblr, so it's going up [here on AO3](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24719680/chapters/59751721). 
> 
> Any and all feedback appreciated. You can also holler at me on [my Tumblr](https://matan4il.tumblr.com/)!

"911, what's your emergency?"

"Yeah, our basement is getting flooded and the elevator of the building is stuck down there, I... I think there are two people inside. You have to hurry, they'll drown!"

It hasn't stopped raining for days now, which in sunny California meant it was a matter of time before something would go wrong and they'd find themselves on a flood-related call. It happens sooner than expected and Cap briefs them quickly once they get on the scene. Two young people were trapped, a man and a woman, early to mid twenties. From what their neighbor was able to tell the dispatcher, all the residents in their building got a warning that the basement was likely to get flooded and to get their cars out. He was taking the stairs down there when he heard the young couple's shouts from the elevator and informed the dispatcher their building was old and had no roof hatch installed in there.

"With the water pouring into the basement exactly when the elevator was down there, the electric board must have short circuited, stopping the doors from opening," Eddie says.

"And as long as those doors remain closed and the water keeps flooding the basement, there's a good chance those two will drown in there," Bobby continues. "You two," Cap signals at him and Buck, "you've covered using the scuba diving equipment during the advanced training course, right? Do you feel ready to put that to the test?"

They both nod wordlessly.

"Good, then I need you in that gear and ready to use the jaws of life on those elevator doors ASAP. Go!"

They follow his instructions and at record speed, they're in scuba diving attire, ready to go in. They're lowered through a wide ventilation shaft into the basement, the water coming up to meet them sooner than they expected. The basement isn't fully inundated, but it's pretty close to that. They swim over to the elevator and nod at each other. Buck knocks on the top of the steel doors, above the rising level of the water, while Eddie, who's carrying the jaws of life attached to his waist, dives in to inspect the elevator part that's underwater for any weak points.

It's muffled, but Buck's shouts do reach him. "Hey, can you hear me? This is the LAFD, we're here to get you out."

A man's voice replies. Coming from behind the shut doors, it's even harder to make out than Buck's. Eddie comes back up, tilting his scuba diver's mask up, so he can be heard. The water keeps rising and soon, they won't be able to keep their heads above it anymore.

Before he can say anything, Buck raises his own mask and fills him in, "The woman's unconscious, the man is barely holding on. What did you find down there?"

"There's a spot where the right door has a small dent, I think we can use that as a leverage point to open the doors. You've got the spreaders, right?" Eddie gets a confirmation nod. "If we use them at the same time as the jaws of life, we should be able to do it quickly."

"Alright," Buck says, "switching to signals."

They pull their masks back down. The water is at their mouth level already. In less than five minutes, the basement will be completely submerged. They both dive back down and Eddie guides Buck using hand gestures to the spot where the spreaders are needed. He positions the jaws of life right below. Once they're ready, he gives the agreed signal with his head and they both begin working their tools. It takes a lot more effort than it normally would, they have no ground to push against in order to throw their weight and strength into this. They need both hands for the tools they're using, so they can't press with one arm against the wall by the doors, either. It's only natural that they're working closely and Eddie figures, they might as well use that, since they have no time to waste. He leans the side of his body into the man next to him and uses that to push against. Buck gets the idea immediately and presses his weight back against him, giving them both the fulcrum that they were seeking.

The doors begin to give way after that and when they finally pry them open, they find the couple passed out. Buck grabs the man, Eddie the woman and they swim back to the shaft they came down, pulling on the rope to ask for a lift as soon as they're all there.

They come out of the water in no time and as soon as they're back to ground level, there are hands pulling their vics out of their grip. Chim and Hen start administering CPR right away as Buck and Eddie take off their masks, heaving with the efforts they've just made. They're taken to be checked and treated themselves right away.

The couple is eventually loaded onto the two ambulances awaiting them and a part of the 118 team rides with them, but Eddie can already tell. The man stands a chance. The woman will probably not make it.

He and Buck have been seated on the steps of a third ambulance, thermal blankets wrapped tightly around them and cups of hot tea in their hands. Despite the layers between them and his gaze turned straight ahead, Eddie is acutely aware of the warm body beside him. 

"That was one hell of a save," Buck says.

Eddie hums noncommittally. He desperately wants to turn back to the other man and tell him, "You're a badass under pressure, brother." Maybe something more to express the admiration that has been building up inside of him. Bobby's been continuously pairing the two of them up. At first Eddie assumed it's because of their previous acquaintance and it ticked him off, but after a few calls together, he has to acknowledge, at least to himself... They make for good partners.

He drinks his tea silently. 

* * *

It's one of those 24 hour shifts that feel like they'll last forever. There have been almost no emergencies and time's ticking away slowly. They're lazing about upstairs. Eddie's sitting on one couch, watching Hen and Chim on the other, competing on their favorite video game.

Buck is by the counter, munching on some of the cake leftovers from Sandborn's retirement function. The amount of high sugar foods he goes through in a day is astounding and perhaps he's catching on, going by the unhappy groan he lets out after his third slice of cake.

"Damn, those are a lot of calories I'm gonna have to burn off."

"That's what we have the gym for," Hen replies.

"Or you can do what Eddie does and go jogging in the woods," Chim adds.

"He does?" Buck asks. There's hardly any curiosity there, his tone is neutral. It always is, that's a part of why things aren't as awkward at the station when they easily could have been. He doesn't try to avoid or ignore Eddie, but doesn't seek any proximity, either. His expression is always blank when their eyes meet, there's no hostility in it, nor unwarranted familiarity. The voice Buck uses when he speaks to or about him is always perfectly balanced, no animosity or tension to it, and a stranger would probably never pick up on any strain between them. But Buck isn't neutral with everyone else. He exudes his usual charm and warmth with them. Eddie has noticed. He hoped no one else would or make much of it.

Right now he doesn't care about that. All he wants is for Chimney to shut up.

Eddie is out of luck. "Yep, he told us he's been a couple of times to the woods by your training camp since he's been back from the course. Something about how calming it is to run there? Maybe the two of you can do it together."

Not one facial muscle moves on Buck's face. "Maybe," he says with no innuendo in his voice, "Eddie is a pretty great runner."

"Yeah? Then you should go with him," Chim responds right away. "He tried dragging me along with him, but I don't know, man. The woods aren't my thing. All those mosquitoes that could be there. Have I told you I'm a mosquito magnet?"

"Sure, it's because you're so sweet," Hen teases him.

Buck doesn't say anything, but his eyes are still on Eddie, the longest this has happened since he came to the 118, and there is a question mark in them.

"Maybe," Eddie doesn't commit, but the warm smile that Buck gives him in response is impossible to ignore. 

And goddamn, he's missed it.

* * *

...Two, three, four, one, two, three, four, he counts inhales and exhales as his feet hit the ground. The dull thud they make each time echoes his need to smash something. He's in the woods again. Hoodie pulled up over his head as a thin barrier from the coolness around him. The rains have passed, but the low temperatures have not. His and Shannon's date nights are probably the main reason why she agreed when he asked her whether it would be okay for him to come running here sometimes. It's a bit of a drive, taking him out of the house for a few hours at a time. Not too long ago, him even expressing the desire to do this would have triggered suspicions, accusations and shouts. 

They're doing better. He shouldn't feel the need for aggression. At least running is helping. Especially in this forest. He didn't plan on returning here, but a few days after he came back from the course, he felt an itch. The green scenery filled his mind, as did the memory of the unique quality held by the air near the pond. He remembered the peace he'd experienced there. The itch grew and soon enough, he caved in and talked to Shannon.

There's a noise in the background that he doesn't pay attention to at first. But it keeps getting louder and closer. It doesn't take too long to decipher as he's familiar with the sound. That's Buck running, coming up behind him.

There's a part of him, the same part that earlier wanted to follow through on their conversation at the station and invite Buck to come along, that's eager to stop, so Eddie picks up his pace. The noise is still getting closer. Why wouldn't it be? Buck's legs are ridiculously long and he's better trained, he can outrun practically anyone.

Eddie follows the sound of his approach and right when he knows Buck is about to reach him, he feels a light tap at the back of his neck, over his hoodie.

"Hey, why aren't you counting?"

Eddie turns sharply to him and stops in his tracks. For a second, he prays that by some power of unstoppable inertia, Buck will bypass him and keep going, but the man is surprisingly quick to come to a halt, too. They both struggle to get a hold of their labored respiration as they stand only two steps apart.

"What are you doing here, are you stalking me?" Eddie isn't shouting, but he's not too far from it.

Buck seems genuinely taken aback. "Is that some kind of a joke? Of course I'm not. We were talking about this place yesterday and it made me miss it, so I came here to run on our day off. Kinda like you, I assume," he raises both of his eyebrows to make his point. A beat passes and then, "Man, if you still have issues with what happened that last day together at the course, I told you, it doesn't mean a thing." Having him mention their almost-kiss in this of all places makes it suddenly so vivid in Eddie's mind and he automatically stares down at those lips that were nearly on his. He's pretty sure if he turned around now and put some distance between himself and Buck, this time he wouldn't be followed. Eddie's chest is heaving and he's stuck in place, mesmerized.

In the quiet that stretches between them, Buck chooses to take a step closer. He lifts Eddie's face by the chin. It's like Buck caught his line of sight, as if it told him everything he needed to know and now neither one of them can break eye contact. "Or it could mean something..." he adds quietly, "if you wanted it to."

Buck is leaning so close to him. In the cold forest air, his warm breath on Eddie's face is undeniable. It's too real and a sense of his own exposure hits him hard. It breaks the spell. He swats Buck's hand away from his chin, but that's not enough, so he adds to that by shoving the man away. 

It doesn't quite work. Maybe because Eddie's not leaving and he can't explain to himself why he's not. Buck remains focused on him, barely stumbling backwards before he's inching closer again and crowding Eddie's space, attempting to engulf him in his arms. Eddie reads his intent in the movements of his body and with the speed that comes from desperation, he puts both of his forearms up between them, with his fists up to prevent their chests from touching before Buck can lock his embrace.

As firefighters, they've both had a sufficient amount of self-defense training to recognize that if Eddie wanted to, his instinct of raising his forearms leaves him perfectly positioned to break out of Buck's grip on him. Yet, Eddie doesn't. Or he could lower them, let Buck draw him all the way in. That doesn't happen either. For several moments, they're straining against each other and their eyes are in a lock just as much as their bodies.

Buck pushes his neck and that alone forward, a pale imitation of leaning in. "I can let go," he says calmly, no trace of their physical efforts in his voice, "and walk away. I'll never come here again. It's up to you."

At that, it all rushes through Eddie, every experience together since that first run on the track and each moment without Buck. It's a torrent so powerful that Eddie can't separate them, or decipher what they mean. All he can perceive is that while his forearms do remain drawn up, they lose some of the tension they held and his fists open up, turn towards Buck and grab him by his shirt.

To Eddie's confusion, the pressure around his body lets up as Buck's arms fall from their embrace. But then, those hands are back, pulling Eddie's hood down, trailing along his jawline, cupping his face and tilting his head up. There's a certain amount of resistance there, but it's not fierce and that's evident to both of them. Buck starts approaching him and Eddie turns his head slightly to the side. His fists twist where they're still holding on to the shirt and pull their bodies closer together.

Buck nuzzles Eddie's cheek, who has no choice but to close his eyes at this, letting it sink in. Through his sense of touch, he follows Buck tracing a path along his skin to his nose and then lower, to the border of his upper lip. There's no more movement after that. He opens his eyes and meets Buck's. Sees everything clearly as the man leans in to kiss him. His fists tighten.

And their lips make contact. He finally gets to know what that's like. Buck's mouth on his is warm, lips full and encompassing, pressing against him with deliberate slowness, repeatedly, and it's softer than he would have imagined. He opens up for it unthinkingly and Buck takes the plunge in, his one hand moving to hold the back of Eddie's neck. He needs that, it's intoxicating enough that he may end up collapsing. And it's strange, how good it feels to kiss another man. There's stubble burn against his skin, not much, but it heightens each sensation through contrast. His hands move to grip at the back of Buck's shirt, passing over muscles, their firmness under his fingertips frying Eddie's brain. They move against each other in a completely different way to how they did such a short while before and God, is that him moaning? He pushes back with all he has, bringing their chests up against each other, when there's a tug at the top of his sweatpants. Buck's other hand sneaks in and finds Eddie's dick. Fuck, he didn't realize just how hard he has gotten until he's between those strong, capable fingers and the groan that breaks their kiss to escape him is too broken in his own ears.

Buck's hand begins to move down along Eddie's length, tightening as it goes. Then it moves back up and when he's not expecting it, Buck twists his fist sideways and Eddie whimpers helplessly at how intense it is. The grip on him is so demanding, it's as if Buck doesn't want him to last and with how long it's been since anyone has touched him like this, he won't. He holds on with everything he has as the ministrations continue, groans with each stroke like his very life is being drained out of him. He finds Buck's neck, sucks his pleasure into the flesh there, bites it when the hand on his cock gets to be too much. The insistent pull on his dick is drawing his climax out of him, Buck's eyes intent on him. Eddie doesn't want it to be over yet, but this is an abyss, there is no avoiding the fall into it. He comes in Buck's hot hand with another moan so shattered that it sounds nothing like him.

It hangs in the air between them, the usual sounds of birds and the rustle of leaves around them. The noise of his boiling blood in his ears settling down. Buck reaches out and kisses the corner of his mouth. Eddie comes back to his senses, not sure when and how he lost them in the first place. His fists revert and push them apart. He glares at the other man with rising anger, betrayal in a way. Buck's confusion is written all over his face. Like he didn't anticipate this reaction. It upsets Eddie even more. He has no answers, only the certainty that this shouldn't have happened and wouldn't have if it weren't for the man standing in front of him and Eddie's own weakness. When Buck's hand comes up to try and reach him, he shoves it away before he turns around, pulls his hood back on and flees with the determination of someone who's already lost. No one pursues him.

* * *

"Come on, show us how it's done," Shannon spurs Eddie on and Christopher smiles up at him in that way that makes him wish he could be a real life Superman for his kid.

"Alright, but you asked for it, don't come crying to me later, when you can't keep up with my score," Eddie declares teasingly and winks at Chris. He gets up and picks one of the bowling balls from the machine, lets the weight rest in his hand as he walks up to the lane. He puts all of his focus into his swift motion, forcing the ball to roll exactly in the direction he intended for it. Completely avoiding the bumpers, which were put out for Chris' sake, the ball hits its target. It's a strike, one pin was bravely holding on, before it gave in and fell over, too. The mechanical arm comes down and sweeps all of the pins away. As if they had never been knocked down.

Eddie turns around and makes his way back to the table where his wife and son are seated, arms flung up in the air. "Yaaaay," he exaggerates his pseudo-shout of victory and Christopher's head falls to the side with laughter. Eddie's grin widens and he reaches over to high five his kid, his palm met by Chris'. It never fails to make his heart melt, how small it is against his own much bigger hand. How it fills his very being with the need to protect his precious boy and a dread, knowing how unkind the world can be and how impossible the task is.

It was Shannon's suggestion that they come here for their son's birthday. She talked to Hen on the team's first outing to this bowling joint together and learned from her that Denny's been coming here with her and Karen.

"If he can do it, so can Chris," Shannon said in that way that meant his choice had to be between the end of that discussion or the eruption of a fight. Eddie has been backing off so often lately whenever they came close to a fight, yet... there were a lot of incidents she wasn't there for and he couldn't bring them up or things would spiral out of his control. In this case, however, his stomach was turning over and he had to speak out.

"I'm sorry, but how can you compare Denny's abilities to his? Do you realize how much one of those bowling balls weighs?"

"They have special ones, made for kids."

"Not for kids with Christopher's disability!"

"You'll help him. You'll hold the ball with him."

"You mean, I'll be holding it for him..." His annoyance and frustration were increasing. "Shannon, what do you think that will be like for him, if there are other kids there? He'll look around and he'll be the only one whose dad has to hold the ball for him."

"You think that's not his life every single day anyway, Eddie?" She was starting to raise her voice at him.

"Exactly," he didn't want to do the same, but it happened all on its own, "why should we pile on another experience of being inadequate? This isn't something where he maybe has a chance of succeeding on his own, so we're setting him up to fail."

The argument went on like that, their tones and words continuously escalating, until it ended with a door slammed in his face. He slept on the living room couch that night. That was uncomfortable to say the least and he worried how it might affect his ability to function at work the next day. This all kept him from falling asleep for a long while, but as he was finally drifting off, thoughts unchecked, he was accompanied by the memory of the calmness in the woods. When he woke up unrested the following morning, once again it was with the leftovers of a sex dream scattered across his consciousness and a morning hard on. Those were not images he wanted to keep replaying, but no matter how many showers he took, they were still there. 

Eddie couldn't keep doing this. He went over to their bedroom door and knocked on it hesitantly. It's been a while since he was relegated to a guest in his own house. When he heard Shannon's voice giving him permission to enter, he came into the room and placed the band aid of agreeing to her idea for Chris' birthday, knowing it's another tiny cut that will leave a scar.

"Alright, I believe it's your turn now," Shannon says, pointing her finger and raising her eyebrows comically at Chris. 

"Yeah, Mommy wants you to take your time now, because she can't beat our scores. Right, buddy?" Eddie sits down next to his son, who agrees, and across from Shannon, whose attention is somewhere else, behind him. "What is it?" he asks.

"Isn't that the girl that worked with you for a while? What was her name, Linda?"

He turns towards the door and sees Bosko walking in, all dressed up. Holding the door for her is Buck, in a leather jacket and a smart shirt and pants that scream they're out on a date. She had already gone back to the 136, but evidently the two of them stayed in touch. Eddie curses wordlessly at his own stupidity. If he weren't so eager to please his wife, he wouldn't have passed along her idea for them to hang out together with the team. Then, she wouldn't have spoken to Hen and decided they needed to do this birthday celebration. She wouldn't have been familiar with any young, attractive female co-workers of his that she could be suspicious of. He wouldn't be sitting here, wondering at the thing clawing away at his stomach, probably something weird on the threshold of panic. 

Eddie looks back at Shannon. "We call her Bosko," is all he can offer as a reply.

"Well," she draws it out, with a touch of inquisitiveness that she can't hide, "we should call her over here to say hi. It's the right courtesy for a colleague, isn't it?"

He wants to say, 'no need,' but that will only make his wife more mistrustful, so he goes with, "Yeah, sure," instead.

Shannon stands up and waves her hands at Bosko. While Eddie waits, he leans his head down at his son.

"You okay there, bud?" he asks. Christopher nods. "Good. The adults from daddy's work are going to come over and we'll have a quick chat, but then we'll continue playing."

Just then, Bosko and Buck enter his line of sight. They have a model couple's air about them and when she greets Eddie, it doesn't escape him that her hand is coming up to hold on to her date's arm.

"Nice to see you, too," he answers her greeting politely. "How are you?"

"Good," Bosko says, her face lit up. "Yeah, I missed my crew, so it was great to go back. And I'm glad to be bringing Buck to this place, I really enjoyed that time we all came here." After a beat, she addresses her date, "Although you're probably going to come back soon with the 118. Then you're going to appreciate me bringing you here first. It's giving you a chance to win, none of us even came close to beating Eddie's score."

She smiles at Buck and Eddie can't process any of this. She mentioned him, so he needs to say something, but he's under inspection and all verbal reactions he can come up with would most likely be deemed as either too friendly or too rude. He nods, which is only borderline better. 

"Oh," Shannon snaps him out of the mental rabbit hole he was going down, "you work down at the station, too?"

She's addressing Buck and Eddie is momentarily petrified.

"I do, recent arrival. I just finished the advanced training course. I'm still learning my way around this area and I got this great help here," Buck gestures with his head at Bosko, but he keeps his charming smile on Shannon, turned all the way up. "And you, gorgeous lady, must be..."

It's such a cheesy compliment and it shouldn't work, but it does. Shannon absolutely beams up at him and all of her suspicions appear gone, especially as Bosko's hand tightens on Buck's arm. It's his magnetism that makes stupid lines like this go over without a hitch.

"I'm Shannon, Eddie's wife," she answers him brightly. She reaches out and they shake hands.

"And who," Buck turns, coming a bit closer to where Chris is sitting, "is this little man?" Bosko stays in place and her hand slips away from his arm. People who aren't friends with him wouldn't catch it, but something far more genuine makes its way into his already big smile.

Christopher is usually shy in the company of strangers, including those he's been told are daddy's colleagues, but as it turns out, even he isn't immune to Buck's effect. "I'm Christopher," he says with that softness that always accompanies his speech.

It's a little hard to hear him in the noisy bowling place, but Buck picks out his words. 

"Hi, Christopher," he responds, "I'm Evan, but everyone calls me Buck. I'm a friend of your dad's, from work."

Chris nods and adds matter of factly, "You're a hero, too." 

Buck blushes at that and then chuckles. Before he can say anything else, Christopher continues, "It's my turn now."

"He wants you to see him play," Shannon clarifies and Eddie could honestly kill her sometimes. Does Buck really want to spend his date watching a kid with disability play? Did he even comprehend that Chris has cerebral palsy and if he didn't, what will he do now?

"Dad, come on," Chris tugs on the sleeve of Eddie's shirt and it's not every day that he witnesses a hint of impatience in his son. In a strange way, he's glad. Christopher has had to develop too early into this incredibly mature child due to the challenges he's had to face. That's why, when he's more on the child-like side of things, it's so normal that Eddie doesn't have the heart to deny him anything.

"Alright, mijo," he says and they both rise from their seats, Christopher reaching for his crutches. They go over to the machine and find the ball marked for kids. Eddie picks it up and they walk up to the lane together. He stands behind Chris as his boy places his fingers in the designated holes, while Eddie holds on to the ball from its sides.

"Ready?" he asks and Chris nods.

"On the count of three. One, two, three..." they let go of the ball at the same time and it's a clumsy throw. It couldn't have been anything else, the ball is not designed for the way that they're using it. Thankfully, Eddie had found an online article suggesting using the side bumpers for kids with disabilities and Shannon agreed to use them, otherwise, the ball would have headed straight into the left-hand ditch. Instead, the bumper sends it back into the center of the lane. Chris watches the ball rolling at a leisurely pace until it finally reaches the pins and knocks down six of them. 

"Hey, you did such a good job," Eddie says and is thankful that Chris never asked why do they need the bumpers while the other groups of players don't.

They go back to their table to find only Shannon is there.

"Well done, baby," she says to Chris as he sits down and then explains, "I got the impression that Bosko really wanted their date to start already, so I sent them away." 

Eddie nods. 

"They are such a handsome couple together!" she goes on and he takes a swipe from the beer he's barely drunk so far.

The game goes on, when he has to excuse himself and go to the bathroom. While he's in the middle of taking a piss, the door behind him opens up. Maybe he should have anticipated that Buck would follow him in. Literally catch him with his pants down.

There are just two urinals and it's only sensible that Buck would use the one next to Eddie, but nothing about any of this is making much sense to him. He shakes himself off, then puts it away and pulls his zipper up. He turns to confront the other man head on and his stare is returned by Buck. His blue eyes are bigger than ever and his mouth is half open, like there's something he wants to say and can't. 

"So," Eddie punches out with every bit of bitter anger gnawing at his insides, "now you know." 

With that, he leaves.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to the wonderful [Missjmelville](https://archiveofourown.org/users/missjmelville/pseuds/missjmelville), who’s been so very encouraging AND has been keeping an eye on the original movie’s timeline, making sure I don’t stray too far. ;) To the adorable [Donut247hey](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Donut247hey/pseuds/Donut247hey) because your enthusiasm is irresistible! And to that anon who contacted me on [my Tumblr](https://matan4il.tumblr.com/) earlier to ask for the next chapter. Bless all of you for how much you make me smile!
> 
> Any and all feedback very much appreciated!

"That was a nice celebration," Shannon comments to Eddie after he enters their bedroom, having put Chris to sleep. She's brushing her teeth in her t-shirt and panties only. He takes her image in and distantly thinks any other guy in his position would be immensely turned on. "See? You had nothing to be scared of, Chris really enjoyed himself." He does his best to smile at her and drops it almost instantaneously. He's learned a lesson that Shannon wasn't around for, that as much as they try to protect their son, occasionally it's Chris who holds back on the things he feels in order to protect them. "And why didn't you tell me that one of the guys from the advanced training course joined your station?"

He shrugs. "There was nothing to tell. The guy annoyed me."

Shannon grins and shakes her head at him, like he was some silly boy. "What could he possibly do to annoy you so much? He seemed perfectly nice to me."

"You didn't see how arrogant he is? He thinks he deserves anything he wants."

Eddie should have been grateful she was so taken by his new team mate. Buck being at the bowling joint for his date, working his undeniable charm, it must have convinced Shannon that Bosko wasn't a threat. A male teammate didn't register as an option and that was another good thing. All this means one less argument. And his wife is in a great mood, by the way she keeps chatting to him, despite his limited responsiveness.

He should have been more engaged, but all Eddie can do is think about Bosko's hand on Buck's arm. Those pesky questions keep popping up, when they shouldn't. Their date, how did it go? Did it end well, did it end at all? Or is it still on going at this very moment, in a universe parallel to this stifling bedroom... Is he fucking her right now? Does she get to taste his mouth, like Eddie did? Are they having sex like civilized people, in the comfort of a home, or do they go at it like animals in some darkened alley that Buck dragged her into, where the temperatures are as low as they were in the woods, forcing her to focus on nothing but his heat?

He really wishes Shannon would be done detailing her plans. He shouldn't, she's his wife. He's supposed to concentrate on her, on bettering things with her, not be drowning in these images of Buck and what he might be doing with and to his date, but he can't stop.

* * *

The call that they get is about a kid. Emergencies that involve children are always the roughest for firefighters, but especially for the ones who are parents. They have to put aside all of who they are personally in order to get the job done.

It's four in the morning and they're still operating in complete darkness. They have their helmets on and their flashlights at the ready as Athena updates Bobby and their team by the side of an interstate highway.

"This child was reported as missing late last night. We got involved immediately because of a suspicion the kid might have been kidnapped by his dad. There was a nasty divorce where the mother won primary custody, so the dad picked him up from a sleepover at a friend's house and the mom thought he was trying to cross state lines." The painful twitch of muscle in Eddie's jaw is his main clue that he's clenching too hard. "Our officers were looking for them for a few hours. They found the father's car down there. They believe the dad must have dozed off, losing control of the car about two hours ago. You can see the state of the car, down there. We assume we're only in need of... an extraction."

The lights are turned on and in the direction of the side of the road. It's not a steep climb, but when the early hour makes visibility so poor, it's still going to be a difficult one. They all understand what Athena meant. Bobby assigns them each a task once they reach the car, they strap in and start the climb down.

They work somberly. When they're done with the car, they make their way back up to the road with the bodies. They put the corpses onto the stretchers and load them into the waiting ambulances. Chim and Hen climb in and the vehicles head for the hospital, sirens off. The rest make their way back to the station. It's almost the end of their shift and their Captain tells them on the way back that they'll be dismissed as soon as they return. They only need to punch out. As soon as they get there, Bobby goes straight into his office. He's let go of his old notebook, but some calls still hit him hard and he needs his alone time.

In all fairness, they're all shaken up by this one. They're covered in dirt and grime, as well as a heaviness that they can't shake off here. Everyone heads for the locker room and once they're done there, most hit the showers before they'll come back and change.

Not Eddie.

As soon as they came in, he slid down onto a bench, leaning his back uncomfortably against a locker, unable to move. He can't shake off the condition of the small body that he had to carry and the knowledge that this was totally avoidable.

He's not alone in the room, Buck approaches him. They're both still in their filthy uniforms, the only ones not to hurry to take them off. The guy takes the other side of the bench, keeping a big distance between them as he leans back against another locker. Eddie only glances in his direction once, but he looks haunted as well, staring straight ahead. It's practically impossible not to be.

"You know, that father," Buck says quietly, "I can sort of understand him. He couldn't stand the idea of losing his son because of a divorce."

That hits too close to that old fear that's always tormenting Eddie and his throat constricts. There are tears threatening to fall from his eyes, so he tilts his head up to glare at the ceiling lights. It's a trick he's learnt years ago, when he was still a teenager and his dad drilled it in him that real men don't cry. He has no idea why doing this helps to keep the tears at bay, but it works and that's enough. "I'm sure. But he put what he wanted before the best interests of his kid. It's his selfishness that cost him and his son everything."

"I'm sorry," Buck's voice is low and soft, like he's offering condolences at a wake. "It's gotta be rough, working calls like this when you have Christopher." Eddie can't do anything but nod. "You know, I..." Buck says hesitantly and that's curious. He's almost never been anything but confident. "I love kids."

"I love this one," Eddie replies. "He's all that matters."

He feels eyes on him and looks back, determinedly. "He's adorable," Buck says and his sincerity is like an arrow that cuts right through the armor and pierces the heart. He swallows hard, rubbing one of his palms with the fingers of his other hand. "I guess coming here was a really stupid idea, huh?"

"I guess so." That may not be the kindest reply, but there aren't any allowances to be made, not for either of them.

Buck rises to his feet and moves to stand in front of Eddie, forcing him to look up. "You didn't ask, but... you might have jumped to some conclusions, I know what it must have looked like. But nothing happened with Bosko." These words shouldn't matter, least of all at this moment, but a part of the burden weighing on Eddie's chest is lifted all the same. "And if you want to go running in the woods again, I understand. That it can't mean anything."

Eddie has no way of answering that, but Buck doesn't wait for him to. He walks away in the direction of the showers as he starts undoing his uniform.

* * *

By the time Eddie arrives home, the sun is up and most people rushing about in his neighborhood are on their way to work. He parks his truck in the driveway and enters the house. Shannon is awake and in their living room, all dressed up, putting some items into her handbag.

"Oh good, you're here. I need you to take Christopher to your grandma, so she can watch him."

"Are you going out?" He asks, confused.

"Yeah, don't you remember? I'm having my full day at the spa with Mary. I told you about this the other night."

She must mean after playing bowling to celebrate Christopher's birthday. He did completely space out while she talked of her plans with her friend. "Umm, right. I'm sorry, I forgot to tell Abuela in advance. I can't just spring this on her now."

"Alright," Shannon is done with her handbag and turns to a bigger side bag she had placed on the couch, ruffling through it, probably to check she hadn't forgotten anything. "Can you try your aunt, then?"

He sighs. "Tia would chew my head off even worse."

"Eddie," his wife stops, straightens up and turns to him. "You are not doing this to me. You are not forcing me to cancel something I was looking forward to for so long. Either you get your grandmother or aunt to watch Chris, I don't care which one, or you stay up with him. But I am going out for this spa day."

He can't stay up. He's too exhausted and that last call is still one he needs to sleep away. And he's the one who fucked up this time, he'll have no choice but to take Christopher over to Abuela's and grovel, promising he'll make it up to her. That would most likely mean their plans for Saturday will change and he'll agree to a family lunch at her place. That's not a bad compromise, but it makes things more complicated than they need to be.

"Alright," he relents, "when will you be back?"

"Don't expect me before midnight. Like I told you, Mary wants to take me out to this club she's been raving about for months. I kept putting her off, but now we have to go."

"I thought..." he hesitates, "that tonight was supposed to be our date night?"

"Yes, but... we," she emphasizes, "already said that we're going to push it back by a few days this time."

The heat of anger rises in him in an instant. He's not even sure he's that upset about the cancelled date itself, but Shannon was the one who loved the date night idea and embraced it right away. Why couldn't they go to the club on another night? She spent a lot of her time while Eddie was working with Mary anyway and if her friend waited for so long to go there, would a few more days matter? He can't be certain, but he even entertains the possibility that Shannon is lying to him. "I don't understand, I thought we were doing this for our marriage?"

"Eddie," she said chidingly, as if speaking to a child she had to pacify. "Of course that's why we're doing it. But when I go out with Mary, that's good for us, too. It's one of the things that keeps me happy and if I am, that will help us last. You know no one's marriage can give them everything that they need."

* * *

Eddie's seated in his truck, parked in the spot cleared out for this purpose next to their running trail. He arrived earlier than scheduled, certain that he would need that extra time. He's been mulling this over with every step that he's taken to get here. He still is. Whether he should or shouldn't go through with this. It doesn't have to cost him everything, it doesn't have to, that's the chant in his head that he tries to be reassured by. But... what if it does? The fear twists in his guts as the question lingers on.

That's not the only issue bothering him, either. Other than their last tryst in the forest, Eddie has never been with a man before. He might have clocked some good-looking guys over the years, might have registered a few men in the army showers, but that's as far as it ever went, even in his own thoughts. It's never built up to be a craving before. Buck - Eddie’s near the precipice, so he has to admit to himself that he knew this from their very first track run together - was exceptional. The way the man never did anything by halves, putting his whole self into every single thing he tackled. And he did it with a sort of ease and elegance that left everyone else far behind. Even the birthmark over his left eye seems to imply how special he is. So in a way, it makes perfect sense. That like some undeniable law of nature, Buck can come into his life and there too, be an exception.

Eddie might never have been fully with a man before, but he's not completely clueless. He has had anal sex with Shannon once. It was actually her initiative, based on a suggestion from Mary, that they watch a porn movie together in an attempt to help give their sex life the boost it needed. It was an amateur film that they ended up watching featuring a couple, married in real life, where the husband was taking his time and preparing his wife for it. They agreed to try it out themselves, but after they were done, Shannon became withdrawn, telling him she didn't want to ever repeat that. He respected her wishes and as much as he enjoyed what they did himself, he never brought it up again. But the way she distanced herself from him for the following few weeks still left him stuck with an uneasy weight of guilt and without any understanding of what he'd done wrong.

All of these doubts accumulate. It's not too late, he can still go home and pretend he never made it this far. No one else will ever suspect what he was about to do. But Eddie, he will know. That he did come to this place, that he is seated out here in the rain, waiting. That's an answer in its own way.

He texted Buck the other day, after he dropped Chris off at Abuela's house to be spoiled rotten and before he went to lie down and get some rest. He kept his messages sufficiently vague, all about running, where to meet up in the forest and when. He sees Buck's Jeep Wrangler arriving at their agreed meeting point through the droplets of falling rain, exactly at the time they set up. Eddie inhales deeply, as if he expects to be deprived of all oxygen once he steps outside of his vehicle. Maybe in a way, he will be. He can make out Buck's figure stepping out with his hoodie pulled up, a flimsy protection in this weather, which means Eddie can't put off the final decision any longer. He opens his truck's door, puts up his own hood and makes his way over determinedly. Almost closes the distance between them, when he stops in front of Buck and takes in the image of him. The rain isn't too heavy, nor is it too cold, but it covers up their surroundings with a different, fresh smell. A cloak of falling water around them, to hide them from the world.

"Do you really want this?" Eddie has to ask. His last bit of courage and candor. An open door to leave if one is needed, for both of them.

Buck says nothing, instead he smiles confidently. It verges on a smirk when he stretches up to his full height, emphasizing his assuredness through his stance and allowing the rain droplets to trail down his impressive frame. It's not right, how can he be that on board with this? When to Eddie, this might be the biggest mistake of his life? He's got so much that he's putting on the line. What is Buck risking?

The sure smile fades from Buck's face as his mouth parts a little in invitation. Despite the hoodie he has on, water runs down his lips, making them appear redder and more irresistible than ever. If he understands what Eddie might lose, how is Buck not scared of shouldering such a responsibility, how does he dare to not back off? Why is he so impossibly tempting? Eddie grabs him by the back of his neck and kisses him with the build-up of overwhelming passion and rage. There's a thirst in the way he kisses Buck that grows more intense with the knowledge it's about to be sated. He tilts his head and the falling water tickles along their mouths. Buck opens up for him and Eddie savors the moment, runs his tongue along the tender red flesh of lips, bites it lightly before he slides naturally right in, like they were made to fit against each other in this way. He could get lost in this for hours. In how delicious kissing Buck is, in how stimulating it is to explore his mouth, in taking in the barely audible noises the man makes. Eddie is lost in it already. Has to force them apart. Buck's mouth is left open around the end of their kiss, then stretches into a small grin. Taunting, as if he never doubted his own draw, that they would end up here and now he gets a thrill out of being proven right. Eddie turns Buck around and shoves him against the Jeep, pulling his hood down. It's rougher than he meant to be, but it's alright, because when Buck braces himself against the door, he turns his face to the right and Eddie can see the delight written all over it. They don't have to be as careful with each other. They're strong. Whatever one of them needs to dish out, the other can take. Eddie tangles his left hand in Buck's hair and sucks against the back of his neck, following it down to the base, where it transitions into shoulder. He listens to the small moan that this elicits and the tiny thud as Buck's forehead drops against the vehicle's window. The rain pours on, but they're both already soaked. The drops don't filter in for Eddie as anything but a hazy, pleasant tingling in the periphery of where they're connected.

He presses forward to kiss at the base of Buck's nape and with how drenched their clothes are, clinging to their bodies, Eddie can easily follow how their grooves and curves fit together against each other. It's dizzying. His right hand roams from the side of Buck's chest down to his running shorts, to pull them down together with the underwear beneath them. There's an arm that hovers over his and after a beat, he realizes through the fog of desire that it's Buck, doing the same to him. Eddie helps that along as much as he can. They're a mess of tangled hands, wet clothes and their own sense of urgency, but they eventually get there, skin against skin. For his efforts, he gets to trace his hand along Buck's ass, where it's round and smooth. Eddie groans in appreciation, which makes Buck try and turn his head back again, as far as his position would allow. There's self-satisfaction in his features and Eddie can only partly understand it, when he's overrun by everything he feels, by too much of it, to the point that he can't recognize himself. He's falling into the abyss freely now, no resistance left. It's terrifying. It's unbelievably exhilarating. He wants more.

Eddie reaches for his hoodie pocket and takes out the condom he stashed away there for this, tears the packet with his teeth and quickly rolls it over his cock. It's been a while since he's had to do this, but some skills one never loses. He slips in a finger between those tantalizing cheeks and finds the opening he's looking for. It's wet and not from rain. God, this bastard. Buck was so confident in his own appeal that he went ahead and prepared himself already. What that scene might have been like plays out in flashes through Eddie's mind in different variations. Where did Buck do it, in his bed or in the shower? Did he use his own fingers or a toy? And whichever it was, he did it to be ready for Eddie's dick, thinking about it while he opened himself up. To get that kind of a reaction out of a man like Buck, it's intoxicating. Eddie pushes in one more finger, to make sure.

"Go ahead, do it," Buck hisses, daring him.

That's all it takes to make Eddie's blood truly boil over. Buck's head is still turned to the side and Eddie pushes it like that up against the Jeep's door to bite into the spot of skin he was sucking on just before. He pulls his fingers out and grabs his dick, guiding himself in with the reckless abandon of a man about to go mad. He watches the smile on Buck's lips, the one so pleased with itself, as it slips away, transformed into a prolonged gasp as Eddie enters him slowly and with deliberateness. His face is beautiful like this, open and raw and honest in a whole different way. He brims with every fleeting sensation as he's being gradually, yet relentlessly breached. And it's Eddie who's doing all of that to him. Who gets to do that.

Eddie licks the same spot on the back of Buck's neck and imagines the mark that will form there. Lets the chills run down his spine as his body processes the temperature gap between his environment and the heat he's sinking into. When he bottoms out, he stays still and holds on to Buck, hears him sigh satisfiedly. He braces himself against the Wrangler window, over the hands already there, framing the body beneath him and pulls out, only to thrust back in. Every muscle flickering across Buck's beautiful face, each one twitching in the body Eddie's trapping between himself and the vehicle fuels the flames and soon enough he's pistoning in and out without letting up. He's gasping into Buck's nape and the shivers this sends through the other man get to him, too. He can't tell their noises apart anymore.

Eddie moves one hand down to grab at Buck's hip. His fingers run along the defined V line that starts there and he never would have guessed it would be such a turn on. His hand further descends until he reaches Buck's dick. Eddie huffs almost breathlessly as he tugs on it, clumsy but firm. He kisses behind an ear and drinks up the choked sounds drawn out by the added pleasure. When those turn into an almost sob and Eddie's cock is suddenly grasped by a tighter clench, that's when he knows that Buck has found his release. Two or three more insistent thrusts and Eddie does, too.

His shaky muscles betray him and he can't stay upright any longer, so he throws his weight into Buck, fully pinning him against the Jeep door, letting it do most of the work now of holding them up. He lays his cheek against Buck's nape, listens to the settling sound of their intermixed panting, reveling in the mindlessness of fulfilled passion.

* * *

Fortunately for them, the rain stops not long after they're finished. They've already awkwardly untangled themselves from each other and pulled up their underwear and shorts.

Eddie fidgets nervously with the end of one of his hood's strings. "I should probably..." he says uncomfortably, pointing his thumb over his shoulder at his own waiting vehicle. "I brought a change of clothes," he's quick to fire the stupidest explanation ever, true as it may be. He can barely bring himself to look at the other man, which is odd, given what they've just done.

"Yeah, sure," Buck replies and then adds, "Hey, is everything okay?"

Eddie flinches and nods. Tries to direct his thoughts at something practical, the condom he's taken off and tied up. He can't throw it out here, but it's not safe to leave it in the truck's trash can. For now he stuffs it in his hoodie's pocket and etches it into his memory, that he must stop by a garbage bin and get rid of this. Mulling this over is better than zooming on Buck's impossibly wide chest and wondering whether he's also going to get into his own ride and out of those wet garments. An impatient tap against the Jeep re-focuses Eddie's attention and as they lock eyes, he tries to drain his own of anything meaningful. To smooth over his features into the same innocent way they would be with any of his other friends.

"I enjoyed it," Buck states in his direct and uncomplicated way.

Eddie hopes he isn't faltering at that as much as he suspects he is. "Yeah," he blurts out.

Buck's expression doesn't flinch, or not much, then he simply nods and gets in. Eddie's legs are heavy, but with some effort, he disconnects them from the spot and starts making his way to his truck. When he gets to it, he heads for his trunk and retrieves an old gym towel he has stashed away there. After he climbs into his truck and sheds all of his soaked clothes one by one, he uses it to dry himself off. His body is still damp, but he has bigger problems than that and he reaches for the bag in the backseat with the spares that he brought with him. He glances at his watch. Shit. It's later than he thought it is and he needs to start making his way back home.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to the brilliant [Sibbed](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sibbed/pseuds/adamngoodbatch), who in addition to being an incredibly encouraging friend, also single-handedly saved me from forgetting to tag for 'Rain Sex' in the last chapter. *facepalm* Thank you for saving my ass!
> 
> Any and all feedback is appreciated and please don't hesitate to come yell at me on [my Tumblr](https://matan4il.tumblr.com/)!

Buck's Jeep is slowly disappearing in the rearview mirror when Eddie peeks at it. He pulls out his phone from the glove compartment and finds a bunch of angry text messages from Shannon, the last few informing him that she has given up on him and taken Chris to Isabel's by herself. He drives there as quickly as possible and when he enters the house using his key, he dashes over to Abuela first, to hug and plant a kiss on the top of her head, making his apologies to her for arriving late. Next, he moves to Shannon and says, "Sorry," kisses her on the cheek, knowing she's angry, but won't make a scene now. Lastly, he fondly taps the tip of Christopher's nose, then kisses him on the cheek, too. "How's my little Superman?" he asks and relishes the grin that brings onto his son's face.

The rest of lunch goes by fast, there wasn't much left of it by the time he got there anyway. When they take their leave, Eddie's gut is already tight with tension. They walk out and over to the truck. Eddie helps Chris in and closes the door after his son, before he catches Shannon glaring at him.

"I'm sorry," he repeats, as pathetic as it sounds since he has nothing else to offer.

"Do you understand how humiliated I was," the way she says it means his words have done nothing to quell her upset, "having to bring Christopher here alone? I don't even want to think what that must have looked like to your grandmother!"

"I didn't mean to let it happen," he promises. "It was harder to run in the rain, so it took more time than I assumed it would."

"Why weren't you picking up your phone?" Her voice rises and oh, there's that as well, so much that he needs to explain.

"I'm really sorry, it was raining, so I had to leave it inside the truck."

"Great, That's your answer to everything! Remind me again why this couldn't wait, why you had to go running in this miserable weather in the first place? When we had plans anyway?"

He sighs, taps the metal of the door he's dying to open. "I... the truth is, at the training course?"

"Yeah?" Shannon crosses her arms.

"I was sort of struggling with the track runs. I was trying to keep up with the other guys and on the first day, I actually ended up so behind, I had to stop. It freaked me out, I didn't think I was that out of shape because of the cigarettes. What happens if I have to run out of a burning building and I'm not quick enough? I have to train harder and I can't cut myself any slack, not even on days like this."

She doesn't move from her stance. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't want you to be scared or worried. I'm sorry for today, I will make this up to you. On our date night, alright? I'll take you somewhere really nice. Maybe to that Italian restaurant you were talking about?"

She tilts her head and looks to the side. He's not forgiven, but she's giving way. "Well," Shannon relents, turning back to the truck and opening its door on her side, "at least it's made you quit smoking that garbage."

* * *

For their next encounter, Buck suggests they meet at his loft. Before, after or instead of their run in the woods. "It would be easier, in case nature betrays us again," he points out in amusement and winks.

They're in the locker room at the station, after a long day. A fire had spread out at the outskirts of the city, starting in an old hotel built out of wood, from its kitchen. Because sometimes, one spark is all it takes. The 118 had been called onto the scene as back up and had ended up fighting the fire for hours on end, trying to keep it contained. Bobby assigned Buck and Eddie to work one of the larger fire hoses together and they set it up quickly and efficiently. Throughout the call, as the flames were rising and falling interchangeably in different spots, they were forced multiple times to shift their position in order to re-aim the water jet. They moved smoothly together and around each other, barely needing to exchange a word. Despite the heat from the fire and the demanding physical task, Eddie relished their perfect synchronicity.

After the fire has finally been stopped, they arrive back at the station, dirty from ash and stinking of smoke. Everyone in the team goes to change out of their suits and when Buck approaches Eddie with his suggestion, they're thankfully out of anyone else's earshot.

Buck's already back in his regular uniform, rolling up its long sleeves and Eddie's distracted by that action, by the way it emphasizes the muscles trapped beneath the cloth. He's in such a weird place, his brain telling him he should be angry for this lack of caution at their workplace, but for some reason, he's not. He has been keeping a certain distance from Buck ever since he transferred and now, he's being even more careful, straddling the line between keeping away and raising suspicion. This one suggestion in the locker room is a startling reminder of how much power he's given over to Buck and how easy it could be for this man to destroy him. He should be livid, but instead, he recalls what it was like to have those arms trapped between him and the Jeep. To have one of those hands stroking him.

"Text me the address," he says.

* * *

When Eddie's let into Buck's apartment, its vibe tells him immediately that it's undoubtedly a bachelor's pad. He takes in the bare brick walls, the lack of vibrant colors, the stairs which are so impractical for anyone with a family and most of all, how few and muted are the items that usually add a more personal touch to a flat. Most of these things are so fashionably current and practical, but not more than that. They could be in this apartment or half a dozen others, saying nothing real about the owner. It's like Buck's own house is a space he doesn't belong to entirely and God, that strikes a familiar chord.

"You want some beer?" Buck asks, closing the loft's door behind them. He gets an affirmative nod and walks over to his kitchen, to open and bring a pair of beer bottles for them. Eddie accepts the one he's offered and takes a sip. He loses interest in his drink as soon as Buck tilts his head just so to gulp down from his own. Eddie shadows the movement with such fascination that he completely misses it when he's caught staring. He's back to his senses and gauging what happened when his gaze is returned, silently and for a little too long. Eddie tenses up until Buck grins and starts coming closer.

"I can give you a tour of the loft, if you'd like me to," he says and keeps approaching, "or I can show you my bedroom." Buck takes a step back, gives him the space to decide.

"Yeah," Eddie nods, hoping he doesn't sound too affected, "let's go there."

Buck takes their beer bottles and puts them down on the island, takes Eddie's hand and leads him up the stairs. His lack of hesitation, in any of this, is simultaneously scary and appealing. It doesn't take long before they're standing in Buck's bedroom. The window's curtains are a soft blue and the shade resembles the sheets. There are shelves by the bed that hold a few more items, including books and a couple of pictures. A little boy in a baseball player shirt is captured in one. It’s not overly so, but this is more intimate than the downstairs floor and that forms a knot in the pit of Eddie's stomach. Being in this space hits him differently than the rest of the loft, this is a private sanctuary and being allowed in here, there's something special about it, as if he matters. He tries to get rid of this rogue idea. How many other people has Buck brought back to this very place? Eddie's heard some of the stories back at advanced training, he can't imagine how many more there were. This thing between them, it's only about sex, nothing else.

He stands there awkwardly, not quite sure how to proceed, when Buck bumps their shoulders together and immediately after, breaks into a smile. Eddie can't help it, he chuckles in return. It reminds him of the training course and how many times they had done this then.

"Oh, is this your seduction technique?" he shakes his head before returning the nudge.

Buck shrugs, smug. "Hey, if it's working..."

Eddie purses his lips into a doubtful line to suppress the beginnings of laughter. "Nah, that's lame. You can do better than that."

"You're right, I'm sorry," Buck raises a pointed finger, then lowers it in the direction of the floor below, "I forgot your chocolates and flowers downstairs. Do you want me to go get them for you?" He takes a step and suddenly, he's too close for comfort and his voice is low. "But I bet I can do something nicer for you right here."

With that, Buck leans in and kisses Eddie passionately, holding onto his face with both hands and pouring everything into it. For something that was obviously coming, it's still somehow new. The way Buck kisses, with the conviction of someone who has a point to make. Eddie grabs his wrists, torn between wanting to pull him in and letting him set the pace.

Buck breaks their kiss, but doesn't move his face away. "This is just for starters. Because I know what you want and guess what? It's your lucky day. I'm going to let you fuck my mouth." It seems to come out of nowhere and Eddie's too shocked to react. Too aroused, his fists tighten their grip in an attempt not to lose control. Buck pauses, then adds in the way of clarification, "Down there, you were watching me with the beer."

His lips practically spell these words onto Eddie's before moving to whisper the next ones right into his ear, "I saw you."

Buck withdraws enough to playfully nuzzle the tips of their noses against each other. "Well, what are you waiting for? Aren't you going to undress me?"

That's all it takes for Eddie to charge in. He practically bruises Buck with the ferociousness of his kiss, with how demanding it is. He gets a matching response and they devour each other. He runs his hands along the thin material of Buck's t-shirt, then as he reaches the hem, he pushes under it, basking in the taut muscles he finds beneath. Eddie only retreats long enough to pull the shirt off and toss it away, before he's back at it, biting at Buck's lower lip and at the same time unzipping his pants. Eddie thrives on making him shiver and sigh. Caresses every body part he exposes as each article of clothing is done away with. When only the underwear is left between them, Eddie kisses a trail down Buck's chest, hands making their way along the man's sides, until he reaches hips and the border of cloth. He can already tell Buck's hard as he slips his fingers under the sides of the underwear's waistband and his heartbeat is intrusively loud in his own ears. He draws back to take the garment off, slides his hands down with it along smooth, strong thighs and tries to stay calm. Buck's erection is practically in his face now. He's held it in his hand before, jerked it off to an orgasm. He takes in the sight of it and doesn't dare do anything beyond that. He's highly aware of the contrast between their bodies, of how dressed he still is. He stands up, finally getting to enjoy the fruits of his handiwork and marvel at Buck's beauty, fully uncovered.

Eddie can't bring himself to move. He's standing there, once again self-conscious and unsure of himself. Buck smiles reassuringly, fluttering his eyelashes in that way he does, which is maybe uncontrollable, but for whatever reason, Eddie still really likes it. It's cute, which doesn't strike him as the right way to describe a man like that, but he doesn't have any other definition. Buck closes the gap between them and leans in, kisses him almost chastely. Which is why it catches Eddie off guard when there's a hand on his zipper, undoing it.

"Stand here," Buck instructs, before he walks over to the bed. It's unnerving, his absolute confidence in every action he takes. The way it hasn't failed him yet. The subtle contradictions that it brings about. He lays himself on it, his back down, his head hovering above the edge Eddie is standing by as he supports himself on his elbows. It makes his shoulder muscles pop out. Buck raises one arm and signals for Eddie to come over, his eyes sparkling right before he lets his support go and his head fall down over the bed's edge. "I want you to fuck my face like this," he says, sounding positively gleeful. 

Eddie slips his hand into his own pants and takes out his dick. He approaches and Buck's lips part, letting him in. It's amazing how smoothly this position allows for his cock to go right in without any stops, while he gets to feel and see as Buck's throat is being filled. He sinks into the wet heat and it's indecent and hot, almost unreal, like his senses are playing a trick on him in an attempt to overpower him. Even the contrast between clothes and nakedness is getting to him. Buck grabs Eddie's hands and places them over his own neck. Everything thrums with how raw and unmitigated this is. The movement inside is mind-blowingly discernible from the outside and at the same time, so is the effort of the throat muscles. It's a crystallizing moment. Buck chose this position for more than just a simple blowjob. He wanted to let Eddie really feel his dick fucking deep down into Buck's mouth and to experience the sensations in more ways than one. It's so depraved, yet generous, so beautifully free of shame, that along with Eddie's already insanely hardened cock, his chest tenses from this as well.

He leans forward, puts a little more pressure on the spots where his fingers are tracing Buck's throat stuffed full of his flesh. He thrusts in and out repeatedly as it plays his nerve endings along every part of his dick and on his fingertips simultaneously. His stare lingers on Buck's Adam's apple as it is stretched and moving with concentrated effort over his thick penis and Eddie lightly scratches his fingernails against it, carefully grazing the tender skin. Buck groans around him and that frees a shaky breath out of him. His brain is fried, but the rest of him is alive with how real this is, how absolute.

He thinks of Buck's eyes, looking up right before he let his head drop down and he swallowed Eddie whole and deep. It's unclear when it happened exactly, but if at first they stuttered against each other, now they're moving in sync, hips and throat perfecting one circle of motion together. As a continuation of that, Eddie's fingers slide along and hold on tighter around Buck's neck, as if doing so might give him back a shred of his sanity. With his palms splayed out like that, he can pick up even the most minute vibrations coursing through every patch of skin where they're linked. These are the noises Buck would be making if he could, lost around the dick he's choking on. Eddie drinks them up greedily in whatever form he can get them. His hips haven't stopped rolling back and forth, so possessed he may be able to go on like this forever, but then Buck grabs at his ass, pulling him closer to force him further in and Eddie loses it.

"Holy shit," he sputters through clenched teeth. Erratically, he jabs in a few more times in short drives forward because Buck's hands won't let him back out too much, but they're still full of desperate brute power when he plunges in. Buck's moving his stretched lips together with him as much as their positions allow and somehow manages to sound a hum of contentment that vibrates unbearably around Eddie and sends him over the edge. His fingers are still firmly in place and follow how his cock is now constricting and releasing his semen down Buck's throat, shooting it straight into the stomach. Eddie's gaze can track the muscle contractions caused by Buck gulping as much of it down as he can in his horizontal posture. It's too much and Eddie's dick is consumed by the need to keep coming even after it has nothing left to give. Buck's hands release him and he pulls out with an obscenely wet sound.

Eddie thinks he's about to collapse any minute now, but discovers himself instead being held in place by the sight of Buck, who moves himself over on the bed, so his head is back resting on it, with his chest sweaty and his face flushed red. His eyes are dizzyingly bright and there's a hint of tear marks in the corners to go with his lips, swollen and wrecked. Most of all, it's his smile that gets to Eddie. Buck looks so content and fulfilled. Basking happily, proudly even, in what they just did.

Eddie leans down and loses himself in kissing that pretty mouth, those supple lips, this gorgeous man. He's happy as well, yes, but more than that, he's grateful. For having witnessed this smile. For being the cause of it. Buck's words from before pass through his mind and Eddie feels that he is. He's seen.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to the wonderful [Nilshki](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nilshki/pseuds/nilshki), who graced this fic with her wonderful gif set and is also queen of the first comment! Sending lots of love, sweets!
> 
> Also, following a conversation with [Donut247hey](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Donut247hey/pseuds/Donut247hey), would people be interested in me answering questions about this fic (maybe once it's completed) on [my Tumblr](https://matan4il.tumblr.com/)? Please let me know! 
> 
> As always, any and all feedback is appreciated!

The smell of mashed bananas is rising from the bowl and is filling Eddie's nostrils. He's never been the best of cooks, definitely not when compared to his Captain or some of the other people in Christopher's life, but he's always done his best for his son during the years they were on their own. Then again, Shannon isn't such a great cook either, so most of the time, they both stick to pretty basic food. But there are some dishes which he has learned to prepare rather well over the years. One of them is banana bread, which he usually makes as a small treat for Chris on special occasions. This morning, on his day off, Eddie woke up earlier than he had to, yet feeling incredibly good, knowing he'll have the morning with his son and that he'll be meeting up with Buck later. He stretched in bed and decided he could roll out of bed and bake some banana bread for no particular reason.

He's pouring the batter he's been working on into a loaf pan and when he's satisfied, he smoothly inserts it into the pre-heated oven. Next, he starts on cleaning the mess he's made. While he's by the sink, washing cutlery and bowls, Shannon comes into the kitchen, her hair let down and still wearing her pajamas. There's that awkward moment they always have when Chris is not around. When he is present, which is the norm for their mornings, they always exchange cheek kisses, like he knows parents are meant to. It was weird at first, but Eddie's gotten a bit more used to it. When their kid is absent, though, there's always this hesitation between the two of them, a lump in their throats when they're trying to act natural even with a small display of marital affection. They were doing better since the date nights, but there was more tension between them since Eddie was late to Abuela's lunch.

Shannon doesn't come to him. Instead, she crouches before the oven, arms crossed over her chest, to peek through the glass window. Between that and the smell, she can tell what he's making. "Oh, what's this for?"

"No reason. I just thought I'd spoil my beautiful family," he replies. He's glad that his good spirits make the words roll off his tongue like there's no baggage between them.

Shannon walks up to him and without uncrossing her arms, she leaves a quick peck on the side of his face. Eddie turns to her exactly as she looks away, giving him her cheek, and he returns the gesture.

She takes a clean bowl from the cupboard, puts a spoon from the drawer into it, grabs a milk carton from the fridge and sits down by the table, where a cereal box is already waiting for Chris. When Eddie's cell phone rings, he doesn't rush over to it. He has a few more items to wash and an inkling of who it is calling him.

"Well? Aren't you going to pick that up?" Shannon asks.

"No," he shrugs the question off, "we should have breakfast first."

The phone won't stop ringing.

"Go on, answer it. Chris isn't up yet anyway, it's not interfering with anything."

Eddie considers it quickly. He really doesn't want to take the call in front of Shannon, but at this point, it may seem questionable to her if he doesn't take it. He goes over to the living room, where he left his cell to charge overnight and the screen tells him that he was right, the incoming call is from Buck. He answers it there, without returning to the kitchen. It's not ideal, their kitchen does have a door, but it would look too suspicious if he closed it before he left when they normally keep it open at all times. Instead, Eddie does his best to keep his voice low during the conversation and his replies as neutral as possible. Buck, as it turns out, had a change of plans that freed up more of his time for the day and he wanted to check if they could meet earlier than planned and spend it together.

"Yeah, sure," Eddie responds immediately, without even weighing another option.

After he hangs up, he focuses on schooling his features before returning to the kitchen. He goes back to the sink and considers how to approach this.

"Well?" Shannon asks from the table. "Who was it?"

"It was Bobby," Eddie lies without a waver in his tone. It's easier with his back to her. "Ryder is out sick. Cap needs me to come in after all." He dries and puts away the last of the cleaned kitchenware, takes his own bowl and spoon to join Shannon at the table. He pours some cereal and milk in, trying his hardest not to do anything differently than he normally would.

The cereals are getting soggy in Shannon's bowl. "Aren't you going to finish that?" he asks, pointing at her food.

"Maybe not, I poured out too much from the box. I'm not as hungry as I thought I was."

* * *

The air is rushing through Eddie's hair as they're running. They're perfectly aligned. Their shoulders, their strides, their even breaths. The forest is lusciously green around them, the clear weather enhancing every color and sound in their vicinity. It all adds to this great mood Eddie woke up with that even the earlier tension around Shannon didn't manage to ruin. He feels light, there's nothing weighing down on him when he's out here with Buck. Before and after they get together, yes. But not during this and Eddie embraces that, rejoices in it. A strange giddiness bubbles up in his chest and, out of nowhere, he jokingly lands a smack on the back of Buck's head, returning the favor from that first time they met in the forest after the course.

"Don't forget to count," he adds.

Buck looks over at him, incredulous. Then he bursts into laughter and Eddie joins him in that. So many of his fears are small, practically irrelevant, in the sunlight here and maybe this is what people refer to when they talk about being on top of the world. He wouldn't have a clue, he's never had that before, but it's got to be pretty damn close to this.

He's overtaken by an urge to show off and really, why should he deny himself anything? He speeds up enough to pass Buck by a pace or two. Eddie uses the extra mileage to do half a turnaround, which leaves him running with his back to the trail ahead of them. He even pulls off grinning at Buck while running like this and gets a shake of the head accompanied by a smile for his efforts. He spins back to the trail and tries sprinting further ahead, but within a matter of seconds Buck catches up to him and playfully tugs on his shirt.

"Slow down, hot shot, You don't want to tire yourself over this."

Eddie allows himself to be pulled back, to be drawn closer to Buck's presence, to his warm body. It's a strange feeling.

It's pure joy, flowing through his veins.

They reach the pond and stop to rest on their wooden log there. When they sit down, there's not even the smallest gap between them and it's a physical stimulus for Eddie that pushes him to reflect on how things have changed since the last time they were here.

"Hey," Buck interrupts their comfortable silence, "when the weather warms up, we can bring swimming trunks with us and go take a dip in the pond, if you want to."

It reminds Eddie of the evening they snuck out to the pool at advanced training. He's totally on board with the idea.

"Yeah, we can do that." he agrees, then wrinkles his nose in reservation. "You get that even on the warmest days, the water will be pretty cold, right?"

"What, you don't have the balls for it? You scared you're not tough enough to take a swim with me in there?" Buck teasingly challenges him.

"I'm scared you're forgetting that cold water kills erections and whatever plans you have for our swim, you're going to be disappointed."

"Mmm," Buck scrunches up his face, "it is possible that cold water would, but that's not been scientifically proven yet."

"And how do you know that? Did you do some online research on this, too?"

"You had any doubts I would?" He smirks at Eddie, who tries to swallow his laugh. Buck drops his head then, seeming to search for something on the ground, before he looks at the pond, shrugs and says in a more subdued voice, "I wouldn't have been disappointed either way. I didn't have any plans. I just liked the idea of going swimming here with you."

* * *

The sheets on Buck's bed are white today and it's appropriate in a way, clean and sacred, fitting for how Eddie is kissing and licking along his muscles with growing reverence. They've kicked off the covers already and Buck is sprawled out across the bed, his massive frame unabashedly taking up all of it. Eddie's shifting on top of Buck, free to explore every patch of him. Any signs of fatigue from their run had evaporated as soon as they had entered the loft, making their way to the now familiar bedroom by ravaging each other's mouths hungrily and pulling clothes off one another.

Eddie's appreciative hands are sliding along the sides of Buck's torso as he sucks a path up the chest and circles in on one nipple. He licks it to hardness and when he's satisfied with how erect it is, he bites down on the protruding nub. Buck hisses, his hips jerking up under the weight of the other body pressing him down, his fists shoot up and grab at Eddie's hair. It's long enough to allow Buck to twist his wrists in an angle where his fingers pull on the strands, while concurrently the heels of his palms press Eddie's head closer. They're both groaning at the slow pace they've been taking things today, one which is in equal measures delicious and torturous. Buck's hips grind against him and Eddie soothes the bitten nipple with his tongue, then pulls back to gently blow air on it. He's rewarded with palpable shivers and the escape of a tiny whimper. He chuckles at that and flicks the tip of his finger at the hardened bud, earning him a gasped, "Bastard."

"Oh, am I?" he's amused, "Who doesn't have the balls for a challenge now?"

Buck's strong hips shove up with an amount of force that's unexpected given their position and his fists clutch slightly tighter around the hairs they're holding on to, a friendly warning of sorts. "You wanna test me?" But he sounds more ruined than threatening.

Eddie grins at the result of his efforts. "Maybe," he says, before he nuzzles against the firm sternum, "but not now."

He demonstrates his real intentions by returning to the ravished nub without breaking eye contact and sucking on it in earnest. A sigh slips past Buck's lips and his eyelids flutter shut. If before his grip in Eddie's hair had tightened, now it loosens as he melts into this contact between them, his hands falling back onto the sheets. He's a perfect visage. This gorgeous man, so lost in bliss, every wrinkle in his face being smoothed over by it and his mouth left open where his somewhat delirious murmurs escape him. Eddie acts out on instinct and moves one hand to those sinfully full lips, presses against them without any clear planning. Buck's eyes fly open and hold steady as his mouth slips and closes around the digits, sucking on them. Eddie can feel his brain and his lungs giving out at that.

At first, he can only watch, unable to conjure up any possible reaction. But as he does, his craving grows and he has to collect himself. He withdraws his fingers from Buck's mouth and lowers himself to lick a stripe across one pec, then lavishes the same attention onto the other. Eddie lets his hands return to their roaming of tantalizing curves while he leaves a trail of open mouthed kisses that consistently and impatiently advances south. He slows down when he reaches Buck's treasure trail. Eddie stops for a beat, before he leisurely continues in the same direction, shifting to leaving pecks along the way, smaller, but persistent.

He felt Buck's dick almost the entire time. First, it was as a constant pressure against his hips, then as he moved down, it rubbed up against him occasionally. By the time he gets to Buck's nether regions, Eddie feels it against the underside of his jaw and that signals for him to stop. He bypasses it and continues southward, to Buck's thighs, where the skin is unbearably delicate. He holds on to the outer side and sucks along the inside of the right thigh before gnawing at the wet patches. The shaking of the muscles underneath his fingers and lips, the continuous moans from Buck, it's nothing short of heaven. He moves to the other side and does the same, studies the marks that his nibbling has left on the sensitive skin before Eddie gives himself permission to draw back and have a look at the organ he's been circumventing without ever losing awareness of.

He's seen a lot of cocks, especially during his army days, but he hasn't really observed them with any dedicated attention since the days of his high school insecurities. All those penises, he could barely recall them, they weren't of interest to him. Or maybe they were and he was trying to suppress it so badly, he hadn't even realized what he'd been doing. He's not sure anymore and the truth is that it doesn't matter anyway. He can reflect back all he wants, but this, here, with the consciousness of what he's about to do, this is nothing like any of those experiences.

He's so concentrated that Buck, propped up on his elbows and staring in his direction, startles him. "Eddie, if... if you haven't done this before, if you're not ready, it's okay. You don't have to." The strain in his voice is evident, but so is his sincerity.

"I want to," Eddie responds right away and as he says it, he knows that he does.

He tries not to over-analyze what he's about to do. He'll tackle this with the same tactic that's served him well whenever he had encountered a challenge in the army, to simply go with anything that came his way and trust his gut. His starting point would have to be a shot at mimicking whatever he's liked about blowjobs that he's received in the past. Most recently, he has had, without a doubt, a particularly good partner to borrow tips from.

Buck's cock is like the rest of him, standing tall and proud. Eddie unreservedly likes that. It's longer than his own is, if not by much and not as thick. There's already some pre-cum leaking out and the sight of it is both familiar and intimidating. This is going to be different to just rubbing it, a different sort of intimacy, which has all of his neurons firing away madly and he finds himself pushing a kiss onto the head cautiously, squinting at the taste on his tongue. The flavor is not exactly what he'd expected, but it's not bad. And there's something about it which he can't define, but Eddie thinks that he'll always associate it with Buck.

He tries another approach, licks along the shaft and gets to enjoy the visible responsiveness, to hear Buck's breathing become more labored. It sends a thrill down his spine. Makes him feel bolder. He takes the base of the cock in his hand and opens wide to take the tip in. Reminds himself that he has to be careful to cover the teeth. Once it's inside, the weight lies heavily on his tongue, the girth expanding his lips and stretching his cheeks. It's strange and his fingers around Buck's erection clench. He reminds himself not to apply too much pressure there, worried about causing pain. He withdraws and lets the head drop out. It glistens in the air, twitching when he inadvertently exhales on it and that extracts a growl out of Buck. Eddie's not quite enjoying himself so far, but he definitely wants to hear that sound again. He sucks the erection back in, this time attempting to take in a little more length. It works and as he's starting to feel a little less uncomfortable, he dares to try and glide his tongue along the flesh in his mouth, still mindful of his teeth.

Eddie keeps going as much as he can. He's pretty certain he's meant to relax his throat muscles, has witnessed others doing it, but that's the principle and he's got no idea how he's meant to translate it into practice. He tries to order his throat muscles to do this, but it doesn't appear like they are reacting to his mental command as they should. His hand around the base of Buck's dick starts moving hesitantly. There's no doubt in his mind at this point that he won't be able to swallow this cock all the way down, so he starts stroking the flesh that he can't otherwise excite. It doesn't take him too long to figure out a rhythm where his lips and his fist almost touch and in this way, cover the entirety of Buck's length.

He can't watch, but he's been able to hear Buck's constant stream of noises throughout, the fluctuations between whimpers and gasps. Eddie's been more than aware of every single instant when the hips beneath him reflexively stammered up from the bed. He's been keeping mental note of what causes that, been trying to repeat those moves. He's confident enough now to pull off and for variety, test alternating between licking at the dick's underside and grazing it a touch with his teeth. Buck mewls at this and it's a sweet little victory to savor before Eddie returns to swallowing.

He's been nervous, he can admit it to himself, and probably a bit scared, but he's increasingly liking certain aspects of this. The pressure inching interchangeably away from and towards the back of his throat is no longer as foreign and sometimes it's even enjoyable, while the rhythmic nature of the blowjob even has a certain calming effect on him. And there's a kind of rush in knowing what it's like to have Buck in his mouth. To experience the erect flesh transform from an almost unpleasant intrusion into a welcome one. To get to cause him pleasure in this way as well and drink in all of its effects, while having this mind numbing control over them. To be given the opportunity to check what wrangles out which kind of a response. He loves it, instinctively humming his approval around the intrusion and from somewhere above his head, he hears, "Holy sh...", which mixes in his head with the whiteness of the sheets and his own sense that this oral act which he's performing does feel a lot like worship. He's hit by Buck's fingertips, tapping against his head and shoulders, seeking to draw his attention or push him off, he can't tell which. It's followed by a strangled, "Eddie, I'm going to..."

He understands perfectly and he doesn't let up. On the contrary, he increases his pace, curious at what's about to happen. Buck grabs at him, hips shooting off the bed sharply and crying out unintelligibly as a hot liquid comes out in spurts and then oozes its way down Eddie's throat. He does his best to gulp it all down, but there's a lot of it and rather quickly, it fills his mouth and some dribbles out. Once Buck's gone limp between his lips, Eddie lets go of him and wipes his chin off. He crawls back up to take the right side of the bed and lies down, exhausted. By him, Buck is just as spent, if not more, but he still reaches out to tenderly stroke a cheek.

"I'm sorry, did I hurt you?"

Eddie hears a teasing reply hiding in there somewhere, but he's not keen to formulate it. He shrugs mildly. "Don't worry about it, I'm fine. Was it...?" He hates himself instantly for even starting to pose this question.

"What?" Buck's expression switches from mellow to concerned in the blink of an eye.

"It's nothing, it's just that..." This is a struggle. "I mean, I know that you've been with a lot of people and this couldn't have been that good for you..."

"Eddie," Buck says and his eyes switch back to being oh so bright. "It was perfect."

That can't be true. Eddie's a man who's used to assessing his own performance honestly and critically, he doesn't shy away from admitting flaws. He's new to this and his technique was undoubtedly lacking, at the very least. But Buck's words are a punch to his gut. Because somehow he believes them. Because for some reason, they really matter.

* * *

He's drifted off to sleep at some point and when he blinks his way back to wakefulness, he discovers that he's lying on his side, facing the shelves by the bed and Buck is enveloping him in an embrace from behind. He should, but he's not particularly inclined to move. Instead, he raises his head to inspect the items on display. He catches a few book titles, but almost right away, he's stuck on the picture of the little boy in the baseball shirt, wondering about it.

Buck moves behind, doubling down on his hold. "You awake?" He murmurs, sounding pretty drowsy still himself.

"Nope," Eddie answers.

"Well. You're very good at talking in your sleep."

He huffs with amusement at that. "Thank you, it's a skill I've been honing for years."

Buck's nose nuzzles against the back of his neck lazily. "That and spying at my books?"

"Me, spying?" Eddie blurts out indignantly when it dawns on him that yeah, fair enough. In a smaller voice, he corrects, "Actually, I was looking at that picture you have next to them."

There's a movement behind him and Buck places his chin over Eddie's shoulder to peek over. "If you're asking yourself if that's me, it is."

The little framed boy has properly golden hair, brighter than the shade it is now, his face is turned to the side and a big smile is visible.

"I thought it might be. You used to play baseball?"

Buck shrugs awkwardly behind him. "Kinda. It was my dad's idea, he thought sports helps turn boys into men. I was really small back then and the football league wouldn't have me, the coach had a few insulting words about that, so baseball it was." He cuts off his answer to place a kiss on one shoulder and then continues in a lower tone. "Dad never came to any of my games."

There's a sadness there, resigned and unshakable. If Eddie could, he'd smack Buck's dad for being such a jerk to his son.

"Who took that picture, then?"

"That was Maddie. My big sister."

"You two were close?"

"Mmmm. Very. Our mom and dad, I think they tried, but they didn't have a clue how to be good parents. And Maddie was amazing. She just stepped in and did everything that they should have done. She would argue with my dad whenever she thought he was making a mistake. I really didn't want to play any sports after the football coach made his remarks about me. But there was no way Dad was going to change his mind, so once the baseball team accepted me, it was a done deal. When she realized that, she came to every single game. That day," Buck points his chin at the picture, his face hovering by Eddie's, "I hit my first home run. She was so excited, she said that she had to have a picture to remember this."

"Are you two still in touch?"

"Sure, we talk on the phone every week."

"On the phone?"

"She's in Tampa, Florida. Maddie was a nurse for a while, you know? I was so proud of her. But she was also... she fell in love with the wrong kind of guy and she married him. He moved her away and had her cut off all connections to anyone from the life she had before their marriage. Are you sure this isn't boring you?"

"Would I sound like an Athena interrogation if this was boring?"

Buck laughs at that. "Alright, don't say I didn't warn you. Doug... That was his name, Maddie's husband. Doug wanted her isolated so he could control her. He was abusive emotionally and then physically, too." He stops to swallow. "I think it was a year ago. She decided to run away from him and she did. She found my address. But after a while, so did he."

"He showed up at your place?"

"I wasn't home. He kidnapped Maddie and she fought back, Eddie. She fought so hard and she killed him. I was so scared for her, but she survived. The thing is, she couldn't shake it off after. She didn't feel safe at my place. Said she had to move away, find somewhere that was hers."

Eddie wishes he could make it all better. For the little boy in the picture. For his big sister. To make things right for them, so they at least wouldn't have to live with the whole width of America holding them apart. He places his hand on one of the arms around him and gives it a small squeeze. "I'm sorry, that sucks," he says and knows to the depths of his very core how inadequate he is.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to [Becky](https://archiveofourown.org/users/iambeckyz/pseuds/iambeckyz), thank you for making me so happy with your enthusiasm over this fic!
> 
> You can now find the links to all of my Buddie content (not just fics) pinned at the top of [my Tumblr](https://matan4il.tumblr.com/post/622815673580650496/pinned-post-my-buddie-content).

Shannon takes another sip from the red wine she keeps stashed away in their kitchen cabinet after they get home from their date and it makes Eddie grimace just like he did when the waiter came over with the check. His wife's taste in food has never been cheap, but the bill was higher than he expected. While he has promised Shannon that he would take her to this fancy Italian restaurant for their date night as a peace offering, he's still supporting them on a firefighter's salary. Sure, it's a one time thing, but he worries all the same. Date nights are a constant added expense now, Christopher's needs aren't cheap either and things can accumulate, especially if there's some sort of an emergency no one can foresee. Eddie's been on enough calls to be mindful of how common and unexpected those are. 

"This is really good," Shannon says, "do you want one, too?" 

Maybe he should have some, but he doesn't want that bottle running out any faster than it has to. She's had more than a glass in the restaurant and he hates himself for measuring her alcohol consumption, but he resents that she's drinking another one at home. Not that he'd tell her that. "No, you go ahead. I'm tired, I think I'm gonna head off to bed."

It has been a long and exhausting day, which is why he was fighting to keep his eyelids open during certain moments of their date. The rich Italian food made him even sleepier before the meal was over and he would very much like to get some sleep. He goes into their bedroom and without turning the lights on, starts taking his clothes off.

He hears the shuffle of feet right before Shannon's hands are on him, coming around his waist and closing in on his abs. He remembers Buck's hand there with a washcloth, gently wiping off his own semen from Eddie's skin.

Shannon leaves a peck under his left shoulder blade. He hums at it and turns around to her, collects her into his arms. She's soft, like he remembers. Eddie kisses her lips like he used to when they were young and newly in love. He can taste the sweetness of the wine she drank on her lips. He tilts his head to deepen the kiss and she lets him in. Why wouldn't she? Shannon's not drunk, but she must be enjoying a nice buzz and when she's like that, she usually is clear on what she wants and goes after it. It's just that this hasn't been something she's indicated wanting in a very long time.

She reaches up her hands to bring him in closer, but that's when he pulls away. He's in white underpants and even though the light coming into their bedroom from the hallway is dim, when he holds her at arm's length and looks down, she must be able to see that he's not hard.

"I'm sorry," he says. She's staring. He tries to recall if there was ever a time when she's wanted sex and he didn't. Probably not since she returned to them. The lack of desire for sex was pretty mutual. And in the further past, he was young and always eager. Their problems were smaller, too. "I'm really tired. We had a few difficult calls today." It's not a lie, though that didn't stop him from stealing a moment at the end of their shift today, when there were no prying eyes around him, to pin Buck against a locker and suck a hickey onto his collarbone. Because Eddie could. Because he wanted to and was sure that Buck would let him. "I'm sure when I get those vacation days that I'm owed, I can rest and do this. It's just two weeks away. That's not too long to wait for it, right?" he asks and hates the hope in his voice. It's not right, but it's all he has to offer for now.

Shannon shakes her head, the question seemingly snapping her out of her reverie. "Yeah, I guess, has it really been that bad today?"

"It really has been," he swallows around the lie in omission.

"Why didn't you tell me about it over dinner?"

"We were having such a nice time, I didn't want to spoil it. Okay?"

"Yeah," she nods, "okay."

* * *

The light streams in through the window above Buck's bed and accentuates every detail. The metal bars along the headrest, the dark blue sheets they're lying on. Their jog in the forest was shorter today, they stole from it in order to stay longer in bed. They've been fucking for who knows how long and they're still not satiated. Eddie is reveling in it, coming down from his last orgasm by remaining entangled in each other. He's running the tip of his tongue along the outline of Buck's lips, ever so delicately, then over them, dips it in and out only to trail the path down towards the neck. Eddie adores when it's elongated, inviting and vulnerable, begging for his mouth.

Buck's hands come up to capture his head and have a look. They were so intertwined in each other that even this small distance pulls them apart. For a brief second, Eddie is completely still when Buck's eyes are on him. But it's too intense and he can't help himself, he tries to move his face, to get away from this. He attempts a distraction by reaching out to one of the wrists holding him with his lips, to stamp the skin there with desire, to flee the gaze so focused on him. The light from the window falls right into his irises, probably cloaks them in a way with its golden shine. He can't possibly guess what Buck sees there, doesn't want to either. It makes him naked in a way his lack of clothes never has. But the grip on him is insistent and he has no choice but to eventually grant Buck's wishes. Eddie stays in the light that he'd rather shy away from. Decides that he might as well look back. He drinks up bright blue against dark blue sheets. It's lasting a short eternity, but he remains in the light of the eyes trained on him. Scary, but he stays put until Buck has had his fill, has found whatever answer he was looking for and lets loose of his hold.

"I want to go out," he says and it's curious how he can convey this not as a demand, but as a statement of facts.

That might be why Eddie is not tied up in knots, but there is a muscle in his jaw he's scared might start clenching. "What, like... to a restaurant?" he asks.

Buck laughs. "No, I was thinking more along the lines of dancing in a club, it's actually way more anonymous. We could go to a place across the city. We won't meet anyone familiar. There's a really good gay one there and," he rushes the words out as he points his finger at Eddie, "before you freak out, the point of it is that everyone is very discreet, unlike in a regular club. Nobody that goes there will ever say a word about anyone else." 

Eddie recognizes Buck is probably right to assume he'd panic as his first reaction. By all means, he should. He normally probably would, too. Not now, however. Buck's touch is still a ghostly presence on his face, haunting him with the apparent ability of those blue eyes to pierce straight into him. What's one night in an anonymous club across town in comparison to that? Eddie's feeling brave, not to mention trusting, when Buck is aware of the need for discretion.

"Yeah, alright," he agrees. "We can do that for one night."

Buck kisses him with a ferocity Eddie did not anticipate and slots their bodies back together as if they had never been separate.

* * *

Eddie's almost done putting his clothes back on, he only has the belt buckle left to clasp into place and then he'll be ready to leave. Buck's somewhere downstairs, having only put on his underwear, a t-shirt and pants before his cell phone, abandoned in the loft's living room, rang.

Eddie practically runs down the stairs, but there is no sign of anyone there. The loft isn't big, leaving few options for someone to be, so he turns to the balcony. Sure enough, Buck's out there, leaning against the railing, phone in his hand and turned off.

"Hey, didn't know where you disappeared to."

Buck raises his hand and lowers it again in a dismissive gesture. He continues to observe the view without turning around.

"Was that Maddie?" Eddie takes a spot by the railing.

"Yeah."

He wants to follow that up by inquiring if everything's okay, but he's not stupid. It's obviously not. "Bad news?"

Buck shrugs, "Those vacation days that our team has coming? We were supposed to spend them together."

"And she cancelled on you."

"She has." The way he says it means he might understand, but that does little to stave off his displeasure. "Before Doug, she used to work as a nurse. Now she's trying out things. Her latest job requires a three week internship course and the dates for it cover our entire time off."

Eddie bites the side of his lip. He's got his own sisters, he'd be disappointed in such a scenario, too. Only after what Buck and Maddie had been through, when they were each other's only real family, it must hurt even more. But there's more to it than that. If Buck had the impression that his sister was on the right way to recovery, he would have been disappointed about being apart, sure, but he'd be less upset.

"You don't approve of what she chose to do?"

Buck does that nose scrunching thing, the one that Eddie has less and less issues thinking of as cute, while the wrinkles by his eyes deepen momentarily. He shakes his head, like he should have guessed Eddie would ask about this. "She's a helper. Honestly, it's in her nature to take care of people. It's why she was so good, basically raising me instead of my parents. But she's scared to now. She thinks that he drained everything out of her and she has nothing left to give."

Eddie bumps their shoulders together awkwardly, with no real force to it. "What is she interning as?" he asks.

Buck exhales in disapproval. "A pet beautician," he exaggeratingly declares as if he were an announcer in some pageant.

"Pet beautician..." Eddie repeats in astonishment, eyebrows shooting up. What is he meant to say to that? "Wow. Well... I guess the good news is, you're getting your next haircut for free."

Buck blinks, then he drops his head and laughs. "I guess there's that."

"And you never know. Maybe she'll figure out ways to help the pet owners beyond a haircut."

"Yeah, maybe." Buck finally turns to him and after a beat, shoves his hand into his pants' pocket. He pulls out a key attached to a keyring. "This one's for the loft. In case you ever need the space away from your house."

How much has Buck gleaned about Eddie's marital unhappiness? He's never uttered a word, it would be too much of a betrayal to do that to Shannon. But whatever some may say, however much a few of the guys at the station may enjoy ribbing on Buck for being a dumbass, he's not actually stupid. He must have put some things together and seen the real picture.

Eddie should deliberate this, but Buck's expression makes the decision for him. He reaches for the key. Just when it's about to be in his hand, Buck withdraws with a small chuckle. Eddie grins and scratches the tip of his nose, like he's contemplating whether he wants to try for it a second time. Buck offers it again, pushing it forward and smiles in a way that matches with his eyes round and big, making the point that he won't withdraw now. Eddie takes it and lets the coolness of the metal seep into him.

"Gotta go," he says and moves to do so.

"Hey, Eddie," Buck says, stopping him in his tracks, "did you ever consider... that... just maybe... maybe Christopher would be better off with divorced parents than with unhappy ones?"

What a damn question to ask. There's only one possible response before he leaves, key clasped in his fist. 

"No."

* * *

The club's lights flicker around in every color, washing over the dancers filling up the floor. It's not like a dream, more like a hallucination caused by LSD. Eddie has never dabbled in hallucinogens, but this is what he imagines it would be like. He's flying high as a kite, endorphins pumping through his system to the same tempo as the bass, banging his head along as the audacity of being here, together and in public, underscores every beat of the song.

They started out dancing with a gap between them and Eddie in particular enjoyed flinging his limbs around freely. He's always been told how good he is at moving his body in time with the music and he did so here, without restriction. This was young and wild, something he'd never really had the opportunity to be. The dance floor is crowded with men, but he has this conviction that he's dancing with the hottest one at the club. It's not his opinion alone, either. He has seen the men checking Buck out when they had just arrived. They both did. He definitely wanted to lash out at them to back off, but he couldn't ignore the fact that he had no real right to. To his delight, it was Buck who set the record straight, so to speak, by taking Eddie's arm and draping it over his shoulder. It didn't do enough to stop the unsolicited attention, but it loosened something feral in Eddie's chest and he smirked as he used his arm's new position to draw Buck in and bite lightly into his favorite hickey spot, lapping up sweat and hushed groans.

As more people kept joining the limited dance space, they were pushed pretty quickly right into each other, no more room to dance as wildly as they did and no barrier between them other than their tight t-shirts. Eddie didn't mind one bit, that what they're doing now might not even pass for dancing anymore. They have their hands all over one another, mouths teasing without actually connecting, indecently grinding against each other and he's got Buck's already hard dick rubbing against his thigh with every move of their flush bodies. Eddie sees a challenge and has to check what he can get away with, cupping the obvious erection through the cloth of the sinfully tight black jeans. He's rewarded with a whimper vibrating where lips are wetly pressed against his neck. Eddie grabs Buck's ass and crushes their pelvises against each other while claiming his mouth, hoping every last single guy who leered at him before can witness this now.

When their kiss is stopped for the sake of air, they rest their foreheads together. It's not exactly comfortable, Buck has to lean down a bit for this, but there's a sense of wholeness to it. Their arms are still wrapped tightly around each other, their bodies pressed together, but their movements are considerably slower and no longer match the music, they're focused too much on the contact between them and the contrast with the upbeat song only enhances how much they're immersed in their own private bubble.

Buck nuzzles his cheek and uses the tip of his nose to sketch a track to his ear. "I could go down on you, right here." Eddie's startled by this and comes to a standstill. His hands are still clutched around Buck, who smiles cheekily at him. "Another advantage of a gay club, nobody cares if stuff like that happens, after a certain hour."

The image of it is a lightning strike through his brain. The two of them out here on this floor, with everybody watching as Buck drops to his knees, takes Eddie's cock out and blows it, as well as his mind. Logically, it would be nothing but an act of debauchery in a club where worse can probably be witnessed on a nightly basis. But he's not logical right now, it's his hindbrain that's reacting, aroused at the thought that this would be an undeniable claim for all to see. And he growls with how much he wants Buck. Not his mouth alone, he wants more. Eddie slips his hand under the waist of Buck's jeans and he brings their bodies so close together, it teeters on the brink of pain. "I wanna have all of you," he breathes out and the next thing they know, he's dragging Buck away from this central space.

One of the in-built features of being a firefighter is that they develop a habit of scanning every place they walk into as they enter, cataloguing away in their mind the potential fire hazards as well as the possible evacuation routes. Usually, it's a mental reflex that thankfully doesn't come to any practical use, but right now Eddie is grateful for it, because he's aware of exactly where he's leading them. He saw the corridor leading to the bathrooms and what he can imagine are the backrooms, stretching out from one side of the main hall, but he's not interested in going there. On the opposite side, he observed that there's another corridor, quite a lot narrower, but still wide enough for the two of them. He assumes it leads to the management's offices, which probably means it's kept cleaner. As soon as they round the corner, Eddie has Buck pushed up and into the wall, latching onto his neck, hands shoving up his shirt and greedily grappling the taut muscles beneath it. They're close enough to the dance floor that the lights continue to reflect down on them and Eddie is tasting Buck's skin, bites his nipples, in a variety of colors.

Most people won't approach this hallway, it's too far away from the backrooms, but in theory, anyone can pass them by in this corridor or even simply come near enough to the edge of the dance floor to catch what they're doing. That's why this spot feels both secluded and exposed at the same time. Eddie's pulse is thrumming in his ears with the intoxicating effect of it all. He's insatiable for Buck panting when his skin is being marked, never gets tired of the electricity that their bodies spark when rubbing together. Eddie reaches down, his mouth still buried in the crook of Buck's neck, searches to undo the pants that are in his way and are rudely keeping him from his goal. He pushes them down and away, in equal parts is surprised and isn't when he finds nothing under them. "Jesus," he mutters as he takes hold of the revealed hardness and enjoys the shudder that this sends through them both.

Buck stops him, grabs him by the hair and forces them apart. Eddie looks up at him with confusion to find a focused glance directed right behind them. When he turns to check what or who's there, he spots that just across the corridor from them, on the opposite wall, hangs a big mirror. Maybe it was placed here for the club's employees to inspect their appearance before a shift begins. He can't be bothered about that too much, not when there's something else stirring him up, making him even harder. The idea that Buck will be pinned against the wall, taking in the sight of how Eddie manhandles him, able to see everything done to him. 

"I want you to watch everything," Eddie's turned his head back and he says this to Buck in a low, demanding voice, savoring the dilation of his pupils, adoring how much heavier his chest starts heaving, "and remember every detail. I'm not going to be able to look, so next time we meet, I want to hear you describing for me what I missed. Maybe," he smiles almost predatorily, "I'll even have you reenact it for me."

Buck's head hits the wall and the agreement he's trying to express comes out all garbled. Eddie takes out a condom and a small bottle of lube he's had burning a hole in his pocket the entire evening. He hands over the packet and instructs, "Put it on me," as he undoes the top of his pants and pushes down his underwear with them. They stare at each other as Buck begins to stroke Eddie's erection, too slow for comfort, unwrapping the condom with his free hand and teeth in parallel. He places it over the cockhead and with his fist sliding around the rubber, from tip towards base, repeatedly, he rolls it down. They both feel the other man's breath on their face quickening.

Eddie opens the small bottle of lube and pours it into his palm. He coats his own erect flesh with it, before he moves a slicked finger over to search for the entrance into Buck, whose eyes flash at him under the club's lights in ever changing colors and always with that bright blue glint underneath. Eddie circles his digit around and finally pushes it cautiously in at the same moment he nudges his tongue into Buck's mouth, melting their moans into one. He twists around inside until he locates a small bump and starts applying pressure onto it. His hope is confirmed when Buck jerks and his sudden yelp tears their mouths apart. "You're not the only one who can do some online research," Eddie grins at him. All he gets in return is an impatient tug on his arm, which tells him that he can go ahead and add another finger, followed not too long after by a third. He pulls Buck closer, re-aligns their lips and grabs him under his ass, lifting him up and continuing to ravage his mouth hungrily like that, with all of the man's weight forced to pour down into the kiss. 

"Fuck," Buck eventually breaks their kiss off with his hiss, "you can actually fucking lift me."

Eddie slams him into the wall, the distance is small enough, grumbling out, "Eyes on the mirror." It's intensely gratifying, to have Buck complying instantly. "Do you see me there?" Eddie's well aware that his pants have slinked down to his knees, so his ass must be on full display in the mirror. Buck's guttural response can't pass for a coherent one, not while he's wrapping up his legs around Eddie's waist and digging his fingers into mounds of flesh. 

Eddie maneuvers them so that he's holding Buck up using one arm alone thanks to combining it with the support from the wall. They're pressed against each other, mouths open and trailing the outlines of the other man's lips. Eddie may not be as built as Buck, but he's still muscles all over and very good at utilizing the ones he has. With this move he's just employed, he frees his other hand to direct his dick as he penetrates Buck. Eddie starts to sink in slowly, but is jerked forward by the digits boring into his butt cheek.

"I want to see you," Buck calmly says between pants, like they're not both a writhing mess, while he visibly zooms in on their reflections in the mirror, "really going at it."

Eddie loses his mind at that, if he hadn't been doing that the entire night, and he starts pounding into Buck without restraint. It's so damn good, the sensations that are taking over him and how right they fit into each other, that he lets it out in short and desperate grunts, a staccato of thrusts and sounds. Their bodies trap Buck's dick in the constant friction between them, extracting sobs from him that shatter like a beautiful kaleidoscope every time he's simultaneously being jerked and impaled. Judging by the wetness that's spreading over Eddie's shirt, Buck's about to climax. He's evidently not interested in slowing that down, his thighs tightening to get himself fucked even harder. He cries out something that might have been a moan or a 'yes,' it's hard to tell his words and noises apart when he reaches completion. Eddie notes the semen that stripes both their fronts with satisfaction as he keeps up his drilling pace. His free hand reaches for one of Buck's and tears it away from where it was burrowed into Eddie's ass cheek, shoving it up against the wall and entangling their fingers together. It reminds him of the first time he was allowed to do something similar, in the forest, how their arms only hovered above one another back then. He can feel his orgasm coming on.

* * *

The fucking neighbors are mowing their lawn and Eddie would really like to murder them in the same way the hangover hammering away at his head is killing him. Who mows the lawn this early in the morning? He rolls over in bed in the direction of the window and realizes the alarm clock by his bed is indicating that it's later than he thought. Shit, he promised Shannon he would help her with assembling the new bookcase they had gotten for Christopher. He wants to hurry over, but the painful pounding in his head won't let him move too quickly. He drags himself heavily up and out of their bedroom, staggering over to Chris' and leans against the open doorway. His wife is on the floor, planks of wood around her, a screwdriver clutched in her fist and instructions sheets are spread in front of her.

"Damn, I'm sorry," he says. She doesn't look up at him. A fight is obviously brewing and he looks around for their son. He registers that Chris isn't in the room, nor can he hear any sounds of his boy playing in the living room. "Where's Christopher?" he asks.

"I dropped him off at your grandmother's when I realized that I'm going to have to do this alone," Shannon answers, still not a glance in his direction.

"Why didn't you wake me up?"

"I tried," she answers, her sentences short with anger. "Lots of times."

He screws his face up. "I'm really sorry," he says, because what else can he tell her?

Shannon puts the screwdriver down and finally raises her head. "Is it that bitch, Bosko?"

"What?" he's honestly stunned at where this is coming from.

"Don't lie to me, I saw you that day in the bowling alley, you couldn't keep your eyes away from her table! I just thought you wouldn't actually do that, that even if you won't honor your marriage to me, you'd at least respect your co-worker and not be fucking his girlfriend behind his back!"

"Shannon, I'm not doing anything with Bosko! I promise, I'm not interested in her!"

"Then who is it, Eddie? Who's the woman? Because you're always staying out, you turn me down, you come home at dawn reeking of alcohol..."

"I just went out with one of the guys from the station for a few drinks after our shift, we needed to clear our heads and let off some steam. I'm sorry, we got carried away..."

Something shifts in her eyes. Some of the disbelief is starting to leave them, but there's a harshness that's still there. "If you are fucking another woman, Eddie, so help me..."

"I swear to God, Shannon, I'm not cheating on you with another woman! What do you want me to do to prove it? Do you want me to bring the Bible and swear on it?" He may not be the most observant Catholic, but that kind of pledge he takes seriously and she knows that.

Shannon stares at him for a moment, then shakes her head, her features resigned to disappointment. "Alright," she says, "alright. Maybe you're not fucking Bosko and there is no other woman. But does that make things between us okay, Eddie? I'm pretty sure they haven't been for a while, despite the date nights. I thought we were getting somewhere with that idea, but... we're not, are we?"

She leaves him so helpless at times like this, he's completely defenseless against the tinge of bitterness he hears, because she's not wrong. He shoves his hands in his pockets. "What do you want me to say to make it better? Just tell me and I will."

"I want you to be honest with me," Shannon shakes her head, like she's already given up on him being able to rise to that challenge. His silence as he searches for anything he can say that could fix this confirms it. She goes over to their closet. "Eddie, I need some space, I have to clear my head and gain some perspective. Mary suggested this a long time ago and she's right, I have to take her up on her offer. I'm going to stay at her place for a while until I can figure out what I want to... what I can do."

His head's reeling. He's scared of what this might mean, but as hard as he searches his mind for anything useful, he can't come up with a single argument compelling enough to stop her. He finally settles on, "For how long?"

She shoots him a look that makes it clear that this was the wrong thing to ask. "As long as it takes," she says in a resolute tone.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter dedicated to [Oliverstarklover](https://archiveofourown.org/users/oliverstarklover/pseuds/oliverstarklover), thank you for the lovely feedback and support, not to mention the awesome username. Rock on! ;)
> 
> Any and all feedback is appreciated! 
> 
> You can come yell at me on [my Tumblr](https://matan4il.tumblr.com/), send prompts or questions of any kind, it's all welcome!

The worst part was picking up Chris from Abuela's and having to explain to him why his mommy isn't coming home in the foreseeable future. Eddie couldn't bring himself to do it inside, so he waited for them to reach the truck. He went to Christopher's side like he always does, to help him climb in, but first he crouched down to be at eye level with his son.

"Mijo," he started, having no clue how he was going to continue, "When we get home... Mom isn't going to be there. She went to stay with Mary. It's only for a short time, alright? You're... probably going to be a little sad without her," he wants to bite into his own bottom lip until it would bleed. He was meant to shield Chris from any pain and this is what he ended up doing to him instead, again. "I will be too, but I promise, this isn't going to last long. She'll be back in no time. We're going to be patient and wait for her together, is that okay?"

"Dad, you promise? She is coming back?" Chris' eyes rolled up like they sometimes do and it made it look as if he was praying.

If only Eddie had the power to grant him anything he wished for. He wondered if he'd ever get to stop breaking his son's heart, as well as his own in the process. "Pinky swear," he said and raised his fist with his pinky finger stretched up. A bit of effort directing his movements and Chris pressed his against it, Eddie intertwining them. Then he let go and collected his kid into his arms. He hugged him with all he had, but broke it off before it would have been too obvious that he was scared about not being able to keep his word. "Okay, in we go, buddy."

He made a decision right there and then, as he helped his son climb in, on what else he had to do. That leads to the second hardest thing, the one he has to face now. He's about to call Bobby and explain why he would need to take a day off, despite only having the following day to work before his team's due vacation time and even though for a part of it, Chris would be at school anyway. He supposes that if Shannon had no choice other than to leave, then in that sense it was good she did so ahead of the three weeks when he wouldn't have to sort out any arrangements for their kid to be taken care of in the afternoons, Eddie would only have to figure out tomorrow. However, that would mean asking Abuela or Pepa to babysit his son during the following after-school hours. That meant either he would have to confess to them why he had to ask for that, or they would find out from Christopher anyway. And then Eddie would have to deal with their anger at his wife, their chiding of her actions. They do it from a place of love and support, of course they do, but it always comes across as criticism of him, too. If it weren't for his failures, Shannon wouldn't have left. If it weren't for his choices, she wouldn't have had the power to hurt either him or their son again. Maybe, if he were allowed a personal day off and she were to return before the three weeks were up, maybe his family could be kept in the dark and he could save himself some grief. Most importantly in his decision making, his gut is telling him that finding someone else to look after his son isn't enough. Chris simply needs his dad.

When the Captain picks up the phone, it's a fight to get the words out, so Eddie offers the details essential for understanding his predicament. He has an emergency at home, and that if it's alright, he'd rather not specify. It's not grave, but it did come out of the blue, so he can't get anyone to take care of his kid tomorrow at such short notice. That's all Eddie is able to offer his boss, no more. His stomach is tied up in knots. What if he should have said more, if he gets denied, what is he to do then? Bobby's reply comes immediately, saving him from his own fears. His request is approved, they would find someone to cover his shift.

"Thank you for understanding, Cap. Sorry to be calling you about this on your day off..."

"Don't worry about it, son. I'm always here for you, for anything you need help with. If you think of anything else I can do to make this easier for you and for your son, please tell me." It warmed Eddie's heart so much that he couldn't express it in any way, he would have been left broken if he had so much as tried to.

After the conversation is over, he lets out the breath he was holding onto and as it leaves his body, he can't ignore the hollowness that remains behind. He has to re-center himself, understand what he's going to do now. Today's almost over and he must make it up to his son in the upcoming few weeks.

* * *

Eddie had dropped Christopher off at school that morning, troubled after he learned that his son's sleep had been fraught throughout the whole night. He went grocery shopping for them, having made a list and included in it some of his son's favorite items. He had tried to call Shannon before they had earlier left the house, but there was no answer. Instead, he got a text message. 'Is it an emergency?' it read. When he replied that it wasn't, she texted back, asking him not to contact her unless it was one. She would get in touch once she was ready.

He's making his way home when he catches sight of Buck sitting on the front step. Eddie parks his truck in the driveway, takes out the bags of bought goods from the back seat and proceeds to walk to his front door.

Buck's already on his feet, waiting for him. "Sorry for sitting out here, I knocked on the door and no one answered," he offers awkwardly.

"You shouldn't have come. What if Shannon had been home?" Eddie is doing all he can to control his anger.

"Is it that weird for a colleague to visit you?"

"In the middle of a work day? Yeah, it is."

Buck shrugs. "Your wife doesn't know my schedule, I could have improvised something as an explanation for her."

"You. You've got an answer for everything, don't you? What are you even doing here?"

"Bobby said you had to take the day off for personal reasons. I knew it had to be really serious, so I came."

"You left Cap with a man down?"

"I called John up, told him I would owe him a huge one if he takes over for me. He hates equipment maintenance, so I basically agreed to take over it for him for a month after we go back to work."

Only, Buck hates it as well. It's impossible to stay mad at him, his eyes brimming with concern. It's a stark reminder that really, he's not the one whose fault this is. Eddie purses his lips together. "Come inside," he invites, his voice resigned.

"Do you need help with that?" Buck asks and after a second's hesitation, Eddie passes on to him two of the shopping bags.

"Thanks," he adds. They walk in and he leads them to the kitchen, places the groceries on the counter. Buck follows his lead. Eddie then points to the coat hanger. "Make yourself at home," he says by force of habit.

After Buck's hung up his jacket, he comes to stand by Eddie's side, who's taking out the groceries and putting them away. There's silence between them with a hint of awkwardness. This is uncharted territory. In too many ways.

"What are these for?" Buck is the first to break the quiet.

Eddie is in the middle of taking out the dried corn husks when the question is posed. "Ummm, Chris loves tamales. I hardly ever make them. If someone does, it's my Abuela. But..." How does he say that he owes his son for everything that he's screwed up? "He deserves something nice to come back to from school today."

He keeps himself busy with everything he's taking out, but he can tell Buck is watching him.

"Would you like some help with that?"

Eddie stops and looks at him. "Well, I wouldn't say no, I'm not the best at cooking, to be honest."

Buck smiles. "I'm not the greatest either, but lucky for you, I'm addicted to tamales." He pauses, concern overtaking his features as he checks the materials spread out for immediate use on the counter. "You're not going for huge quantities, I spot only one type of filling, but you do realize it would still take something like five to six hours to prepare them with everything you have here, right? If you don't want me to be here when Shannon comes home..."

Eddie grimaces. "She won't be." Buck furrows his brow. "She decided..." The words come out like a knife through flesh, "to stay with a friend. Didn't say when she's coming back. Or if she's even going to..."

"And that's why you took the day off."

"I had to." Eddie pulls back his lips in what might have otherwise looked like a grin, if it weren't for the way he bares his clenched teeth and nods in disbelief at himself. "I fucked things up so badly for Chris... again."

"Again?"

Eddie lets out a bitter cackle. "I'm supposed to protect him. Make things better for him. Instead, I keep pushing his mom to leave." He turns back to the groceries still spread out on the counter, shuffles them around without actually noticing any of them. Breathes deeply in as he continues. "Before Christopher was born, I was in the army. I was serving in Afghanistan when Shannon called to tell me about his diagnosis. I wanted to step up for him, I did, it was just that... I didn't know how to be a dad to a kid with cerebral palsy. But to be a soldier, a breadwinner? I could do that. I was about to finish my tour over there, but instead I signed up for another one. I didn't even consult Shannon, because... what would I do if she said no? I didn't see any other options to support them. I kept repeating that to myself and I couldn't admit even to myself that I was..."

When he can't finish his sentence, Buck does it for him. "That you were running away."

Eddie catches his lower lip between his teeth before he admits, "And I made her do the same. Not that long after I left the army, Shannon had to go stay with her mother to help out with a big health issue. It was supposed to be just for a while. She didn't return. Christopher, he really struggled. I can't tell you how many nights he couldn't fall asleep because of the anxiety that his mom leaving caused. And I was furious with her for so long... until she came back, about a year ago. She said that she was sorry and was willing to work to make things right, with both of us. She also opened up and told me how those years without me affected her. She had a rough time, too. And I wasn't even here, I had no idea. It took me some time, but I realized that it was all my fault, not hers, and that Chris needed his mom. So I agreed. We said we'd do this together, make it better. Between us, too."

"It didn't work out, though."

He stares at Buck. How does this man pick up on these things, why is it that he can get Eddie to spill all these things he wouldn't even tell his own Captain or family about? Almost like he's wanted to share them for some time now and being pushed into a corner is the excuse he's needed all along. "I guess understanding why someone failed you and letting go of being angry at them, it's not exactly the same thing. You know what's crushing me here? I may understand Shannon better, but I still don't really trust her. It goes both ways, too. She probably never forgave me for having left the first time. She doesn't trust me that much either, she's kept trying to sniff out who I'm screwing around with, almost from the second we got back together, even though I wasn't."

Buck taps his palm against the sharp corner of the counter. "I guess when you actually started sleeping with me, that didn't help."

Eddie lets out a small puff of air. "You know what's the worst part? It's that I want Christopher to have this family, the kind I grew up with... a normal one, the way that every kid deserves to have, with a mom and a dad who love and support each other and him. But not that long before the training course? It started getting so bad between Shannon and me, I actually thought about a divorce. I even asked around a bit. One of my cousins is a lawyer, so when I was considering that, my Aunt Pepa insisted that I had to consult him. Do you know what he said? That because I let Shannon back into our lives, whatever claim I had before that could have helped me in court, no judge would give it too much weight now. Moms are always afforded the benefit of the doubt, especially if they left due to a family health crisis and then returned. She has her own claim she can make about me being absent, plus she's white and from a middle class family, not half Mexican and working class background like me. My cousin said I have almost no chance of getting equal custody over Chris and that hey, get the wrong kind of judge on the bench? I may not even get custody at all. Buck, Shannon isn't a bad mom, but she wasn't around for a lot of the things Christopher went through, growing up. The years she was here for, those aren't his challenges anymore. And what he has to face now? I think maybe because she hasn't experienced a lot of it, she's still in denial over how that's changed. I'm not perfect either, but I have been here, I have seen what he's had to overcome. He needs me to be around, not pushed aside by custody issues. And he can't..." he motions helplessly, "he can't suddenly have an absentee parent... again. So no matter what happens, I can't, I just can't let it get to a divorce. I have to stick it out. When Shannon is back from her friend's, I have to make it right with her. I just have to find a way to get Chris through the day until she does."

Buck nods, looking down at his hand, still jabbed against the counter's corner. Then he moves and starts picking up the food products from under Eddie's hands. "Where do you want these?" he asks and puts them away where he's indicated to. When he's done, only the ingredients for the tamales are left on the counter. "Okay, where can I find your largest stockpot?"

* * *

They've been moving around each other in the kitchen in near perfect sync. Not quite on the same level that they have on the field, but pretty close. It hits Eddie that it's the little signals they give each other while they work, short sentences, cut-off words because they get each other's meaning right away. Even when they don't talk all that much, they still communicate.

"Here, come help me with this," Buck calls him over. They're almost done. Mostly, what's left is to tidy everything up. Eddie has finished placing all the tamales on a big platter and Buck is about to wash the smaller sauce pot, holding the Salsa Verde, when he calls out to him. "Shame to waste this." There's a small amount of sauce that has clung to the bottom, Buck collects it with his finger and presents it to him. Eddie hesitates for a moment. They've been comfortable with each other the entire time that they've been cooking, even joking around together. He doesn't want to break that, so he quickly takes the offered digit in his mouth and sucks the sauce off it. Buck moves it back into the pot, collecting what little is left there and consuming it in much the same manner. It's delicious and Eddie knows that nothing of what they prepared today would have turned out half as good if it weren't for Buck being there.

He's overcome by the urge to turn away and as he does, he catches the microwave clock display. "Oh damn, I have to go. Christopher's school is almost over for the day." He inspects the tamales. "I'll leave these out, they'll still be warm when we get back."

"Right. And I should probably head home now," Buck says. His voice screams reluctance, his head is a little slumped and his expression somewhat hollow. They've been on their feet for roughly five and a half hours, making this modest batch of tamales, but this isn't about fatigue.

"Hey, do you want to come with me to pick him up?" Eddie suggests.

Buck looks up at him and there's clear hesitancy on his face, but also a renewed light in his eyes. "Are you sure about that?"

"Yeah, I mean... I'm not, not completely, we'll see how he is when we get there, but I think he could use some additional distraction today. Worst case scenario, you'll just go home from his school instead of from here. No huge difference, right?"

"Right," Buck agrees and grabs his jacket from the coat hanger as Eddie pockets the keys to his truck and they leave the house.

* * *

Eddie's used to finding Christopher waiting for him outside the school's gate. His son is standing there today, with his school pack on his back and leaning on his crutches. Eddie stops in the pick up spot and as he moves out of the vehicle, he can tell that Buck does too, a few seconds behind him.

"Hey, Superman, how are you?" Eddie goes to hug his kid, then he steps to the side. "Look who I brought with me..."

"Hi Chris," Buck waves shyly as he crouches down a bit, "Do you remember me?"

Christopher takes him in and answers confidently, "You're dad's friend, from bowling. You were watching when I was playing."

Buck's lips break into an incredulous smile. "Yeah, I was. You were doing so well, I was trying to learn some tricks from you."

"I can teach you, if you want."

"That's really sweet of you to offer, Christopher. Thank you, I would love that."

"Guess what, buddy?" Eddie comes closer to the two of them, "Buck here was helping me all day and we made you tamales, so you can have a few once we're home." The way his son beams at that would be worth slaving away in the kitchen for even longer than they did. "Do you have any homework assignments?"

"Only from science class. Dad, can Buck come eat the tamales with us?"

"Yes," Eddie replies slowly, "if you both want that."

"He helped make them, he should help eat them," it's so clear cut, the way his son says it.

Buck chuckles. "I can't argue with your logic, little man. Count me in."

"And then we can watch a movie together," Christopher adds.

"Only after you're done with your homework."

"Hey," Buck interjects, "you said science class, right? I was terrible with math, but I was pretty good with science, maybe we can do it together."

"That sounds great," Eddie agrees, "it will give me time to clean all the mess Buck and I left when we were making the tamales." He begins leading the way to the truck. He opens the back door for Chris and helps him climb in. Buck's already sitting inside when Eddie gets in, fastens his seat belt and drives them all home.

* * *

The tamales went down as a great success, probably in part thanks to the animated conversation between Buck and Christopher throughout the meal. They were feeding off of each other's enthusiasm. Eddie watched with amusement and fondness as his son recounted the events of the day at school and drew delight from Buck's naturally expressive face and sincerely interested reactions. Chris could obviously tell he was being listened to and truly heard. Eddie suspected after this, eating a meal with just him would be a far less exciting event for his kid.

"Come on," he offered playfully as another random contribution in the middle of their excited chatter, "your math teacher is not that bad."

"He smells funny, Dad," Chris practically rolled his eyes in response. "And when he thinks we don't see him? He sniffs the whiteboard markers." His comments were somehow both cheeky and adorable, so even if it wasn't exactly the right thing to do, both men laughed.

"Speaking of smelling funny, I bet your teacher couldn't have possibly smelled worse than this guy they called us to help..." Buck started.

Eddie interrupted. "Oh, are you talking about the guy in the garbage truck?"

"The what?" Chris asked, surprised.

Buck leaned in closer to him. "So this guy, he's a student at UCLA and he had this term paper that he had to hand in, only he kept postponing doing it..."

"You have to mention, he said it was a really important paper, he could flunk the entire course if he didn't do well."

"Exactly, but because he didn't start working on it in time, he only had one last night to write the whole thing. He stayed up all night," There's a quick pang of guilt that goes right through Eddie's heart as he watches Chris drinking up Buck's story with fascination, "and he managed to complete the paper. Except you know what? He was so tired, because he didn't sleep at all, that when he went to take out the trash, he didn't realize that he actually also threw out the USB stick he saved his paper on..."

"See? This is why I tell you to do your chores on time."

"But then he figured it out?" Christopher elegantly ignored his dad.

Buck laughed. "Oh, he noticed what he did alright. He ran back out to the street just in time to see the garbage truck pulling away. He started chasing after it and as soon as it stopped, he took the opportunity, climbed onto the roof of the truck and he jumped right in."

"See, he wasn't thinking and didn't check first how he was going to get out. The garbage truck only has a rooftop opening, so once he was inside, that was it. He couldn't climb out."

"The poor guy freaked out and started banging on the walls, but the driver couldn't even hear him. A few people who were passing by on the street waved to him and when he rolled down his window, he heard the knocks."

"And then he called 911?"

"Yep," Buck's smiling from ear to ear. "You can't believe how bad it smelled. We obviously had to go in, but nobody wanted to actually do it. I bet," he says conspiratorially, "that you can guess who finally climbed in and saved that student."

"Dad?"

"Exactly," he confirmed, his tone changing from the amusement it held before. "Because you're right, Chris. Your father's a hero."

Eddie felt himself blushing. "Don't listen to him, mijo, he's trying to distract from stories about all the people he saved on the job, so he doesn't end up being the one embarrassed. Do you want to hear about that time Buck saved a little girl who was trapped in a toy box," he slowed down and stretched out the next couple of words, "inside a burning house?"

"What?" Christopher gaped at this, "Yes!"

And Eddie watched with satisfaction as it was Buck's turn to turn red. "So, it was actually the neighbor who called this one in..."

After they finished eating, they split up for their respective tasks, Chris and Buck moved to the table in the living room while Eddie took their plates and glasses to the sink. He listens from the kitchen as science homework talk is continuously mixed up with chatter about school, teachers and friends.

He thinks about the set of keys that he left inside the front door's keyhole. It's an old habit Eddie developed when Shannon first showed signs of wanting back in their lives and he worried she might show up unannounced with one of his relatives who had access to the house, getting them to let her in before he and their son were ready for it. He's never managed to shake this habit off completely, but today he didn't even try. He had been so scared of how rough the day was going to be on them. He couldn't be happier to have been proven wrong.

He finishes doing the dishes and cleaning the kitchen, which allows him to drop down on the living room couch. Chris is on the floor, as he often is when he does his homework here instead of at the desk in his bedroom, that's to be expected. What isn't for Eddie is finding Buck down there, too. Or maybe it makes perfect sense for the kind of guy he is, it's hard to decide.

"I think the solution," Christopher places his finger on something found on the page he has open and trails it as he speaks, "is a triangle. See? The man's eyes, the coast, the top of the lighthouse. Triangle."

"And then you can solve it using the sum of its angles. Nice," Buck sounds genuinely impressed.

"Is he a genius or is he a genius?" Eddie can't help gloating.

"He's definitely a genius. Do you know how creative he is in finding elegant solutions?"

"That was the last one," Chris pays them no mind. "It's time for the movie, Dad."

"Alright," Eddie leans forward, "which one do you want to watch?"

"Hmmm. Frozen?"

"Frozen it is," he rises from the couch, finds the DVD and puts the movie on. He returns to the couch, only to disapprovingly note that Chris has remained where he was seated. "Buddy, you can't stay down there," he says, "the floor is too hard, you'll be in pain in no time. It's cold, too. I don't want you to be sick."

"But Dad..."

They've had this argument before. Eddie will never understand what is so much more appealing about watching a film from the floor than from the comfort of a couch. "No buts, you can't stay there, I'm sorry."

"Hey," Buck interrupts the familiar course this is taking, "what if I stay on the floor and Christopher sits on me?"

"Yes!" Chris' jovial acceptance bursts out.

"If it's okay with your dad?" Buck looks up at him, questioningly.

"Are you sure? It can't be too comfortable for you."

The question on Buck's face melts away into a smile aimed solely at Eddie. "I'm a big boy, so no worries. I've got big boy muscles for this," he throws in a wink. He gently picks up and then settles down Chris into his lap, leaning back against the couch, next to where Eddie's leg is.

Almost two hours and several songs later, one of which Buck and Christopher both belted out along with the film while Eddie might have hummed a few notes, the movie is over, but its magic is not quite gone yet. They leave the end titles to scroll to the very last second.

"Thank you, Chris," Buck says when the screen goes completely black, "that was a really good choice of movie."

Eddie is the first one to get out of his seat, crossing from the couch to the television in order to take out the DVD and put it back in its casing. Chris rises to his feet and Buck stretches awkwardly on the floor, grabbing his shoulder with one hand and squeezing down on it.

"Are you hurt?" Eddie asks.

"It's alright," Buck responds, slowly getting to his feet, shuffling his limbs around while he does so and obviously experiencing some discomfort not in his shoulder alone, but all over. "Man, I forgot how long that film actually is."

"Will you be alright on the drive home?"

"He shouldn't go," Chris chimes in, determinedly. "He should stay here."

"Oh, hey," Eddie starts, "we can't..."

"No!" his son cuts him off in a manner that's so entirely uncharacteristic and distraught, "Mom isn't here. Don't make Buck go away, too."

Since their talk outside Abuela's house on the previous day, Christopher had said practically nothing about his mom being gone and that means Eddie didn't see this coming right then. He blinks at it, still unsure of how to react, when the darkened TV screen captures his attention. Of course, he should have made the connection. Frozen. Two little girls who lost their parents. The pang of guilt strikes again, sharper, sinking deeper into his heart. His son has been through this before and it went so horribly wrong the last time Shannon needed some time. He has no real guarantee that this won't end in much the same way and his sleepless night is bound to be a signal of his unexpressed distress. But then Buck was here this afternoon, someone Chris had called a hero. Someone who gave him undivided attention and care throughout their day together. That must have been incredibly comforting for his son, more than Eddie grasped until this very instant. And they had a lot of fun together, today even ended up holding a familial sense to it. When was the last time that Christopher got to experience that? He's grown up with years of parental absence and tension. No wonder he's latching onto Buck. 

Eddie flashes back to the first few months after Shannon had previously left, all the different ways he tried to make that situation easier, he rushes through them mentally, sorting out which ones worked and which didn't. In light of last night's insomnia, he settles on one idea and leans down, placing his hand lovingly on his son's cheek.

"Chris, remember when," he looks for a delicate way to put it, "when Mom was away to take care of Grandma, how you used to come sleep next to me in the big bed? Would you like us to do that today?"

His suggestion appears to soften something for Christopher, even if he hasn't calmed down. "Can Buck join us?" he asks. "He can snuggle in, too."

"You mean, you want to sleep next to both of us?" Eddie checks and gets a confirmation nod. He raises his head, confused and lost. He has no right to ask for anything and this is a lot to be asking, but he's so desperate to make it better for his kid that he suspects he's coming across as downright pleading, much as he shouldn't be. He turns to Buck, whose face is guarded and who shakes his head in reluctance, almost imperceptibly. Why wouldn't he refuse after everything Eddie had divulged that morning? Only at this point, it would be like a lifeline, if somehow Buck's refusal turned into acceptance. Eddie searches for a way to ask for the help with his son that he so badly needs, his lips have parted but no sound comes out. 

He's close to choking on his own failure and the tears that block his throat, when there's a shift in Buck's expression and suddenly, he's saying, "If you want me to, Chris? Of course I will." He raises an open palm for a high five. It lands quickly enough.

Eddie nods in gratitude. He swallows and once he can, he addresses his son, "Alright, but now that you got your way, I expect you to set a new world record, getting ready for bed," he picks up Christopher's crutches and hands them over to him.

"Watch me," Chris exclaims and the boastfulness of it is so joyful, Eddie's hit by an even more overpowering wave of thankfulness.

He straightens up and faces Buck, torn between what he needs for Christopher and the out that his gut is telling him he should offer Buck. Even in terms of going to sleep now. His son has lost so much sleep that he has to make up for and that means they'll all be turning in early. It's another sacrifice Eddie doesn't mind making, but it is quite a bit to be asking for. On the other hand, what will he do if Buck changes his mind? "I appreciate this. A lot. But if you prefer not to, I don't want..." he can't finish the sentence. 

"Hey," Buck says gently. "I'm not exactly sure either, but... I meant what I said to Chris. If he needs me here, if... both of you, then I'm staying."

Eddie's somewhere between relieved and ashamed, but he'll take it. Anything is better than letting Chris down once more. Then he remembers to ask, "What about your free time tomorrow, don't you have any plans?"

"Nah, I didn't feel like making any after Maddie canceled on me. Hey, you wouldn't have a spare toothbrush I could use?"

"Yeah, let me go check, but I should have one. I'll grab you a towel and maybe a pair of boxer briefs and a t-shirt to sleep in while I'm at it?"

Buck smiles and it's thinner than the usual. "Thanks."

Eddie gets him everything they agreed on, shows him where the bathroom is and leaves him to prepare for bed as he goes to check in on Chris doing the same. Once he's reassured his son doesn't require his help, he goes about his own preparations, setting his alarm for the next day, followed by changing out of his day clothes and brushing his teeth. When he steps out of the bathroom and finds them, chatting away as they're waiting for him by the main bedroom's door, his breath catches in his throat. Buck's musculature is stretching the borrowed t-shirt in a way that's far too tantalizing. It's awakening something feral in Eddie, especially when he recalls how Buck so easily moved his sauce covered finger earlier between their mouths. It's far too inappropriate a course of thought for Eddie when Christopher is right there and he quickly averts his attention away. 

"Ready for sleep?" He asks his son.

"Yes!" Chris cheers and reaches his arms up to be carried to bed. He may be too grown for this now, but that's how they used to do it when Shannon first left and Eddie doesn't have the heart to say no to his boy regarding anything. He has probably been getting away with far too many things today and at some point, Eddie will have to put an end to it. But not yet. Not when everything is so fragile between his fingers. He leans down, so Christopher can close an embrace around his neck. When he rises again, his son is held tightly in his arms. He walks over like that to the king-sized bed, laying himself down on his side with his kid snuggled in tight to his chest, occupying the middle. He turns to the doorway as Chris calls out, "Buck?"

For a man who is physically that big and strong, who comes across as sometimes unnervingly confident, Buck appears to be having a moment of touching shyness, almost ridiculously unjustified when he's been invited over. Maybe he's still reluctant after all. But then he clearly catches Christopher's expectant expression directed at him and it seems to make everything else be shed away. He approaches the bed from its opposite side and slowly lies down on it as well, sandwiching Chris between two bigger bodies, like a safety blanket. He reaches out and places his arm over both father and son.

"Good night, Dad, Bucky," Chris ends with a tiny, happy sigh, his body easily molding itself to being safely tucked between them.

"Night," Eddie replies, his eyes shifting up from his son, who's already begun drifting off to sleep, to Buck. They wordlessly hold each other's gaze for a long time.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to [Lytndyt](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lytndyt/pseuds/Lytndyt) who pointed out the inclusion of Frozen in her reply to chapter 10 and made my heart melt a little. Hope you enjoy this!
> 
> All feedback welcome! 
> 
> Fell free to yell at me, drop me questions or send me a prompt on [my Tumblr](https://matan4il.tumblr.com/).

Eddie wakes up first, his dad bio clock kicking in before the alarm he had set the previous night even has the chance to go off. He gently coos Christopher out of sleep and helps him get ready for school. He leaves Buck a note on the pillow, telling him that Eddie didn't want to wake him and if he's hungry, he can help himself to all of the food they unpacked the day before.

By the time Eddie has dropped Chris off and is back home, he finds Buck in the kitchen, preparing something in a big pan. He's in the same underwear and t-shirt he'd slept in and Eddie doesn't think twice before he slips in from behind, hugging him almost as tight as the cloth does and leaving a peck on the short hairs at the back of his neck. It reminds Eddie of their first run on the training track and how he had looked at the same nape, not recognizing at the time how much he really longed to touch it or why. He parts his lips to suck against Buck's skin there, delighting in his sharp gasp and the way it intermingles with a chuckle.

"Eddie, I'm going to burn our omelette if you don't stop."

"Let it. I'm not that hungry anyway." Eddie won't let himself be dissuaded from peppering more kisses, traveling up and down the nape, going back and forth between the top of Buck's shoulders and the delicate patch behind his ear.

"Maybe not for food... What's gotten into you?"

Eddie pauses before he tightens his hold against Buck's chest, spreading out his fingers and pressing the two of them closer together. "Yesterday could have been so much worse if it hadn't been for you." He pushes the top of the t-shirt Buck's wearing down with his chin and kisses his sincerity into the exposed skin there. "Thank you."

The murmured response is so quiet, he almost misses it. "You don't have to repay me for that."

He huffs out at that. "If you think I'm kissing you out of some sort of, what? A misguided sense of obligation? You've not been paying attention for the last few weeks..."

Eddie emphasizes his point by allowing his hands to roam downwards, seeking the border between shirt and underwear. When they get there, his left feels its way up against Buck's stomach and he cherishes the tiny twitches his touch elicits, while his right ventures down in search for more. Eddie keeps his nose pressed close, deeply inhaling the smell of Buck's back and shoulder. He kisses and licks them in time with his ministrations and with a few soft sighs that break away from both of them when he's abruptly pushed off.

"Seriously," Buck's tone conveys annoyance, while the little quiver in his voice gives away his efforts to pull himself together, "if you won't let me finish cooking, at least let me turn off the stoves before you start humping me. What sort of a firefighter are you?"

"A determined one," Eddie replies without a shred of repentance.

"More like an impatient one. Well, Mr. Determined, the omelette is almost done anyway, are you sure you're not hungry?" The truth is that he is, he hadn't bothered grabbing much to eat before he left the house and now that Buck's scent isn't blocking out everything else, the smell of breakfast is good enough to make his stomach grumble in response. "Okay," Buck laughs, "I'll take that as a yes."

They start setting the table together, adding whatever Eddie has in his kitchen that can be served together with the omelette, including vegetables, hummus, bread, orange juice and several types of cheese. As soon as the bread is on the table, Buck's ripping into it, tearing small lumps out of the loaf with his fingers and stuffing them into his mouth.

"Oh, who's the impatient one now?" Eddie frowns.

"It's carbs, Eds," Buck says, as if this declaration was self-evident and would put an end to all questions. He's never used that nickname before and Eddie wonders where it came from. It's... well, it's cute. He finds that, oddly enough, he doesn't mind.

They're not having a huge breakfast, at least not compared to the ones Bobby cooks for the 118 back at the station. They manage to consume all of it in almost the blink of an eye, though it proves to be satisfying nevertheless. The amount of times Buck abandons his fork in favor of his hand and instead ends up licking food off it is ridiculous and Eddie's torn between rolling his eyes at him and enjoying the show.

"Stay," he blurts out, unplanned.

"What?" Buck stops, frozen in place.

"Stay here with us for a while," Eddie elaborates. He might not have intended to throw out this idea, but now that he has, he's confident it's the right thing to do. "You saw Christopher yesterday, how much you being here cheered him up. It will do him a world of good if you stay with us until Shannon is back."

Buck frowns. "I'm..." Everything about him is the picture of discomfort. He sounds closed off and so is his expression. He observes the plate before him like it held the answer to life's mysteries rather than some traces of hummus and a few bread crumbs he isn't done picking off it.

"Please?"

"Eddie," he looks up from the plate, his frown etched onto his face maybe even deeper than before. "You can't really be asking that."

"Why not?"

He shoves the plate away from him and leans back in his chair, crossing his arms over his chest. His expression is that of a man trying to figure out if he's being toyed with. "You can't be serious," he repeats, shaking his head. "You don't know when your wife is coming back. What if I agree and Shannon returns right in time to find you with my dick in your mouth?"

Eddie sometimes hates how blunt Buck can be, especially when he has a point. There's also a disorienting effect to hearing him mention Shannon's name with something that's verging on anger. It isn't making this any easier. But Eddie refuses to be thrown off balance or to have his confidence shaken. He takes a deep breath, raising his eyebrows as he contemplates aloud why he doesn't think this will be a problem. "She said that she'll contact me when she's ready. It's going to take her time and she was very clear on not wanting me to get in touch before that. So she'll have to send me some sort of message and that means, she won't surprise us. Besides," he turns to point to his set of keys in the door, "I've done this dance of keeping Shannon from springing herself on Chris and me before."

"That's right, he's a part of this as well. You don't think he's going to tell his Mom about this?"

He considers this. "Okay, maybe I'd prefer her not to hear about this," as well as Abuela, Pepa, his parents back in Texas... though they'll at least not learn about this until after Shannon returns, "but you've already stayed the night, that ship has sailed. It won't be fun, but I'll explain that you came to visit as a concerned colleague, that Chris wanted you here and you were super kind to agree. It's not untrue, right?" Buck's mouth is still a solid line of dissatisfaction and there's very little Eddie wouldn't give to be able to simply kiss that away.

"After..." another unhappy headshake, "after everything you told me yesterday... about having to fix whatever's wrong with her when she's back, about divorce not being an option, for Christopher's sake. Which I get, Eddie. I do. I love kids and I love that there's nothing you wouldn't do to protect yours. But how can you say all those things, how can you mean them and then invite me here like that?"

He pushes against the dread filling him, scans the room for the answer. He's acutely aware of their conversation the day before and nothing's changed. Not the array of facts, definitely not the bottom line. Except, something in him has. In how he feels and what he thinks they should do next. "Yeah," he says quietly, nodding. Then, more firmly, "Exactly because I meant everything that I said. Shannon will come back. And I'll do whatever I can to fix my marriage. I have to. So the two of us, I don't know how we can continue then. You understood that, didn't you? That Chris has to be my priority. But before you, Buck, I never..." he struggles to make it come out, to put his thoughts and feelings into words, "it's been years since Shannon and I were happy, but despite what she imagines, I have never... I didn't even entertain the thought of straying. Stopping this, it won't be easy. So before I have to, I think... we can have this time together," he tentatively leans forward and reaches out. When Buck doesn't flinch away, Eddie holds the side of his face and strokes a thumb along his jaw, "we can enjoy this, all of it... before it's gone."

Buck grabs his wrist, pushes a thumb against the pulse point there as he closes his eyes. Eddie comes closer and presses their foreheads together, mirroring the way that they were in the club. "Please stay."

He doesn't know how long they remain like that, until he moves away at an almost glacial pace, hating breaking off contact. He goes over to the chest of drawers by the main door, opens the top one and takes out the spare key to the house. Walking back to the dining table, Buck's gaze has been following him. Eddie sits back down next to him and places the key in front of him. "To the house. For as long as..." he fumbles, "If you..."

Buck doesn't let him finish, taking the key, grabbing Eddie by the back of his head and kissing him intensely.

* * *

Given how unexpected his overnight stay was, Buck didn't have anything with him, so when he agreed to remain there, that was the first thing he pointed out as he was putting on a pair of sweatpants, also on loan. "I don't even have a change of clothes, I can't keep borrowing yours every day that I'm here."

"Shame. You look good in them."

"Oh yeah, you like what you see?" He cocked one eyebrow up suggestively, but when Eddie tried to pull him in, Buck gently pushed them apart. "I have to go now. The sooner I do, the sooner I'll get back. I think I'll be here before it's time for you to go pick Christopher up." He placed the spare key in his wallet, collected his dirty clothes and they said goodbye by the door with a kiss that was almost chaste.

As soon as Buck has left, Eddie makes the most out of being on his own. House chores are first on his list. His head is a weird whirlpool of indefinable emotions, crawling hot and cold under his skin, so he busies himself with washing the dishes and next, the floors. It's mindless work, which suits him perfectly. There's an itch that he refuses to scratch until he's done and only then does he check his watch. It's been a little over two and a half hours since Buck's departure and Eddie doesn't like his own unquiet mood. Nothing justifies that. He moves on to his next task.

Buck suggested taking Christopher to the park for a picnic and Eddie agreed. The house is full of his son's preferred snacks, but he still decides to go over to the neighborhood grocery store, pick up on a few that he knows Buck likes. Not that there's any hardship there, the man will eat just about anything, but he has favorites, too. Chocolate cream cookies, for example, may be nothing but a sugar bomb, but his eyes light up whenever they have them at the station. It's not a massive buy and the shop isn't too far from home, but Eddie is making an effort to choose the best brands, here and there he has to make an educated guess, plus the line for the cashier progresses slowly, so this ends up another hour of his day. 

As soon as he's back in his kitchen, he starts preparing a picnic basket for them. Not that they have an actual basket, but they do own an insulated lunchbox and that'll do. He makes a few sandwiches, a couple with cheese and some vegetables, then a few more with sliced salami, all wrapped up neatly for the healthier portion of the picnic. He adds in napkins, juice boxes for Chris, a couple of beers for them and those favorite snacks, candies and treats that he got over the last couple of days. He checks his watch when he's done. Roughly forty minutes, since it took him a while to find everything he needed and to figure out a way for the beers put in the lunchbox not to roll around and squash the sandwiches. He could swear time is moving slower. 

He enters Christopher's room to collect his son's dirty laundry from all the spots where it should and shouldn't be. Once it's all gathered, he takes it, crosses the kitchen and loads it into the washing machine. The clothes don't fill it up and Eddie can judge by eye that he has enough room left for a set of bed sheets. Good, he knows exactly which ones he wants to change. He heads for the master bedroom. He strips the bed of its current linens and carries them to be added in. Shannon may not be here right now, but it wouldn't be right for the two of them to fuck on her sheets. In a sense, Eddie's aware that what he's doing is pointless. Where they screw doesn't matter after a certain point and for Shannon, he probably crossed that line the first time he let Buck jerk her husband off in the woods. He failed to stop it from happening then for her sake, he can at least respect her now, in this manner.

He turns the washing machine on and goes looking through the master bedroom's closet. Somewhere in there, shoved deep inside for lack of use, are the bed sheets that Abuela had given him as her own wedding gift, apart from the traditional ones. "I sewed sheets with this exact pattern for myself and Abuelo before we got married, Eddito. And I made your parents another set just like it for their wedding. I couldn't not make these for you, too. Felicidades, mi amor!" He had ignored lingering doubts of what should or shouldn't be, had taken her present and had reciprocated her cheek kiss.

He finds Abuela's bed sheets still air sealed in the plastic vacuum bag that Shannon produced for them. She never admitted it, but he could safely assume that she didn't like them by the constant string of deflections and excuses she made to avoid using them. Maybe he'll never find out why, but he'll get to use them at least once. He opens the transparent bag and pulls these linens out, examines them closely. The cover sheets are white with white flowers embroidered all over them save for one line that runs along the bottom, where the threads the flowers are stitched from transform into different shades of blue. He runs his fingers along the lines as he imagines his Abuela making them, her own skillful digits moving in short, sure movements. A labor of love.

He sets the bed with her gift while singing one of the songs in Spanish that he used to hear Abuela humming when she was working around the house. If it also stops him from attempting to estimate the passage of time in his head, he's not complaining. It helps until he's done with the covers. He's on auto pilot when he looks at his watch. Not even half an hour has passed since he last checked.

His nervousness is beginning to take a more defined shape in his mind. It buzzes around in there with the question - how long does it take to pack things up for a stayover like this? It's not like their house is in the middle of the wilderness. If Buck forgets anything, they could always go get it from his apartment, he could borrow it from Eddie or, if push comes to shove, they could buy it. There's only so much packing one can do and even accounting for traffic perhaps being bad, Buck should have been back already.

There had been no sound from Eddie's cell phone to announce an incoming text message the whole morning, but he still scrolls quickly through the ones he has. Ever since the itching had started building up, he's been wanting to. Unsurprisingly, it results in nothing. He feels the echoes of nausea. His thumb hovers over the phone's touchscreen keyboard, but he stops himself from typing anything. It takes more effort than it should.

That distant morning, when Chris woke him up to tell him that Shannon had left, springs out of his repressed memories and slams into him with the force of the paralyzing helplessness that took over him when he read her parting message. The following days return to him, the ones that turned into weeks and then months of anticipation, of attempting to reassure himself it would be fine, because Shannon said she needed some time and once she'd had it, she'd be back. Months of making an effort to give her the space she required, not crowd her, trust that she wouldn't really abandon them. Eddie held on against the doubts and fears for months and then had to deal with the crushing understanding that he was wrong all along, that he should probably have let go much earlier. 

Serves him right, with his inability to learn from his past mistakes, that this is all playing out again, a second round of Fate's joke at his expense.

Buck said he'd return, but he pulled away from Eddie's arms, insisted on leaving as quickly as possible and there's been no sign of him since.

Ramon and Helena Diaz's whispers increase in his head, years of insinuations and put downs, mixed with Shannon's silence and her face, burning holes into him silently with all the promises he'd failed to live up to. Eddie had a few more things to do around the house, but he can't recall them. He turns on the television and slumps onto the couch in front of it, turns up the volume to drown everything else out.

He only realizes he'd sunk into a trance when the doorbell snaps him out of it. He clicks the remote control to turn off his TV, wants to get up, but his legs are like stones, weighing him down, too heavy to move. His stomach is in knots.

The doorbell rings again, forcing him up. He approaches the entrance and pauses, holding in his breath. The trepidation is killing him. After all, it could be just a neighbor popping by, it could be an unexpected delivery from his parents, they've sent Christopher toys like this before, or even a random salesperson or donations collector, those don't come by often, but it does happen. Hell, it could even be Shannon, forced to ring the bell due to the key jamming the door on the outside. He reminds himself of every possibility in an effort to curtail his hope.

He comes closer and peeks through the peephole. And it's Buck, looming on the other side, duffel bag in hand, his large frame practically blocking out the view. Some of the tension leaves Eddie's body, but not all of it. Waiting like this has left him in need of something, maybe reassurance, that he can't really define, let alone ask for. Worst of all, even if he could, that sort of neediness would probably only serve to drive Buck away.

He turns the key and after it, the handle. Once the door is open, he steps out of the way to allow Buck in. Eddie keeps his head half-way bowed, avoiding eye contact.

"Hi," Buck says softly.

Eddie's eyes snap up. He suddenly notices something and has to inquire, "you're still wearing my clothes?"

"Oh, sorry, I meant to change out of them, but my sister called me. There's this woman that she came across, one of the neighbors. Maddie thinks she may be in an abusive relationship. She was upset and needed to talk, it got kind of long. Once we were done, I just gathered stuff up and rushed over here. I didn't want to keep you waiting."

He exhales a little too loudly at that, obviously giving himself away, because the next thing he knows, Buck drops his bag and is grabbing the sides of his face, looking at him intently. "What, did you think...? Hey, I'm here. Okay? I said I would be and I'm here."

Eddie has no way of expressing the fear and the hurt that ripped right through him earlier, nor the relief which is currently washing them away, so he mirrors Buck, holds his face and kisses him instead.

They fall into each other so naturally, moving from innocent to stormy, that Eddie groans when he eventually pulls himself away. Buck doesn't open his eyes at first, instead he pushes his lips together, almost like he's trying to imprint the kiss onto them. 

"Maybe I should have just kept you here and naked while Chris is at school," Eddie jokingly suggests as he tugs at his shirt that's stretched out across Buck's chest. He checks his watch, for the first time that day without any apprehension, only curiosity to see how long they have before Christopher's school day is over. "I haven't shown you the shower yet, have I?" 

Without letting go of the shirt, he starts pulling Buck in the direction of the shower. They move together like a spring, Eddie takes a step, Buck catches up and they exchange short kisses, laughing into them, stumbling their way on. When they get to the bathroom, they begin to undress each other, their mouths breaking apart and reconnecting, lingering between items of clothing disposed of. When they're both naked, Eddie pulls them both in, turning the water on. They kiss leisurely and wetly under the stream, until he stops them in order to grab the shampoo, pouring some onto his palm. He reaches up, moves them out of the water jet and starts to lather Buck's hair. It's an angle Eddie's not used to, he's done this many for Christopher and having to suddenly do it for someone who is taller than himself is not particularly comfortable, but he enjoys running his fingers through the silky strands of hair anyway. 

Buck regards him with something that might be wonder or awe. He doesn't want to dwell on it, so he gives the other man a small nudge to step back into the water and let it rinse the foam out. He moves on to the soap and scrubs it along Buck's body, playing his fingers over skin and muscles. It's tingly in a pleasant way, yet sensual at the same time and the combined shampoo and soap flowery smell fills the small shower space. Eddie constantly gravitates lower, until he gets to Buck's flaccid cock. He takes it in his palm and holds still, just feeling its softness. It's so vulnerable in this state, a precious thing entrusted to him and Eddie likes that in a way he didn't expect. When he slowly starts moving his fist along the shaft, Buck grips him by the muscle tissue connecting his shoulder and neck, almost painfully.

"Eds, you shouldn't," his breathing is already hitched, "I'm gonna need you to finish if you do, but then I don't think we have enough time for me to bring you off."

Eddie smiles and kisses Buck's lips, moist and in a manner that has nothing to do with their taste at that moment, delicious. "We don't," he states. "This isn't about me. Buck, you've taken such good care of Christopher yesterday and you were here for him," he doesn't say 'for us', but he's talking about his son and that's basically the same thing, "so relax and let me take care of you now."


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to [Asickburn0ut](https://archiveofourown.org/users/asickburn0ut/pseuds/asickburn0ut) who had a few interesting predictions in the comments!
> 
> All feedback welcome! 
> 
> Feel free to yell at me, drop me questions or send me a prompt on [my Tumblr](https://matan4il.tumblr.com/).

"Alright, the woman over there next," Buck says and tilts his head in the direction of the lady he has mentioned.

"She's... a spy," Christopher responds.

"Oooh, nice. Who is she spying for?"

He reflects on the question briefly before he answers, "Could be the British?"

"Oh?" Eddie chimes in from where he's laid out on the picnic blanket they laid out on the park grass, "Why are the British spying here?"

"Mmmm. They still want the colonies."

"Of course they do," Buck agrees. "That handbag she's holding? She probably has a secret transmitter in there."

"It transmits in Morse," Chris adds.

"And every day she goes to a different park, because that's how she makes sure no one's onto her. She stays until it's late, till everyone's gone home and then she sends out her intel."

Eddie laughs. "You're good at this. Are you sure that you're not a spy yourself?"

Buck picks up the used napkin that was left on the ground, balls it up and in jest throws it at him. "Hey, I could surprise you and be British. I bet I'd sound good with that accent."

"I'm sure you will," Eddie grins at him mischievously and enjoys the color that flushes his face. "Speaking of it getting late, the sun is about to set and it will be colder soon, who's helping me with packing everything up?"

"Me!" Christopher declares instantly and raises his arm in the air. Not for the first time, Eddie wonders where his son gets this indestructible spirit from.

"And...?" He turns to Buck, expectantly.

"Nah, you have all the help you need."

"Get off yer bum, you git," Eddie makes a lame attempt at a British accent, picking up the balled up napkin and tossing it at Buck, who bursts into a chuckle that accompanies Chris'. The music of simple, pure joy.

They pack their things up, dispose of their litter in one of the park's garbage cans and load the lunchbox and picnic blanket onto the Jeep. On the way back, Chris decides to teach Buck a few songs he loves. Most are from school and a couple are from Abuela. In return, he's treated to several kids' songs Buck is familiar with.

"Alright, bedtime now," Eddie announces when they arrive home. It comes out on instinct, but then he reconsiders and places one hand on Christopher's shoulder, stooping down slightly. "Mijo, do you think you'll be alright sleeping in your room tonight?" His son regards him seriously before nodding his head and smiling. Eddie's gut tells him this is at least in part thanks to getting the news that Buck is staying with them for a while. Chris' happiness at that was obvious. "Good. Off you go, you have to prepare for bed." 

Once it's just the two of them, Eddie gestures vaguely at the neglected duffel bag. "We should probably get that out of the way, right?" After their interlude in the shower earlier, Buck only had enough time to grab out the clothes that he's currently wearing and left the bag where he dropped it by the entrance. 

"Yeah, thanks," Buck grabs the bag and Eddie leads the path to the bedroom. 

At the door, he enters and moves to stand by his side of the bed, turning on the small lamp there and giving the other man more space to head for the other end, closing the door behind him. Eddie scratches his own nape nervously. "Sorry I can't offer you a drawer or anything."

"It's fine," Buck replies, bending down to drop the bag on the floor by the bed. As he does, he catches sight of the bed spread and closes in, running his hands along the threadwork. "Handmade?" he inquires.

"Yep. How did you know?"

"Educated guess, this doesn't look like it's store bought. And it's beautiful," his fingers reach the flowers and track their vines, "someone put a lot of care into this."

"My Abuela." 

Buck looks up at him. "Your Abuela did amazingly well."

Eddie can't add anything more for fear that his voice will betray him, if it hasn't already. He clears his throat and flees to the practical. "Do you want me to..." The night before, they had changed out of their clothes separately and for whatever reason, Eddie is compelled to offer the same arrangement now, only while he's in the middle of swinging his arm in the direction of the door, Buck is already taking off his shirt. For as many times as they had undressed in front of each other, as acquainted as they had gotten with each other's bodies, this is different. In this room, within this circle of tender, intimate light, knowing they will soon climb together into the bed covered by Abuela's sheets and while Chris sleeps not too far from them, comforted by the presence of them both in the house. 

"Do I want you to hurry up and change out of those clothes so we can go say goodnight to Christopher? I do. Don't you?"

Eddie swallows discreetly before replying, "I do."

They finish undressing and afterwards, putting on their clothes for the night, constantly stealing glances and shooting grins at each other. 

When they're done, Eddie walks over to the door and, with his palm on the handle, he clears his throat. "Chris is..."

"Waiting, yeah."

He walks out and Buck falls into step behind him. 

They find Christopher still in the bathroom, but almost done preparing for sleep and he proudly flashes them his teeth to show off he'd brushed them. Eddie is about to pretend to be blinded by the whiteness, when Buck mimics a photographer snapping pictures.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new rock star!" he proclaims.

Chris laughs at that, unsurprisingly. Eddie smiles as well, before he adds, "Alright, bud. Now we go to sleep."

"Can I have a bedtime story?"

"Yes, but no more than one." He looks over to Buck. "You don't have to come," he offers.

"What, and miss all the fun?" And by now, it's not hard to believe he means it, as he winks conspiratorially at Christopher, who giggles in return. 

Once Eddie has his son tucked in, he picks out the book Chris has chosen for tonight and takes a seat on the bed's edge, mindful he's not crushing anything by mistake, while signaling to Buck to come sit by him. It's a simple enough adventure story, but with two of them there, doing the voices, it's a lot more lively and funny than it usually is.

"We good?" Eddie asks, closing the book and leaning over his son. Chris nods and opens up his arms for an embrace. He gets a big one, as well as a kiss on the top of his head. Eddie is never going to be over how amazing his boy is. "If you need anything during the night...?"

"I know, Dad." Christopher pats the side of his face in that reassuring way they adopted for each other during Shannon's missing years. Eddie smiles at it. As soon as he moves aside, his son turns to Buck. "Can I have another hug?" 

The question is so quiet, it's like Chris is scared to hope that he would get one, despite everything these two have done together in the last couple of days. That breaks Eddie's heart. He and Shannon, they did this to their son, that a kid as lovable as him would have this fear. Judging by the expression on Buck's face, the underlying meaning is not lost on him either.

"I would love that!" he fires out right away and comes nearer. He spreads his big arms and waits for Chris to settle himself into them comfortably before carefully enveloping him in an embrace. "Good night, little man," he adds softly when he's let go of.

"Good night," Eddie echoes and feels a compulsion to leave an additional kiss on Christopher's head and to playfully ruffle his hair.

"Night," Chris replies as he sinks contentedly into the covers.

Eddie switches off the light, closes the door and they walk silently together to the bathroom, to brush their teeth side by side. He's got no conversation left in him, too drained from the ups and downs of the day. Even more than that, he's filled with worry about his son and since there's not much he can do about it just then, he wholly wishes for sleep to grant him a temporary respite from that.

When they're done and move to the bedroom, Eddie turns the bedside lamp on, just long enough for them to get in between Abuela's linens. Once darkness drowns everything out again, they find each other underneath the covers. As wide as the bed is, they're lying on their sides in the middle and clinging together, Eddie's hands slipping around Buck's waist, who mirrors it.

"Sorry, I'm not..." Eddie's not entirely sure how to put this, but he's not up for sex after the day he's had and he doesn't want to make any false promises through body language.

"No, it's okay," Buck assures him, "get some rest." And with that, he stretches without breaking their hold and places a string of three pecks, first on Eddie's lips, next on the tip of his nose and lastly, on his forehead.

Eddie sighs and tucks his head in just under Buck's chin, lets go of the day and its weight against his chest.

* * *

The traffic on the way to Christopher's school and back isn't too heavy, but Eddie's surprised nonetheless to find Buck still in bed when he gets back. Not that it's a bad thing. Waking up that morning in each other's arms, not quite in the same position they fell asleep in, but still mutually wrapped up, was a gift, starting his day with a bliss he didn't dare hope for given the mood he was in as his consciousness was slipping away the night before. 

Eddie would have chased that happiness longer, done more to explore that physical entanglement, if it weren't a school day. But he couldn't shake the want off and it's been on his mind the whole way. So getting to push his shoes off his feet and crawl back into bed is perfect right now. 

Buck has flipped over onto his belly in his sleep while he had the bed all to himself and Eddie, well. Eddie's been craving, so he savors the sight for a brief second, then he trails his fingers along the expanses of muscle, up the tender side of the neck, runs them over fresh morning stubble. He caresses the alluring skin of the cheek Buck doesn't have pressed against the pillow and watches his dreaming face. Eddie remains like that for a short while, completely content.

"Mmm, that feels nice," sleepiness is evident in Buck's voice, but he's awake and that's good enough of a reason to add in kisses, alternating them with the ongoing caresses. Eddie sears his fingers and lips' touch into Buck's neck, along the line of his jaw, on his cheek, anywhere that can be reached in this position. There's no way around it, Eddie's downright giddy with this and could continue just like that for hours on end. He doesn't see it coming when Buck half turns to him and hungrily captures his mouth. Not that there's any room for complaint when he becomes instantly lost in it. Whenever they're like this, it's as if nothing could possibly be wrong and Eddie reaches out his hand to hold on to the side of Buck's face to make this deeper. To make it last.

There's no way to keep track of time like this, but then there's no need for that, either. Eddie moves his hand from Buck's face into his hair, using it to pull him off, force his head back, exposing the full column of his neck. There's so much tantalizing skin there that Eddie's dying to mark it without holding back, his lips and teeth ravage every spot there, unrestrained.

He only stops to take off his shirt and that's when Buck turns over onto his back, more alert. Good, Eddie's intentions for him will require all of his attention, which he's probably on board with if how he licks his own lips and follows that with a show of a bite to the lower one is anything to go by.

Shirt off, underwear and pants out of the way, Eddie crowds back in and proceeds to draw Buck up into an upright position in order to unhurriedly undress him as well. They hold onto each other and kiss necks and mouths and chests, no specific goal, just enjoying the taste and feel of it, as Eddie tugs at the shirt Buck is still wearing, separating them. He slowly begins to push it up. It's a process, he's in no rush and they barely part through it. They're like two magnets, they can be pushed apart for a second, but as soon as possible, they gravitate back to each other, searching to be clasped together. Eventually, the shirt reaches the point where it's riding too high and is getting in their way. Buck raises his arms over his head and waits for it to be gone. Eddie doesn't get rid of it just yet, instead he pushes it further up and stops, admiring the way in which when it covers Buck's arms and the top of his face, it leaves the bottom half exposed and captures his lips, parted and panting, seeking through the air to be kissed again. Eddie does exactly that. He pours every happy second from the last couple of days into it, every bit of his gratitude and his sense of elation over having the opportunity to experience even more of this. 

When he eventually pulls the shirt off Buck completely and throws it onto the bag by the side of the bed, Eddie progresses to his biggest site of interest. He's been dying to check for a morning erection ever since he came back home and walked into the room to find Buck sleeping. Eddie cups him through the briefs and isn't disappointed, but that's not the main question. "Did you wake up like this?"

"Nope," Buck answers, his smile lopsided and suggestive.

"Jesus," Eddie swears, because this man might very well be the death of him.

"Well, aren't you going to give me a repeat of the shower?" Buck's voice is teasing while he presses down to add pressure where their hands are now overlaid on top of his own briefs, his tongue darting out to lick between his lips.

"No," Eddie drawls out to make the refusal as similar to a promise as he can, he doesn't want it to sound harsh. It's a spontaneous decision for him, but it hits right. "I'm not going anywhere near your dick. I'll make you come untouched." He pulls his hand away from the briefs and cradles Buck's face in his palms. The expression there is that of someone shaken to the core and in awe. Eddie is desperate to memorize and treasure it. Even during his best times with Shannon, he had never been too creative in bed. Attentive yes, he definitely tried to be that, but he had never allowed himself to pursue whatever whim overtook him. What a contrast that is to this thing he has with Buck, who somehow enables this freedom and who reacts to it like it's the sexiest thing ever, only making Eddie want to engage in it more.

Buck may not speak as a reply, but he comes steadily closer until his lips flutter against Eddie's, before they open up and fall into each other. It's a form of consent and approval and a rush of blood overflowing through the center of the world.

Eddie gradually pushes against this man’s mouth, guiding him to lay back down. Buck’s body is a marvel, large and unapologetic in occupying all of this space, a work of art spread out across the bed, framed admiringly between Eddie's arms, kissing back wantonly. As much as sex with Buck was sometimes wilder than anything else he's ever experienced, at moments like this it was also the most tender he's had. That it could be both simultaneously is maybe the most mind blowing thing about it, that it's not only this ebb and flow between them, that on occasion it's a melting together of the two. 

Eddie moves his mouth away from Buck's, trails kisses to his ear. "I'm going to fuck you so thoroughly, you won't be able to walk for at least a week." He gets a chuckle for that one and pulls back. "Oh, you don't believe me?"

"No, I do," Buck laughs and it's no less beautiful than every keen noise he makes during sex, "What do you think all that running's been about? Got to build up your stamina somehow. But what are you going to do about it if I can't walk for a whole week?"

Eddie shrugs smilingly as he enjoys the sensation of Buck's fingers running lightly across his cheek, carding through his hair. "I'll carry you around. Could actually be fun for testing some surfaces around the house."

"Oh?" Buck raises an interested eyebrow, "did you have a specific one in mind?"

"Well..." Eddie's first rash thought is them preparing breakfast in the kitchen, like they had the other day, with him hugging Buck from behind, but without having to stop. It gives him an idea. "Maybe I can show you. Stay here." He jumps off the bed and is about to run out the door when he turns to Buck. "Ummm. While I'm gone, don't..."

"What, touch myself? Don't worry, I love this challenge you've taken on, I'm not going to make it any easier for you," Buck grins.

Eddie rushes to the freezer in search of the ice cream that's always present somewhere in there for Chris' sake. He searches for a dessert bowl and loads it with three big scoops, placing the spoon inside. He returns the ice cream swiftly to its place and only stops on his way over to the bedroom in order to ruffle through the duffle bag in which he keeps his running clothes, grabbing a small vial of lube and a condom. When he's at the door, he comes to a stop. Buck is still laying across Abuela's bedsheets comfortably, and while he might not have touched his dick, he did take off his briefs, leaving it protruding and expectant.

"You're..." 'perfect', Eddie wants to say.

"Very curious to see what you've got there," Buck supplies the ending for him. Squeezing the items he's holding, he remembers what his goal was, placing the lube and condom on the bedside table and approaching the bed. He sits down on it and shows the bowl's contents to Buck, who frowns at it. Some of the ice cream has already melted. "Here, seriously? I don't want to ruin your Abuela's sheets."

Eddie's both touched by his care and undeterred by this objection. "Oh, I don't plan for a single drop to make it to the bed," he vows, taking a spoonful of ice cream and putting it in his mouth. He sets the bowl on the bedside table and grabs Buck by the back of the head, pulling him close while leaning in. Their lips connect and when they open up to each other, Eddie pushes his tongue into Buck's mouth, melting the ice cream into their kiss. The sweet flavor mixes with the underlying taste of the other man in a heady, irresistible concoction.

Buck consumes hungrily, the ice cream, the kiss, Eddie, he takes it all and still wants more, his lips unhesitating, swollen and demanding. When they have to stop for air, those lips are mesmerizingly full and wet and pink. He licks some ice cream leftovers off them and then he bites down, which only makes it worse. The added shade of bold red where his teeth dig in makes Buck look nothing short of obscene. An incomprehensible contrast with how angelic he also appears, surrounded by the white linens.

Eddie picks up more ice cream in his spoon, one hand hovering beneath, just in case. This time, he drips some of the melted dessert onto Buck's nipples and absorbs the hiss and the overcome drop of the jaw that follow. Eddie places the spoon back in the bowl and sucks one nipple clean, the other after it, relishing every moan that rises and falls along with Buck's heaving chest, feeling fingernails scratching into Eddie's own back. When he withdraws, he's struck by the rosy flush his lips left in their wake.

His next target is Buck's abs and he watches with fascination as they constrict in waves when the cold ice cream makes contact with them, listening for the changes in his rapid breathing. The noises he's making stutter, painfully close to pleas. Eddie bows his head down to lick the sweet substance off. He flattens his tongue to cover more surface and the sensory play between the cold ice cream and warm skin sends delightful shivers down his spine. Judging by the way Buck is trembling beneath him and by his strangled moans, the contradiction in temperatures between the ice cream and the mouth on his skin is getting to him, too. His one hand strays down to card through Eddie's hair and occasionally tug at it in sync with the licks, while the other he's most likely shoved into his own mouth, going by how muffled the noises he emits have become. Once he's spotless, Eddie rises and removes Buck's fingers from between his teeth, unmuzzling him.

"None of that. I want to hear everything."

"You..." he lets out, half choked, "God damn, Eds!"

"Hmmm?"

"You're going to make such a mess out of me," he says and his eyes are entirely too big even while his voice is so much smaller than it should be. It makes something flip in Eddie's chest and he dips down his head, hoping he can kiss that haunting gaze away.

He breaks it off with another round of ice cream droplets and with this one, he reaches the beginning of Buck's V line. Eddie leans over the beads of the cool dessert and digs his fingers into the supple flesh at the sides, the buttocks, aching with the effort not to devour this feast at a greater pace. He repeats this, traveling with the ice cream drops up to Buck's mouth and neck, down to his hips and thighs, but true to Eddie's word, he only ever arrives at the border of pubic hairs, never crosses it.

The strain there is clear, Buck's cock has been painfully erect almost since this started and occasionally, he loses control over a twitch of his thighs or he lifts his loins off the bed, in an instinctive search for contact and relief. Eddie holds him down when that happens, palm wide and soothing against hot flesh, doing nothing else for a minute or two, waiting it out with the same patience he's ignoring his own hard dick. If that doesn't prove to be enough, he employs the tactic of shifting their attention away from that area, like by dripping some ice cream into the jugular notch at the base of Buck's neck and then dipping his tongue in to lick it off.

When there's essentially no more ice cream left in the bowl, the spoon clanks as it's dropped in, to be abandoned there. Eddie smooths the backs of his palm and of his fingers over Buck's cheek, his light scruff, down the side of his neck, then back up again, as his eyes shut, letting go and focusing on it. There's a spell to this, a haunting quality in how fragile this is, in his trust, when he allows himself to be viewed and touched like this, when he leans in and rubs his chin, his jaw, into it.

It's the nature of spells, to be broken. Somehow, Eddie's fingers fall from their perch and both of his hands glide down the sides of this tempting torso laid out before him until he slows down at the hips. He slips one palm under each knee in turn and pushes up from that spot until Buck's legs are bended, feet planted firmly on the bed. Eddie grabs the lube and repositions himself between them. 

To regard Buck from this angle, when he's open and waiting, makes Eddie lightheaded and he grounds himself through the tactile. He pours some lube out onto his hands and drags one finger along the inner part of Buck's right thigh. Alternating the pressure, he plays with adding a bit of fingernail, then coats it again and echoes his actions on the other side. He can sense the anticipation vibrating through them both. The lubricant gets applied a third time, but now, he finally hones in on the ring of muscles at Buck's entrance. This specifically is not a position Eddie has used before and he studies with fascination the muscle contractions as he circles his target, his digit flat against it, pressing a bit, relenting and repeating until he can hear Buck's whimpers increase in volume. All along, the other hand sketches squiggly lines between that spot and his ballsack.

Eddie disengages abruptly. Inhales deeply. "I want you on all fours," he blurts it out, because it's not the same, saying such things in the bright light of day, in his own home.

"Ask and you shall receive," Buck winks at him, because of course he does, takes any curveball thrown at him and rolls with it, makes it possible, natural even, for both of them. Another aspect to his own brand of perfect. That word plays out in Eddie's mind again, still impossible to utter. Buck gets up and to his knees, turns around and shifts his weight forward, onto his hands which are now spread out on the bed. God, Eddie could stare at them for hours. 

Instead, he takes his spot again, cautiously re-introducing his finger and breaching Buck. It's not a lot of force that's being used, but it's steady enough and within a matter of seconds, Eddie's being pulled in no less than he pushes. When he's inside up to the last knuckle, he twists around until he locates the prostate to press into, grins at Buck muttering, "Oh, fuck," because no, Eddie's not done yet.

He slides over his other hand from near Buck's hole to his balls, teasingly plays with them a bit, noting satisfiedly how heavy they are with passion, then backs up to that stretch of skin between those two spots. Jesus, Eddie didn't have any idea it had a name before he got himself into this and now he's massaging into the taint, probing for an external contact with the prostate. He doesn't have to guess when he's succeeded in synchronizing his stimulation of it from the outside with the inside. There's a prolonged cry, which dissolves into a muffled howl, rendered into the pillow as his lover's arms shake and give way.

His lover.

Eddie's hands keep blindly going while his heart pace quickens at the thought. It's a technical term, it does nothing but describe what they've been up to with each other, if only temporarily. But he obviously never spoke it and hasn't even so much as thought it before and now it rolls around in his mind, unstoppable like thunder. It fits into some empty spot within Eddie, technical as the term may be. And maybe it's the certainty of their pending end that opens the door for it now, but he can let it take up that space for a short while. Buck. His Lover.

When Eddie's air intake returns to something more level, he joins another finger to the one already inside Buck and presses both against the same spot, before confidently turning to scissoring. His lover's arms might have failed him, but his fists fiercely grip the pillow, much like a drowning man might when fighting for his life.

Eddie had plans for this to last, to make good on his promise to Buck, but he's beyond caring at this point. Too much is drawing him to have more, because his massaging fingers are simply not enough. All Eddie wants is to be inside him, right now, to feel their bodies move together and complete each other. 

He extends his arm towards the bedside table for the condom, when suddenly his arm's trajectory is blocked. "No," Buck says hoarsely, his face turned sideways. "No, I... I haven't been with anyone other than you in months. I've always been careful and got tested regularly, I'm clean. And I know," he emphasizes it, like a reminder that he remembers every detail confided in him, "that you are, too. So if you trust me, I want to feel you inside me, wanna feel all of it."

Eddie wants to ask if he's sure, but he knows the answer and insistence that he'd receive. And there's something off with how Buck phrased this, because really, it would be him who's doing all the trusting, so how can Eddie repay that with anything other than full faith?

He bends over and kisses a path from Buck's nape, along his spine to just above his ass. Eddie picks up once more the tossed aside lube bottle and applies some to his dick. He runs one palm down Buck's lower back and slides it over to the side, grabbing tightly at his hip. Eddie, with his other hand, directs his cockhead into position and begins the slow push inside. It's always maddening, the struggle not to go too fast when he so loves the feeling of Buck, tight around him, groaning louder and more breathlessly with even the tiniest thrust from Eddie's groin. He's hooked on how his lover's body at first resists, then accommodates and eventually swallows him in. Without a condom, it's so much more raw, almost like his flesh is on fire, overstimulated by the direct friction, the surrounding heat far more intense and Eddie releases his hold on his dick and digs into his lover's other hip for a grasp on lucidity. As more of his weight is cast forward, his hand slips and travels up Buck's perspiring skin.

He's shivering under Eddie's continuous little forward jabs, his head pressed against, rather than into, the pillow that his fists are twisted in and his mouth has been letting loose a constant stream of babbling, which every so often sounds like it might be an attempt to curse. His moving lips are hypnotizing and Eddie's hand reaches further for them, presses to be accepted between them. Buck sucks the digits in eagerly. His body is so big, beautiful and stronger than any other that Eddie has come across. He loves what he can do to it, how he can reduce it to such a sweary, pleasure-drenched mess. That Buck lets him do it, wants him to, that they both crave this mass of sculpted muscles and soft skin trapped between Eddie's fingers and dick, enclosing Buck from mouth to bottom. 

They're so joined right about now, it could be easy to believe they'd never have to be separated again. And they've been sleeping together for long enough that Buck's tells have become obvious. He's close and Eddie's tingling with the anticipation for it, but…

But not like this.

"No, not like this," at this very moment, he has almost no filters, no matter how pathetic he may sound in his own ears. "Not when I can't even... I want to... I need to see you."

It costs him in blood, to disconnect, but he does retreat and Buck, half collapsing, rolls over and onto his back. He's panting hard, his eyes are semi-glazed, his lips puffy. And fuck it, he's leaking pre-cum and is breathtaking, all rolled into one impossible mixture. It leaves Eddie as nothing but pure want, an unquenchable desire to watch everything, every single part of Buck, to see his lover undone and be undone by him. Before having the chance to process any of this, Eddie falls in and kisses him. And is kissed in return.

With as minimal distancing as they can get away with, Eddie retakes his place between those unbearably long legs that he lifts and wraps around his own waist and it's so easy and natural, sliding back in, as if he belongs there. As if he was meant to. Buck lets out something that's between a whimper and a moan, uses his thighs to pull Eddie's torso closer and fucking spear himself further on the dick stretching him. Their fingers interlace and their mouths find each other again, their tongues gliding together to the same tempo dictated by Eddie's hips as he rolls them, arching his back to avoid Buck's cock and beginning to pound into him in earnest.

It's not long before they have to break apart and hold each other's gaze, when Buck is suddenly squashing Eddie's hands, biting a plea of an "uuuuhhhmmm" into his shoulder and coming hard between them. It's prolonged and gorgeous, clutching Eddie on all sides, strands of the semen hitting his chest, Buck's ass clenching around him. His lover's eyes fall shut and his body loosens immediately after that, but that happens too fast for Eddie to register properly. He's so close to the edge himself, hasn't realized just how hard he's been all along, that it only takes two more pushes of burying himself to the hilt in Buck to have him shooting his load inside.

He crumbles with the intensity of it, dropping right on top of Buck, unable to move or even pull himself out, lost in the lulling effect of it. He doesn't know how long it is before there are palms pressed tenderly against his back, embracing him and a peck stamped into his temple. He murmurs with content at that.

"Gotta admit," he hears, "I didn't think you could do it. Finish me off without touching my dick."

As boneless as he is, he jumps up at that. His head clearer now, a fleeting vague impression he was unable to assess through the haze of sex returns and bugs him. "Are you okay? I'm... I'm not sure. Did you...?"

"Yeah, I'm fine and I did," Buck smiles back at him cheerfully, "I blacked out for a few seconds, it was that good. Not that you're allowed to be smug about it..."

Eddie's too worried for jokes. "I'm sorry, should I have stopped?"

"What? No, don't be stupid. I love feeling you inside me. Maybe you haven't noticed," Buck clamps down his ass around Eddie's soft member, "I don't want it to stop. I enjoyed every single second. All of this, I loved it, it was... perfect."

* * *

More often than not during these past two and a half weeks, when Eddie has looked over from where he was folding the laundry or setting the table and saw Christopher and Buck playing together, he still momentarily couldn't fathom that it was only recently that those two had met. It never failed to warm his heart and make him smile. While his son was at school, they didn't stay cooped up in the house, Buck insisted that it was their vacation off work and they needed to go out and have fun, dragged him to the movies, a planetarium and even a round of laser tag. But they also used these hours alone to make good on the idea of having sex almost everywhere in the house. And it was on the recent Saturday late afternoon that something clicked in Eddie's mind. He tucked in Chris early, who was exhausted after they had all spent the day together at an amusement park. Thinking maybe they could have some adult fun, he opened the bedroom door to find a napping Buck there, snuggled into one of Eddie's old army shirts, and realized he hadn't once felt a flicker of anxiety in the pit of his stomach walking in here during this time off. That's when it dawns on him. For the first time since Shannon has returned, he feels that he belongs to the place he lives in. He feels at home.

It's been a good two and a half weeks. They had fallen into this lovely routine quite easily.

Which is why Tuesday comes as a shock to the system. 

Eddie dropped off Chris at school earlier and then Buck at the gym for his weekly fitness session there. The two of them had gone on a couple of runs together. Not too long, but great ones, since they had no restrictions breathing down their necks. Still, Buck insisted that to maintain his physique when they were off work, he needed more than running and by the time he threw in some lewd innuendo and a wink, Eddie was more concerned with kissing him.

The first sign that something's wrong is that there's sound coming from the inside. Television noises, Eddie figures out instantly, but he's pretty sure they had turned it off before they left. He unlocks the door and steps inside. Shannon's on the couch, watching the screen. When he enters, she turns to him.

"I'm here," she says decisively, "but I'm not ready to talk yet."

Her eyes flicker back to their TV set, leaving Eddie reeling. He'd seen that kind of look before. When he was in Afghanistan, some of the locals would welcome him as an American GI, tell him their trouble, ask him for help. Others who he had dealings with, they'd have the same exchange with him, almost verbatim, but the way they regarded him was different. Colder. As if they accepted his presence there, but couldn't stop resenting it.

Eddie leaves the living room in favor of the bedroom, pulling out his cellphone while he walks, texting Buck that Shannon's back, grateful that he has his duffel bag with him for the gym. Eddie steps inside and strips the bed naked of Abuela's sheets.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations for the Spanish can be found in the notes at the end of this chapter. Thank you again to my wonderful native speaking friends who helped me with these and gave the final approval!
> 
> A YouTube video of the song mentioned in this chapter will also be found at the end of the chapter. 
> 
> This chapter dedicated to [Maszzaj](https://archiveofourown.org/users/maszzaj/pseuds/maszzaj) and [Mike](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miker/pseuds/Miker), who made me so happy, not only catching up on this fic, but actually leaving comments on each chapter individually. I might have cried with joy... 
> 
> All feedback welcome, you can always drop it, questions, suggestions, prompts, on [my Tumblr](https://matan4il.tumblr.com).

Even when Shannon's ready, they don't really talk. They discuss some things, of course. Fill each other in on the technicalities of what they've done while they were apart. Mary's fun-loving style made for a couple of good stories about their adventures together and Eddie listens, does his best not to zone out too often. It's not that he's not interested. He cares about his wife. But there's a million pressing questions plaguing his mind and what Mary said to the bartender under the influence of tequila is not one of them.

When it's Eddie's turn to share the details of their weeks apart, he's a lot less descriptive than she was. That's not unusual of him, nor new to Shannon. He gives her a concise report on everything related to Christopher at school.

"Well, now he wants his end of the year science project to be on the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs," she nods along, not seeming too focused herself now. He takes the plunge, careful to maintain the same tone and speed of his speech. "Also, Buck stayed over while you were away. He helped a lot around the house and with Chris."

"Buck?" Shannon's eyes dart questioningly to him. "I thought you found the guy annoying?"

Eddie shrugs nonchalantly, holds on to pieces of truthfulness. "He's the only single guy at the station. He volunteered to help. I needed that, so I couldn't refuse."

She shakes her head in confusion. "I don't get it. Why would he do that?"

"I don't know..." he schools his face and voice to project indifference, "He said once that he loves kids. Maybe he wanted to see what it's like having one around constantly."

"You think he and Bosko are that serious?" She asks and the unintended knife in Eddie's stomach twists.

"I have no idea," he answers. It may come across as suspicious, to shut off now, but there are some things that he just can't help.

Shannon reclines a little. Runs a hand through her hair before she speaks again. "I'm sorry I accused you of sleeping with her." Eddie nods. He's glad that she's offering that and yet, he's lost on what he's meant to say in reply. "But there is something wrong between us and we can't fix it when you're not talking to me."

She looks at him expectantly and it's clear this is when he's meant to speak. Say something real. "Have you ever felt like..." Eddie searches for a way to express a truth that he must never explicitly confess, feeling torn and on edge. He mentally hears the sound of running feet, hitting the ground and remembers his own failure to keep up with the rest of the men, "like you're running out of air and you're trying your best to do well, but you're just suffocating?"

"Oh, Eddie," she says, taking on a concerned expression. It is unusual for him to use metaphors and she's responding to that, no doubt. "You are doing well. You've been such a good dad to our son, don't think I haven't seen how much you've changed since," she tilts her head sideways for a second, skirting too many uncomfortable memories, "before. I really am sorry if I've been making it worse, I never meant to make you feel suffocated. But Eddie, you can't keep having these late nights after work or taking on constant extra shifts. It's not solving anything. How about we do this, I'll give you more space and you, be more present around here. Deal?"

He agrees to her suggestion with a nod of the head. "Deal." Her smile at that is so bright, as if that many problems can really be solved with this one simple commitment.

He said something of what was weighing on him. And she heard what she wanted to. They don't really talk, but she thinks they did. That's enough. It's all he needs to keep powering through.

* * *

The call comes from a private home and as the team races for the fire truck, Eddie has an awkward moment of nearly brushing past Buck, before pulling back to let the man get onto the vehicle first. That's new. And not exactly pleasant, though he's been trying to keep it to a minimum and carry on as normal. It's just hard at times, the physical proximity, now that what they had is over.

Bobby informs them on the way that the back porch of a family home had collapsed during a barbeque. When they get to the scene, several people are suffering from various degrees of burn. Their Captain nods to Chim and Hen, who are coming up from behind and they bypass him and get right to it. 

"Por favor, mi bebe, por favor," one woman is sobbing hysterically and the man next to her wildly and repeatedly points his arms at the debris of the semi-collapsed porch and shouts in Spanish. 

"He says that his cousin's daughter is trapped underneath the rubble," Eddie informs Bobby and doesn't wait for the order to head over before he's sprinting there. 

A closer look at the debris tells him that they'd need to go back around the house to get the heavy equipment, but the whole thing is unstable and for the little girl who's trapped below, they can't wait. He glances over at Buck, who's standing by the sunken, unstable supporting beam. Once Eddie gives him a confirming nod, he lifts it up.

As soon as Buck does, it creates enough of an opening for Eddie to crawl in and attempt to find the girl. He's getting scratched all over as he maneuvers his body through the cramped space in almost complete darkness. He scouts his way by touch and advances again. Eddie can tell exactly when they bring in the giant jacks to take the load of the beam off Buck and whoever's been helping him keep it in the air, while he calls out to the girl, "Me llamo Eddie, soy bombero y estoy aqui para ayudarte." He hears a coughing sound to his right, just a bit out of his reach, the girl probably trying to reply, but struggling with her airways partly blocked in the debris. He proceeds in that direction and his fumbling hand suddenly comes into contact with her. She lets out a sort of a whine and Eddie reassures her, "Cálmate, chiquita, todo estará bien."

It's an effort, but he manages to move some of the debris away and once he's positive that he won't hurt this little girl by moving her, he slips his hands under her body and lifts her up. Simply crawling his way back out would have been worse than entering this space all on its own, but it's definitely made more difficult by carrying this vulnerable little kid in his arms. He has no choice, though. He must get them out fast, the remainder of the structure above them is not safe and will probably further collapse in a matter of minutes at most. Soon enough, they're both out in the sunlight again. He puts her carefully down on the nearest safe spot on the ground and checks her vitals. Her mom is by them in two seconds, but Eddie pays her no mind. The girl is not badly wounded, mostly scratches and inhaled dust, but she is in a bit of shock, so once he makes sure that her heart rate is normal, he asks for some water to be brought for her and lets the mother take over.

"Gracias, muchas gracias," the mom's cousin pulls Eddie into a tight hug.

"De nada," is all he can say as his own fatigue from the concentrated effort seeps in.

The ride back to the station is relatively quiet, Eddie is exhausted and everyone on the truck leaves him be. But after the truck pulls in and they get off it, everyone from the 118 is at the lockers to congratulate him for his daring rescue, including Chim and Hen, who just came back from escorting their patients to the hospital.

"Those were some nice moves," Chimney comments. "Very impressive hip movement, is that from salsa dancing? Maybe I should start taking some lessons," he throws in a fist bump along with his friendly joke.

"Thanks, man," Eddie smiles happily, letting himself enjoy his colleagues' appreciation as he gets nods and hand clasps from several firefighters.

"Nicely done," Hen joins in with a big congratulatory smile of her own and thankfully, she keeps the teasing for another day as she pats him on the back affectionately.

"Thank you," he replies warmly. He's never really said it, but he holds these people in such high regard that even though he doesn't feel too deserving of praise for what he did since it was nothing but what needed to be done, it still fills him up with joy.

"Yeah, that was a really difficult save, good job," Buck says and his whole being seems to scream discomfort and hope for something more at the same time.

"Thanks," Eddie's aware that he cuts it short, almost like he's forced to say it, unable to show too much gratitude with his tone or body language as he did with the others.

Buck flinches away. Maybe it's not very noticeable to the other people around them, but it is to Eddie and a part of him is dying with this. It's what has to be.

It's what they have become for the last few weeks since Shannon's return. Awkwardness and averted glances. Sitting as far away from each other during meals at the fire station. Trying not to catch Buck's scent or remember what his face is like when his eyes are closed with an abundance of bliss. With the pleasure that Eddie is causing him. Was causing. It's hard to walk this line, but there is no other choice.

When the shift is over, the locker room is almost empty before Eddie leaves. He's just tired enough from that day's rescue to be slower with changing out of his uniform. There's only two men left other than him and one of them is Buck. Eddie forces himself to pay more attention to the shoelaces in his boots, hoping to distract himself from wondering whether Buck had stayed back purposely. 

Eddie's close to finishing up when Buck asks, "Do you guys mind a bit of music?" He doesn't wait for an answer, turns on his cellphone and puts on a song. The sound is melancholy, the voice and melody have the air of someone who has all but given up and all that is left to them is to sing their woes to others. Eddie thinks he's heard it sometime in passing, but he's right now, he's actually listening to it.

'I had all and then most of you, some and now none of you,' it starts playing and he didn't expect the lyrics to cut. Deeply. 'I don't know what I'm supposed to do, haunted by the ghost of you. Oh, take me back...'

He shoulders his duffel bag and goes home, burying away the certainty that yes, Buck remained behind on purpose.

* * *

Eddie goes running in the woods alone. If he stops this habit now, Shannon would ask questions. Not to mention, there's a kind of mindlessness in running, once the pace is set, which he's badly in need of.

Not that he's completely free of his own thoughts even here. He wants to be, but if it's not one thing bothering him, it's another. Small, stupid stuff, too. The woods around him, for example. Logically, they're the same, yet everything now appears less vibrant to him. The colors of bushes and trees, the brightness of sun rays, the textures of leaves and bark. The sounds of forest animals are muted, leaving his solitary run to echo off more brutal, far louder. Lonelier.

Not that he's any less alone at home. He's doing what he can to do right by Shannon. It's made partly easier by her conviction that they've gotten to the root of their recent problems and that they're both committed to change. They've resumed date nights and Eddie has been better than before about skirting around any issues they may have. He keeps reminding himself he's lost all rights to ever be upset with her over anything. 

It's at home that it's harder to give Shannon the undivided attention she should have when the ghost of him and Buck is imprinted onto nearly every item around him. Maybe predictably, walking into his own bedroom has gone back to the feel of stepping into foreign territory. It doesn't help that Christopher, weeks later, is still periodically asking about Buck and when he'll come by again. Eddie's thankful that his son at least does so while Shannon is not around, though a part of him does wonder why. 

"Doesn't he care about us anymore?" Chris posed a new, additional question just yesterday. How was Eddie meant to answer that?

He patted his son's hair as quickly as the first part of his answer fell softly and surely out of his mouth. "Of course not, buddy. Buck adores you." That was the easy bit. It was the rest that he struggled with. He had no good justification to offer his son and that was evident to him. He only hoped it wouldn't be to Chris. "You know how there are some things that you really love to do, but you can't always do them when you want to? Or as often as you'd like to?" Christopher nodded. "Well, the same goes for adults, even more than for kids. Most of the time, we actually can't do what we would love to the most. It doesn't mean we love doing those things any less, like seeing our best buddies. Buck loves you just as much as he did before, alright? Him not being able to visit doesn't make it any less true. He's just... he has to be an adult right now."

Chris looked contemplative for a beat, his eyelids fluttering briefly before finding their focus again. "That's not very fun."

"No, it isn't," Eddie agreed, "but it's usually for a really good reason. Even if the person that we love and can't meet doesn't know what that reason is." He hugged his son, his own really good reason to be an adult, warmly and tightly into his chest.

He's meant to be putting aside these thoughts, but he's failing. Every time one of his feet hits the ground, it's another hammer, pounding away at his head. Eddie wonders just how much not having Buck around is a repeat for Chris of having lost each of his parents for long stretches of time. Truth be told, his son has always been an affectionate kid. He wins people over easily, no less because he opens up to them than thanks to how adorable he is. Despite Eddie initially not seeing this coming, how Christopher would get that attached to Buck and that fast, he then recognized that it was Shannon's absence which accelerated their bond, making it even harder to believe the attachment would remain in place after she came back. But something about those two clicked and it defied any explanation Eddie could come up with.

When Eddie gets to the pond, there's a broad figure sitting on the wooden log by it. And maybe he didn't think this will happen, but now that it has, he's not surprised, if still clueless on how to handle it. He should have been prepared for it when the spot is achingly close to where Buck first sought him out and seared his touch into Eddie's flesh. The memory alone is gut wrenching. How much they've been through since then, how little of a difference it ended up making. Buck rises from the log, he probably moved to do so as soon as he heard Eddie arriving, and turns around. They regard each other for a bit, in silence. It's the first opportunity they've had in almost two months to look at one another without having to hide that they are from everyone else. Buck's expression is severe and Eddie hates that he knows now what this man looks like when he's hurt.

"Not a single text message," he says. Of course Buck would cut right to the chase. "What the hell, Eddie? You barely say 'hi' to me at the start of a shift. You avoid sitting or standing next to me like I have the plague. You won't talk to me during team meals or stick around at the end of a shift, although everyone has left already. All of our friends get to congratulate and celebrate success with you, and me? I get the cold shoulder. I can't even ask you how Christopher is doing. Or tell you how much I miss him."

God, does Eddie feel like the world's biggest jerk. It's all true. And it all sucks. But the problem isn't other people, so talking alone, exchanging text messages, it resolves nothing. If they don't do it this way, he's certain that they'll slip back to what they shouldn't be doing.

"Hey, you said that you understood how it has to be," instead of sharing his reasoning, he counters, "that this doesn't have to mean anything." He's nauseous with how cold he must sound. But he's convinced there's no other way to make the other man back off.

"I did say that," Buck acknowledges, "But really? We're going to go from..." for a brief second, he seems at a loss on how to describe what they were while they lasted, "from that," he settles on with an emphasized gesture, "to this absolute, complete nothing now? There has to be some middle ground that we can find." His voice is insistent while his eyes, his forward-leaning body, are pleading.

Eddie runs his hand over the lower part of his jaw, letting the stubble scratch at his skin, hoping the discomfort would ground him, because his resolve is slipping away. "This is middle ground, Buck," is all he can say. "This is the most I can give you."

Buck recoils from this a little. He doesn't reply, but his eyes speak volumes and all Eddie wants to do is hug him, but he can't. The pond is serenely lying besides them. They never did get to go swimming in it. There's so many things they didn't have the chance to do together. So many things they won't get to dream and Eddie stops himself from wondering when's the last time he dared to before they met anyway. The future stretches out, long and bleak, before him.

There's a flash of contortion that passes through Buck's face before he says, "I'm not stupid, Eddie. I know I still have a piece of you. But if that's not enough for you to give me something, anything more than this..." he takes a step back, the disappointment etched deeply into his every feature, "fine. Have it your way, I won't argue with you over this anymore." He returns to his previous sitting position on the log, his back turned, observing the pond. Clearly giving Eddie the space to go.

Just like that, he's off the hook. And there's nothing that he wants less. He turns around and leaves regardless. Running back to his truck, he's devoid of thoughts, which was what he wanted when he came out here today, but it turns out to be nothing like what he was hoping for. It's a flicker of a flame, alternating between growing larger and smaller, between pained and numb. When he gets to his vehicle, he climbs in and takes out his cellphone. Stares at the screen for a long minute. Unlocks it and plays 'The Night We Met' yet again.

* * *

Eddie pulls into the parking lot of his home, exhausted. He's been nothing else for too long. Hasn't had a good night's sleep in the weeks since his encounter with Buck at the pond. It's not that he's completely deprived of it and he supposes he should be grateful for that. Who could tell what sort of a risk he'd be on the job if that were the case. It's that it comes in short, constantly interrupted bouts, so it's never restful. Each time he falls asleep, within an hour at most, his mind conjures up Buck. Makes Eddie believe that the other man is calling out for him, in distress, trapped under a truck, about to be crushed by a train... writing him a text message, asking for him. Every single scenario appears so real and Eddie always wakes up with a start, longing to reach for Buck. Has to calm down as reality sets in even when the drill is becoming all too familiar. That he's not in danger, which is good. That he's not reaching out for Eddie.

If that's not enough, Christopher hasn't stopped asking about his Buck. The explanation that Eddie had offered has been accepted, but every once in a while, his son still asks him when does Buck get to do the things that he loves and wants to. "Patience, mijo," Eddie replies each time, because he has no options left other than to hope that Chris will eventually tire from waiting for things to change. It's the most honest course of action he has, when he's basically doing the same himself.

"Hey, you're home," Shannon greets him from her seat next to their dining table as he walks in. She's looking at magazines and he walks over to leave a peck on her lips. He wants to go, but she prevents it. "Eddie, I was talking to Mary today about all sorts of dinner party ideas," she tilts the journal she's been leafing through in demonstration, "and I had an idea. You said Buck was a huge help while I was staying with her, right? Well, I thought maybe we could ask him for a thank you dinner. How about that?"

Eddie studies her face, but there's no trace of suspicion or testing that he can detect there. "Hasn't it been a little too long?"

"It's never too late to say thank you! And if you really see it as a problem, we should get a move on and invite him as soon as we can!"

"I'm sorry, but I'm still not sure it's a good idea," he says awkwardly.

"Why not? If you're worried that he'll want to bring Bosko with him, I promise to be on my best behavior. And maybe that will be good for us, you'll see that I mean it when I tell you that I believe you about her."

It's touching and he squeezes her shoulder. They're both trying in their own way to make this work. He wishes her effort would have meant as much to him as it should have. "No, I trust you and I appreciate it. But I'm so tired, I don't think I'd make the best company right now."

"You're still not sleeping well?" She's obviously concerned. 

"Yeah. I'm sorry."

"Don't be. Forget about the dinner idea, just go to bed and see if you can get some rest... Chris is at your grandmother's, I'll make sure he's quiet when he comes home."

He nods and gives her a second peck, on the cheek this time, and heads for the bedroom without adding anything else. Knowing he's incapable of staying up to greet his son is proof of how bad his exhaustion really is. Going to sleep has been on his mind during the entire day, from the minute he woke up. He's so drained, he's never been this low before. The first few weeks after Shannon left, he was struggling, but if anything, he slept deeper, the slumber of a man whose body was worked to the bone. But now, it's his mind which is breaking down and nothing has been helping. Least of all being around Buck almost daily, spending long shifts together at the station, working closely on calls. Sometimes merely noticing him walking across a room hurts far more than it should. For a while, they were one body and now, Eddie must deny himself so much as a touch. The levels of effort he has to invest in order to keep his distance are depleting him.

He lies down on his side of the bed. The sheets aren't embroidered. The other side of the bed is empty. Much like him. He resigns himself to it and only prays sleep will come quickly to him and stay around longer.

* * *

The station loft is full of people's chatter as they gather in the kitchen around Bobby. He's preparing curry, which is a rarity and the smell of spices wafting around has drawn the entire team to his side, observing with fascination as he cooks and chatting happily in anticipation for this exquisite meal about to be served.

Well, almost the whole team. Buck is cleaning up the mess he made earlier when he accidentally knocked over Hen's glass of orange juice from the coffee table in front of the TV in his attempts not to lose to her on the video car race game they were playing. Eddie's been so deprived of rest, that's his main excuse for how he can't stop watching those massive broad shoulders at work.

Nothing out of the ordinary had happened that day. There weren't a lot of calls and the ones they did have, were all pretty mundane. Buck looked good in his blue uniform, sleeves rolled up and highlighting his arms, but that wasn't new either. Eddie can't explain to himself why he walks over to him. The closest he can come to that is the constant sadness. He's been hollow ever since he sent Buck the text message about Shannon's return, aching and yearning. Dying to push him up against the nearest surface and kiss him, even when they don't even stand that close to each other. If pushing all of this away required strength, maybe it was a matter of Eddie's will power muscles beginning to spasm and give way from overuse.

He brings along with him a rag in place of the paper towels that Buck has been using to soak up the spilled liquid, only mildly successful. He crouches down and drops the rag over the juice when their knees brush together and almost immediately, Buck moves away from it.

"Sorry," Eddie offers awkwardly. "I thought you might need help." 

"Thanks, I'm fine," he says, though the rag is clearly much more efficient at absorption. There's already almost nothing left on the floor.

"Shannon had an idea. She wanted to thank you for what you did while she wasn't around. She's inviting you over to a thank you dinner."

Buck looks at him for the first time since Eddie approached him. "Oh, Shannon did, huh? Thank your wife for the invitation, but I don't think so. You can make up whatever excuse you'd like on my behalf." Buck picks up the rag by its driest corner, mops away whatever's remained with the paper towels he had left and moves to the kitchen to dispose of the entire mess.

Eddie would give a lung to know whether he still had a part of Buck, much as he shouldn't care.

* * *

Eddie's duffel bag is heavy on his shoulder, though it's not the worst weight that he's been carrying around. For about a week now, since he tried inviting Buck, he's been dreading coming into work. If before it was weird and difficult, these past few shifts have made him internally beg for the ground to open up its mouth and swallow him whole. He's given up on sleep. Continues to avoid Buck, but now he's aware that it's mutual, which makes it easier to accomplish and harder to bear. 

He desperately wants to fix things, but everything feels broken beyond repair. Him, most of all.

The locker room is almost empty when he enters it, though Chim and Hen are already there, engaged in a lively conversation. If Chim's amusement is anything to go by, they're sharing some juicy new gossip. 

Eddie walks over to say hi, when he overhears them.

"What I don't get is what was that whole thing with Bosko, then?" Chimney wonders.

That makes him freeze in his tracks.

"You know, he could be into her despite that. Bisexuality is real." Hen says, her tone not unkind.

"True, but then why was he out there?"

"Maybe they're not yet at the commitment stage of their relationship. Or they have an open one, go figure."

"Hi, morning! What are we talking about here?" Eddie interrupts, disturbing questions swirling in his mind, turning his gut.

"Hey, man!" Chim responds cheerily, "How are you? Oh, it's nothing major, just what I heard from the guys on last night's shift."

"Chimney!" Hen berates him.

"What? He's going to hear all about it from someone anyway. Everyone will. So, early into the shift, they had to go make an inspection of a possible fire code violation at a gay club across town. And guess who they recognized, hanging out there?"

"Buck," Eddie replies, his gut going into free fall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Spanish Translations:**
> 
> Por favor, mi bebe, por favor - Please, my baby, please  
>  Me llamo Eddie, soy bombero y estoy aqui para ayudarte - My name is Eddie, I’m a firefighter and I’m here to help you  
>  Cálmate, chiquita, todo estará bien - Be calm, little one, everything will be alright  
>  Gracias, muchas gracias - Thanks, thanks a lot  
>  De nada - You’re welcome


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter dedicated to the lovely [Lozgrrrl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lozgrrrl/pseuds/lozgrrrl), thank you for your invested feedback, it's always so great to see people's emotional reactions to everything! xoxox
> 
> All feedback welcome, you can always drop it, questions, suggestions, prompts, on [my Tumblr](https://matan4il.tumblr.com/).

Buck's the last man to show up for that day's shift, probably due to hangover, Hen speculates. Bobby takes the opportunity to gather them up in the loft and address the issue.

"Everyone, I heard the bit of gossip that's been going around, I assume by now, you all have. Now, I'm sure I don't have to tell you anything about sensitivity in the workplace and that no intolerance will be accepted here. But because of how the news spread, I wanted to emphasize that sometimes what you see as harmless banter, someone else might be hurt by. I know that we all like teasing each other without any bad intentions involved, but this is a serious matter and jokes can be misunderstood sometimes, so please. I trust all of you that you can put this matter aside. Let's all focus on the job at hand and make this a good shift, yes?"

He gets a couple of nods, Chim looks a little dissatisfied, while Hen is grinning widely.

"Good," he adds, "it's time for breakfast."

They are just about done setting the table when Buck shows up. His eyes are wide and alert, his expression tense, but there's also a certain stubbornness in it and in the way he holds himself up. Tall and unabashed.

He joins the rest of the team at the table and carries on as if nothing had changed. The subject of the club isn't brought up by anyone and when the food is served, Buck devours it like nothing unusual has occurred. 

At first, there's only the most necessary talk around the table, people asking for salt to be passed to them and such. After about ten minutes like that, Bobby clearly decides to coax a more natural flow of the conversation out of them, bringing up subjects that different teammates are enthusiastic about, like asking Chim about his new dating profile. As they answer their Captain and react to each other's replies, a sense of normalcy is restored. 

The meal continues from there as usual, this morning without a call to pull them away from the delicious food Cap had prepared. After everyone disperses, Eddie just hovers around the kitchen, busying himself with helping Bobby do away with the leftovers and clean up the table.

He does catch it when Hen, standing not too far behind him by the sound of it, calls Buck over to her and tells him, "Hey, I know how it came to light isn't ideal, but I'm glad that you don't have to hide anymore. And that we get to accept all of you. If you ever need anything, you just say the word and I'll be here for you, okay?" Eddie can't pick up on an answer, so he assumes Buck must have nodded at that and the two of them hugged. It's a scene that's easy enough to picture, given how familial the team is.

Bobby, who’s standing to Eddie's side, adds in Buck's direction, "And if anyone gives you any grief over this or anything makes you uncomfortable, I want you to come to me straight away, do you hear me?"

"Hmmm. No pun intended," Hen quips.

Buck chuckles at her and in a more serious and earnest manner, he directs his next words at Bobby, "Thank you, Captain."

Eddie leans closer to the tables and scrapes at the dried stain of hummus he's been trying to wipe off it with far more force.

* * *

The apartment's door opens and Buck enters, looking ragged. He's half way inside when he does a double take, having noticed Eddie, who is seated facing the entrance by the dining table and waiting. His elbows are on the hard surface and his mouth is hidden behind his clasped hands. Buck shuts and locks the door behind him, then takes a step in. "This is a surprise. I guess you still have the key I gave you."

Eddie springs out of his chair and onto his feet, bypassing the table to get right in the other man's face with everything he's had to keep mum. "That inspection was scheduled weeks in advance and we both know it," he states, his tone demanding.

"Is that all you have to say to me?" Buck doesn't back away and their puffed up chests are almost pushing against each other.

"You wanted to be found there," the accusations spill out, "to have everyone talking about this. Is this a way to force me out of the closet, huh? Because if I wasn't clear enough before, that's never going to happen." 

Buck shakes his head in disbelief and huffs out in anger, "The world doesn't actually revolve around you, Diaz." He steps closer, presses back.

But that's all he offers. No further explanations or an apology. No details. Acting like he owes Eddie nothing. Buck just stands there, his jaw set and tense, his eyebrows furrowed and despite the proximity between them, his features are distant and judging.

Eddie can feel his own face twisting with fury, interlaced with anguish that he had hoped to disguise. "What were you doing there exactly?" His temper flares up, giving himself away, "Were you fucking other guys?"

"I'm free to fuck whoever I like," Buck replies defiantly, jutting out his chin. Eddie is about to explode with the need to lash out, with the mad itch to throw a punch at something in order to not be consumed by this rage. He's never walked away from a fight in his life, he didn't have to, especially not since the army has taught the discipline to keep these urges in check and avoid getting into an altercation in the first place. That doesn't help him now, he's so furious at everything, could probably murder whoever the guy Buck was with at the club with his bare hands. He takes half a step forward, ready to burst out. 

But despite all the anger that's been building up inside him since he heard the gay club gossip, the only target standing before him is Buck and that breaks the tide. Whatever else might happen between them, Eddie can't possibly hurt him. 

Which means if Buck won't back off, he must. 

He retreats one step and stops. Hammers his fist against his own thigh for some relief, then attempts to calm his breath down. No luck, because Buck's own ire has apparently also been growing since the moment he walked in and now he's the one pursuing Eddie, getting right back into his personal space.

"What's your problem, anyway?" Buck's progressively raising his voice. "You're the one who decided to cut off all ties. Remember? So you don't get to come here, asking questions and making demands. What, because you don't want to face what your decision led to?" Eddie closes his eyes and swallows hard. He really didn't come here to hear a confirmation for his worst fear, bringing up the mental images that have been haunting him ever since he heard the news, driving him crazy, like a knife that's been permanently wedged inside him, spilling his blood all over everything without a single drop dribbling outside his body: Buck and some stranger... fucking in that club. His lover... with someone else. "Well, what about what I want, Eddie?" Buck is practically shouting it as he eliminates the small distance still left between them. His eyes are intense and unguarded, an invitation into his soul which cannot be rejected. He grabs a hold of Eddie's biceps, who in return instinctively fists the upper part of Buck's shirt. They are entangled in each other again, as far removed as this is from the last time they were. Eddie tilts his head back incredulously, in what he hopes looks like a warning, but might be dangerously close to begging. The way they're holding on, arms up around each other, it's almost an embrace and it's close to breaking him. Buck continues, his voice gone quiet again, "Don't you get it, you moron?" the hurt on his face is almost too much to bear. "I love you."

Eddie nearly chokes. The words are said painfully and somehow that makes them all the more authentic. As if simple love is something he might have argued with, found it too good to be true and would have dismissed such a confession. But this love is a wound, this he can feel bleeding in his flesh and in his soul. Has been feeling it for a while. This is real. Buck loves him.

Eddie tries to push him away, but somehow in his efforts, he ends up pulling Buck closer and is himself engulfed by the man who loves him. The nerve of it, saying exactly what Eddie didn't even understand he's been longing for until Buck spoke. With all of the promise that those words carry, with the full threat that necessarily looms over them. When the man who says them has already slept with someone else. It's devastating and Eddie's knees wobble. Buck's arms lock even tighter around him. 

Eddie's drowning in his arms, in his warmth. Maybe he's even whimpering a small, barely audible, "No," drenched in disbelief and fear, he can't tell.

"Yes," Buck insists. "You idiot. I'm not sleeping with anyone else." Eddie shakes his head, as if this is too good for him to believe after all and the beginning of a sob is the only thing preventing him from protesting, but Buck doesn't let up. "I haven't, because I don't want, I can't want, anyone else but you. I love you," he repeats and it's softer this time. Maybe a little more hopeful. And Eddie knows, in his very core, that he's never needed anything like he does this. That he can have faith Buck means it and trust in his love to be unwavering. That it will remain steady, no matter what other emotions they may also have about each other. Eddie's last attempt to push himself out of his arms and away from this is weak, before he's crumbling to the floor, falling into Buck. And when exactly did this happen, Eddie doesn't know, but he's clinging back now with no more reserve. 

He hates those three words that Buck said so much, hates how much they mean to him, suffocates on how long he's actually wanted them when he can tell they're filling every hollow space in his body. He's been jealous from the moment he heard about the club, downright possessive and terrified of having lost Buck. He hates how these words offer him relief, a balm for everything that's been twisting in his gut, because it's terrifying what it would be like if he wasn't granted them or if he will one day be deprived of them once more. It's his, Buck's love, this precious thing, both fragile and fierce, his to rejoice in and his to possibly destroy. Which Eddie knows he very much might do, clueless as he is on how to have and shield it.

That sob rips itself out of him and he's fully weeping. In Buck's protective arms, he can. The dam blocking away all the things he's wanted and could not have, all the love he's given up on, is broken and he's being gathered in, brought back to where he belongs. He's home, safe. He can let go and cry out all of the pain.

Buck kisses his temple and the top of his hair, lays one of his palms reassuringly on his nape. Eddie allows that to penetrate his every cell, reaching out almost blindly through the tears to reciprocate it. When the sobbing begins to subside, Buck adds another peck to his cheek and continues what he was saying, as if Eddie didn't completely break down, "Don't get cocky, but I haven't even looked at anyone else since I've met you. I wanted to be with you so badly from the moment I saw you. And Eddie, I have been with you. This entire time. But I need you to be with me, too."

There is no answer that's good enough for that, for what Buck has given him and how much he deserves, so Eddie kisses him instead. Presses their lips urgently together to kiss him sadly and honestly. The taste of salt is mingled in with the flavor of Buck and it is intoxicating and nurturing and heartbreaking all at once.

Neither one of them initiates this, undressing each other, because that would require a starting point and this has none, it's simply a natural progression of their bodies fitting back together after being separated for too long. It's slow and their kisses during this are chaste, punctuation to the unverbalized statements they're exchanging.

They take their time, until they're finally naked and kissing sprawled out on the floor. They caress each other languidly with every brush of lips and tongues. Their hands glide everywhere, each of their touches confirming that this is truly happening. The floor is hard beneath them, but the slight discomfort is another affirmation for Eddie, who's hoarding every piece of evidence that Buck won't disintegrate come morning as he has in countless dreams and night terrors. Eddie has been starving for months and as with all extreme hunger, he has lost all measure of it. As soon as their lips brush against each other again, the satiation that spreads through his limbs informs him just how famished he has been. Entirely for Buck. Eddie takes his fill and thinks that if he died at this very minute, it would be a serene death, happy and complete.

Buck's hand returns to the back of his neck and grabs at his hair, pulling them apart. It's as if they've been denied for so long, it takes physical force to disconnect them. "Come on," it's barely more than a whisper when Buck guides them to rise. Standing in the same spots, a step and a half away from the front door, the bedroom is close by and still too far. "Turn around and lay down on the table," Buck's register is hoarse, matching his kiss-bitten lips. Eddie hesitates. Wanting to satiate this hunger takes a toll on all his senses and he hates the idea of not seeing Buck, who adds, "Eds, please trust me. Be with me," and God, has Eddie missed that term of endearment, a part of him had been wilting away at the idea of never hearing Buck calling him that anymore. He savors the affection in it and does as he's asked. 

Buck leans over behind and above him, his breath ghosting over the skin of Eddie's nape and it makes even the tiniest of his hairs there stand, sending a shiver through him. Buck glues himself to Eddie, aligning their curves and contours, running big hands down his arms, sharing body heat. Neither one of them moves beyond that and for a few minutes, they just breathe as one. Then Buck hovers his lips over the back of Eddie's neck and kisses it. At first, a butterfly touch, barely there. Next, it's more firm as Buck presses his mouth over the delicate flesh, but gently still. The third time, he parts his lips and the kiss is wet and tingling, dancing across the borders of Eddie's consciousness, amplified by his lack of sight.

Buck slides Eddie's hands to the edges of the dining table, to wrap around them. "Don't let go," he instructs, before his weight disappears and his mouth sinks into a series of kissed dots down Eddie's spine, whose gaze is fixed on his own fingers, holding tight. There's a small amount of friction between them where they're both bent over the table's surface, an ongoing reassurance that they're together.

Buck's palms press down Eddie's body, rushing along in parallel with his kisses, until he reaches the torso's end. His hands cup the globes of Eddie's ass, his thumbs are rubbing soothing circles into the tender flesh and this feels like such an appreciative gesture that it becomes a completely new experience to be submerged in. Having no visuals, Eddie is left to wonder what that appears like, with the position he's in. What he must look like to Buck. He supposes undignified could be the answer, would be for most people probably, but it isn't for him. Allowing himself to be cherished by his lover, having let Buck get under his skin since the first day they've met and brand everything there with his love, well. Together with parenting Christopher, it might be the best thing Eddie's ever done. He's fucking proud.

Buck's thumbs progress towards each other while his hands push Eddie's mounds apart, exposing his hole. His fingers dig deeper, because this still isn't easy for him. To be on display like that. To be appraised and powerless to do anything about it. To hope he's good enough. Buck nudges the verge of the muscle ring, then eases away. The next thing Eddie knows, there's the pressure at his entrance of something bigger, soft and slick. Buck's tongue. A moan escapes Eddie in reaction as his head shoots up and before he even has the time to grasp that he's about to make such a noise. His own digits are beginning to drift away into his peripheral vision, white from the intensity with which they're clasping at the table.

Buck doesn't let up, he circles his tongue around the ringed muscles without ever stopping his application of pressure against them and Eddie's chest feels like it's about to combust. After two rounds, he centers again and focuses on pushing in, though never aggressively so. There's resistance, but not as much as Eddie might have feared and the longer this goes on, the more it's fading away. Buck draws back and blows some air at the wet opening, making it twitch. Eddie finds it hard to believe how acutely he can sense the spasm, follow everything that Buck is doing to him, and his head drops back against the table, a groan squeezing its way out past his lips. When the rush of air is gone, his entrance stops constricting and in its relaxed, contrasting state, it widens instead. Buck uses the opportunity and sneaks his tongue in deeper than it would have fit in otherwise, his mouth closing around the spot where his tongue is penetrating Eddie's body. His lover's hands are still keeping his cheeks wide apart and his everything, from the bottom of his back to the top of his thighs, feels like it's on fire.

Buck keeps shoving himself in and rotating his tongue inside Eddie, thumbs picking up a stroking motion. It continues like that until Buck reaches a certain point that makes him cry out as pleasure reaches his every cell, igniting sparks in them all and a kind of fullness takes over that Eddie struggles to contain. His vision blurs and he's considering crushing his head against the table rather than lying on it, if only to counter how incredible this is when he doesn't know how to take it. Something wraps itself around his dick and it probably shouldn't have taken him as long as it did to realize that it's Buck's hand. His lover is inside Eddie and above him, on his flesh and in his very being. His fingers tremble, their grip too feeble to count. 'I love you,' Buck's words ring in his ears again and he comes in a blaze of white.

Eddie's not entirely sure what happens next, only that he's somehow back in Buck's arms, collected into him, and while they're both on the floor, he's cushioned by the enclosure of muscles around him.

He's sleepy and Buck's chest is so comfortable, Eddie lays his head against it, at rest while his mind starts recovering from his orgasm. He's in need of bringing up old words again and perhaps that isn't wise, but he has no modicum of restraint left after his orgasm and considering how secure he feels right now. "You said it wouldn't mean anything," he brings it up, but it's not accusatory, as it was by the pond. It's an open question.

"I did," Buck replies. "I screwed up."

"Because you started having feelings for me after that?" Eddie has to admit that if it weren't for this drowsy state, he never would have dared ask anyone such a question.

"Because I already had feelings for you and on some level, I knew I was lying to both of us even then. God, Eddie, do you think I normally go around sleeping with married people? Yeah, I've fucked a lot of men and women, but... none of them were taken. You're the only one."

He likes hearing that on top of the earlier love confession, it lays a healing kiss on some of the wounds that he suffered through the years and he contentedly runs one finger along the definition between Buck's pecs. "I wouldn't have thought that you had any rules when it comes to sex with all of those stories that you shared with us at the course."

"Not rules exactly. I guess you can change a rule, you can bend or break it. What I have is more like boundaries, places I never want to go because I'm uncomfortable there. I could never stand the idea of overstepping with someone who was in a committed relationship. And then you came along and I couldn't take my mind off you. I felt you under my skin. And by the time I found out about your wife, it was too late and I'd already crossed my boundary. I never thought I'd do that for anyone."

To a huge degree, this makes Eddie preen at the implied compliment and he feeds off the recognition that he wasn't alone, that they were both in this despite their better judgment. But the mention of Shannon is a terrible reminder of what's still unresolved between them. Eddie's reluctant, but he has to say it out loud, unhappiness tainting his words, "But nothing's changed, not really. This is so broken, this whole situation. I don't know if it can be fixed." As he speaks, he also brushes his cheek back and forth across Buck's shoulder.

"Nah, we'll figure it out. It doesn't have to be tonight. Just so long as we're on the same page."

When they kiss again, with a passion that appears to never subside, Eddie's sure that they are and a touch of optimism relieves a knot that has resided inside of him for too long.

Hours later, when he gets home, Shannon's napping on the couch, Christopher's in his room and nothing's certain anymore.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to the sweet [Sylvia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/syllie1992/pseuds/syllie1992), it's so much fun that you caught on with us and are enjoying every chapter! xoxox
> 
> All feedback welcome, you can always drop it, questions, suggestions, prompts, at [my Tumblr](https://matan4il.tumblr.com/).

"A barbecue?" Eddie asks, eyebrows raised in disbelief.

"Yes, it's going to be so nice," Shannon repeats.

"I'm not sure everyone from the station can even fit on our front lawn."

"Alright, then instead of borrowing the grill from your grandmother's, we can ask her to have this event in her backyard."

"If we do that, Abuela's going to insist on making food for everyone and I don't want her slaving away for us."

"What if I go over and help her so she doesn't do all the work?"

"When has she ever accepted any help in the kitchen?"

"We can tell her in no uncertain terms that her help is unacceptable or you could even say that it would insult me if she does this. You can use me as the excuse here, Eddie, but I think we really need to have a nice celebration together with your work friends. That way, you don't have to stay out after shifts in order to hang out with them and we get more quality time with you. Oh, and then we can also thank Buck without having to entertain him ourselves during a dinner, everyone else will do it for us. It's a win win win situation."

Eddie sighs. "We'll talk about this when I get home, yeah?"

"Alright, I'll convince you after work. Bye, love you," she throws out in a sing-song voice. 

It always pinches something in his chest when she does that. He has to reply in the same manner, but the truth is that ever since she left them and returned, he hasn't meant it quite in the same way that he used to when he echoes, "Love you, too." 

The call is disconnected and he takes his seat back on the couch in front of the station loft's TV. Buck is sitting on the sofa across from him. They haven't changed their behavior patterns for the past week, but there's a hint of a smile at the corner of Buck's mouth and that gets its own warm spot, right by Eddie's heart, too big to fit in, the one where he's certain that it's for him. 

They're watching with amusement Hen kicking Chim's ass at a video game to his many objections, claiming that she must be cheating when the alarm goes off. Grabbing their gear, they all rush to the fire trucks and are on their way. 

They get to a demonstration in front of City Hall that has apparently gone out of control. Eddie reads the signs, tensing up. It's a protest in favor of gay sensitivity training for teachers and for the carers of older gay people in California. "Yeah, the governor vetoed the bills on this a couple of years ago," he hears Hen explaining and it's as if he's suddenly too visible for his own comfort. He resolutely puts it aside, shuts off everything that isn't professional. There had been medical teams on the scene already when this had started, but a counter-protest by a hate group has since infiltrated the area allocated by the police to the original demonstrators and the resulting fight between the two groups was so out of hand that it required back up.

Bobby sends Buck to help triage the non-critical injuries and Eddie to the sidelines, where several more serious cases are awaiting, people who have been dragged away from the altercation when there aren't enough paramedics there to take care of them. Eddie walks up to the woman that by eye he assesses is in the most dire of need. She's holding her right side and is doubled over in pain.

"Ma'am? I'm here to help, can you tell me what's the problem?"

"Oh, that guy over there," she points to a man holding a hate sign in his lap, who's seated not too far from her on the sidewalk, "punched me right here," she puts her hand back on her side.

"Can you describe the pain for me and how acute it is, on a scale of 1 to 10?" Eddie asks and listens to her answers. When she's done, he adds, "May I have a look at that?" and once he gets her permission, he carefully palpates the spot. His gut already has a suspicion and he places his gloved hand on a particular spot in order to check it. When he presses against it gently, she doubles over with pain and that's a huge clue for him. "Ma'am, I think the blow might have caused some damage to your spleen. We should get you on a transport to the hospital to have that checked out, they can also do tests that will confirm this beyond a shadow of a doubt, which we have no way of performing out here. Are you okay with going in?"

She looks at him with a face so contorted with pain, he's not the least bit surprised when she nods her head in agreement immediately. Good, patients refusing care is usually a much bigger risk factor in the field than the actual injuries.

"Captain, this is Diaz coming in. I have here a patient in need of priority transport, I'm going to need a gurney to carry her to the ambulance," he radios Bobby and he puts one hand on her arm for comfort. 

As Eddie straightens back up to have a look around for the gurney, the man who had thrown the punch at his patient stands up as well and strides over while spitting out, "Figures you'll take care of this fag-lover before good ol' God-fearing Americans," as he raises his fist.

Eddie doesn't stop to think about it, he cuts in to block the man's punch with his arm. For a sec he can't figure out if time is moving quickly or slowly, only noting how he and the fist are on a certain collision course. As it turns out, he stepped in quickly enough to stop the man from getting to the patient, but the blow still lands right on Eddie's face.

The pain shoots through him at an intensity which tells him that his nose has definitely been broken. While his one arm is still stretched out to keep the attacker away, his other hand flies to his nose, only to make him flinch with further agony. From the corner of his eye, he can spot Buck, jumping in and grabbing the assailant from behind, restraining him in less than a heartbeat. Eddie curses under his breath, distancing his fingers from his face and the amount of blood on them flashes Afghanistan through his mind for a second.

A voice comes in and cuts through the fog he didn't catch that he was in. 

"...ou okay? Eddie, are you okay?" 

It's Buck, naturally. His face and tone clearly state that if he weren't still holding on to the attacker, who continued struggling pointlessly in his arms, he would have been by Eddie's side, probably doing something incredibly stupid and wonderful.

"Yeah, I'm fine, it's just a nasal fracture," he responds, because somehow the medical term sounds less serious and he doesn't like Buck worrying about him.

"Well," Bobby's voice reaches him from his other side, "I still want you checked out. You're gonna ride that ambulance together with your patient," he says decisively, offering him an ice pack and pointing to the woman who's already been strapped to a gurney.

Eddie's instinct is to argue, but the two of them are probably safer if he won't. He cautiously places the ice pack over his nose and all the same, hisses at the sensations.

"Captain, shouldn't I go with him?" Buck questions. "I mean, someone should."

Bobby regards him with a neutral gaze, almost too much so, then answers, "He won't be alone, a paramedic from the 142 is already waiting on the ambulance for this lady. I'm sure he's more than capable of seeing to Eddie, as well."

A pat on the back from his Captain, one last look at Buck trying to convey there's no reason for alarm and Eddie begins to walk, following the gurney to his designated ride. He suddenly stops by Bobby and says, "Cap, when you speak to the police officers about this, can you please make sure to tell them that guy's motivation in both instances was homophobia? He should be charged for serious hate crimes." Eddie gets a nodded agreement and continues on his way.

* * *

The hospital corridor is endless whiteness, so much colder when someone enters it as a patient rather than a first responder. Eddie's sitting on one of the plastic seats held up in a wobbly manner over a metal rod that they make for some public spaces in lieu of proper chairs or a bench, right by the corner from the next hallway. The ice pack he was holding onto became useless, already transformed into lukewarm water during his long wait for a doctor, so he threw it away. Not that he was complaining, the hospital had to deal with an influx of injuries from the demonstration in addition to the usual emergencies and Eddie was well aware that he could wait his turn patiently. It was frustrating nonetheless when all they eventually did, predictably, was to check him, confirm his self-diagnosis, that it wasn't severe enough to require resetting and sign off on letting him go home. Now he was stuck here, waiting for a ride home. When the doctor was done with him and he called Shannon, there was no reply and he remembered she was in the middle of an adaptive surfing class with Chris, so Aunt Pepa it had to be.

Sitting here, Eddie could hear on occasion a pair of feet marching down the adjacent corridor and whenever he does, he's learned he could expect another worried patient or preoccupied nurse to show up from around the corner. Yet another one can be heard right now, but he's familiar with this particular walk. Sure enough, Buck emerges a second later from around the corner with an unreasonably cheerful smile considering they're at a hospital and Eddie's appearance. His nose is bruised, discolored and has swollen up to what feels like double its normal size, making him unhappy to be even seen.

"Well, you look terrible," Buck says with an irritating air of joy, taking the plastic seat next to him.

"Gee, thanks," he lets out sarcastically, "real Prince Charming."

"You're welcome," and he can't really stay mad when Buck flashes him that gorgeous bright smile. "Is it broken?"

He sighs. "Yep. Not that this was any surprise."

"Let me have a look," Buck says and he trails a thumb next to the injured area.

It's close enough to the inflammation that it sends a flare of pain through Eddie, who recoils. "Damnit," he's unable to stop himself from cursing.

"Sorry." Buck's eyes somehow stand out more in the middle of the cold white hallway with their caring, warm blue.

It's everything that Eddie needed at this moment. "What are you doing here?" It's supposed to be a protest, but he doesn't quite nail it.

"I wanted to see you at your modeling best, obviously." It's a tease, but he still grimaces at it before he can stop himself. Buck softly touches the back of his curled fingers to Eddie's jaw. "Don't worry," he adds in a hushed, only half-joking tone, "I'd still do you."

And even if it's not said explicitly, Eddie knows the real intent behind that.

It fills him up to the point where he thinks his cup might run over. Which he can't afford. "I'm glad you came, but you better go before my Aunt Pepa comes to pick me up," he says and it comes out much softer than it was supposed to.

Buck hesitates, like he doesn't want to leave Eddie's side, but then he nods in resignation. "Probably," he agrees and comes closer, his hand cupping Eddie's jaw to kiss him on the cheek. It's only partially successful, he pulls away, but Buck's palm prevents him from getting too far and a quick peck manages to connect. There's a moment of silence between them, not awkward or tense, simply careful as Buck studies him, before he clarifies his reasoning, "Nobody's paying attention to us here. They're too busy with their own emergencies to care."

Eddie scans the place quickly. They're pretty far from the nurses' station and everyone buzzing around that area gives the impression indeed that they couldn't be less concerned about anything beyond what's happening in their proximity.

Buck doesn't wait for an answer. He stands up, his jacket lumped in his hands, about to leave when his wrist is grabbed from behind by Eddie, who tilts his head up, not wanting them to part like this. Not only that, after how long they've been cut off from each other, he finds it harder to relinquish even a single kiss when there's an opportunity for one. That makes him suddenly self-conscious and unsure, wondering if he's not being pathetic, and he lets go hesitantly. Buck turns around and leans down towards him, rubs a thumb along Eddie's jaw and seals their lips together. They fit so easily one against the other, that it's just right when the kiss opens up and, still mindful of Eddie's fresh injury, deepens with a gentle sort of passion, their surroundings entirely forgotten.

And Eddie should have known that he's not that lucky. That nothing in his life is truly easy. Just as his fingers reach for Buck's wrist again, to help contain everything flowing through him, as their mouths part again, but their eyes are conversing, there's a noise next to them.

They probably both heard it before as well, Eddie would have probably also identified this set of steps, but he was beyond processing any external data while they were joined and now it's too late. Aunt Pepa's utter shock is a sight that he will probably never forget.

"Tia!"

"No, I... I don't think I can talk right now. I'm sorry." She turns, rounds the corner and he hears her leaving in a rush down the next corridor.

Eddie jerks out of his seat, takes two steps after her, glances back confusedly at Buck and then continues to pursue his aunt. He sees her getting into the elevator at the end of the hallway and running, he gets there in the nick of time, the doors are still open and he could slip in beside her, but he doesn't. The way she looks at him stops him dead in his tracks. The doors close in his face. He presses the button to call it back up after it has reached the entrance level, but he does so mindlessly, for lack of anything else he could do. 

Buck's footsteps quietly approach from behind him and he turns. "Are you going to try going after her or do you need a lift?"

He nods grimly. "Thanks. You'll have to drop me off a couple of blocks away, though."

He'll talk to Pepa the next day. He will, he'll sort this out. But he's tired now. And if shit is about to hit the fan with his aunt, at least he has Buck with him.

* * *

After Shannon made sure that Eddie was fine, or as close to that as he could be given the state of his aching, fractured nose, and that he wouldn't even have to take a special leave, his wife had some news. She informed him excitedly that when Bobby called to notify her of what had happened and to assure her that there was nothing to worry about, she talked to him about inviting over everyone at the 118 for a barbecue and it was as good as done. They set the date for Saturday that week.

"And don't worry about your grandma, I already talked to her. She agreed to help, I made sure she understood it's on the condition that I help her, it's all going to work out," she beams at him.

"That's great," he says and when the discomfort seems too apparent, he tags on, "We're going to have an amazing time."

"It's going to be the best!" Shannon appears beyond delighted at him giving in. "I already told Chris and he can't wait either!"

Another item on the list of things that aren't unfolding in Eddie's favor is that he didn't get to speak to Pepa the next day, either. He called, but she didn't pick up, which never happens. Even when she's at work, she'll usually take his call even if only to tell him that she can't talk. The unrest in the pit of his stomach growls louder with each unanswered phone call, as he weighs his options. Going over to her house isn't advisable if she's not in the mood to see him. He's already tried texting between the third call and the fourth. He supposes he has no other choice but to wait for her to get in touch with him. That's such an abnormal state for them, though. It only feeds his concern. There is one thing that he's not worried about, that his aunt won't say a thing to his wife. There's no love lost between the two of them and whatever else, she will understand the need to protect Christopher from a divorce.

The main bright spot is he has the day off after the 24 hours shift they just finished and that affords him some time alone with Buck. They're sitting together on their wooden log, the back of their fingers casually brushing back and forth together, their shoulders leaning against each other. Eddie has noted before with a strange sort of satisfaction that their height difference switches once they're both seated. He thought the gratification had to do with how perfectly Buck fit in his lap when straddling him, their mouths aligned at exactly the same level when kissing. But out here, by the pond, Eddie thinks it may be more about the way they sometimes strike him as if they were made for each other, one created to balance out the other.

"Do you want me to stay away from the barbecue on Saturday?" Buck asks.

Eddie's conscious of how unfair this is, but he's still relieved for the understanding and this offer. "No, if you're not there, it could seem weird and Shannon specifically mentioned that wanting to thank you was one of her reasons for doing this whole shindig."

Buck nods solemnly. Then he gazes at Eddie, with both eyebrows raised high, mischief glinting in his bright blue eyes. "We could have our own shindig right now," he suggests. 

"Hmmm?" Eddie exaggeratedly scrunches his face at the end of that, as he does now sometimes, because he's learned Buck liked it when he did that with Christopher.

"We could go into the pond. We said we would at some point."

"Yeah, but it's not warm enough for that yet."

Buck shrugs. "We don't have to wait. We're here, we're together. That's enough."

Eddie grins and shakes his head disbelievingly, but they're both beyond pretense, he's clearly about to agree. "We didn't bring swimming trunks and don't suggest our underwear, I'm not in the mood to go commando afterwards."

"Who's talking about wearing anything at all?" Buck's smile at him is positively sultry. "And then you can bend me over this log and fuck me so full and so hard, that I'll feel it on Saturday, too. I'll be walking around your barbeque, mingling with the other guests and only you will know that I'll be feeling you the entire time."

Eddie's fingers catch Buck's and interlink them. "Jesus," he mutters, "you're going to leave me nothing for the run back."


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to the wonderful [Idealuk](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Idealuk/pseuds/Idealuk), whose comments have been such an incredible source of support, thank you wholeheartedly! xoxox
> 
> All feedback welcome, you can always drop it, questions, suggestions, prompts, at [my Tumblr](https://matan4il.tumblr.com/).

Buck is stunning. He takes Eddie's breath away. If he could, he'd pin the man against the nearest surface and kiss him until they were both short on air. But after the hospital, Eddie would rather not even entertain such thoughts. The fact that his Abuela was here for the barbeque, but his aunt, who would normally at least stop by to say hello, was not, it definitely stung, not to mention it could arouse suspicion. If Eddie has one thing going for him, it's that he does his utmost to learn from past mistakes. It's just a shame his brain seems to disagree with him and keeps losing it over Buck being a mouthwatering sight to behold in the clothes he's wearing for this event, a white t-shirt and over it a thin blue jacket which brings out his eyes, sleeves rolled up and jeans that are far too tight around his waist.

It's hardest to resist the urge during the moments when he's with Chris. When Buck first arrived, Shannon made sure to shake his hand and discreetly thank him for his help, away from anyone's earshot. Christopher, who's been playing host to everyone and enjoying the role, makes his way quickly over as well. Eddie's standing too far away to be able to overhear their conversation, but the way they hug does not escape his notice. Nor does the way that even as Buck moves about and chats to the other guests, he periodically returns to Chris, talking to and laughing with him. It's irresistibly attractive.

Which is why it's too dangerous for Eddie to step away from the grill, where he keeps all of his attention on preparing the seasoned meat skewers and steaks. Every once in a while, Shannon shows up with another full plate for him, in between helping in the kitchen and chatting to their guests. Meanwhile, Bobby's been kind enough to stand by him the entire time, helping him dispense the food to everyone else and pretending he's not hinting when to flip what over or take something that's ready off the grill.

"Here, have some more," Shannon approaches them with a jovial smile. 

"Thank you," Eddie takes the plate from her hands and sets it by his side.

"That's odd," she says, subtly hinting at Buck, who's talking to Hen. "I thought he'd be here with Bosko. I wonder what happened."

"I have no idea," Bobby replies and Eddie recognizes his Captain voice taking over.

"I'm disappointed," Shannon goes on. "I was looking forward to seeing her again, they make a cute couple."

"Who makes a cute couple?" Chim interjects, the plate he's carrying empty, making it clear he came back for more food, though if there's gossip to be had, he'll feast on that, too.

"Buck and Bosko, I wonder if everything is alright with them," she replies.

"Kind of hard to be alright when your boyfriend is gay," Chimney says and waves his empty plate at Eddie, who takes it and busies himself with re-stocking it as if it were the most important thing he'd ever done in his life.

"Gay?" Shannon asks, incredulously.

"We don't know that," Bobby interjects, calmly putting down yet another fire. "We've recently learnt that Buck has been hanging out at a gay club, but as Hen rightfully pointed out, we don't know by which label he identifies and we shouldn't assume," he says diplomatically. "I'm mainly happy that since everyone knows and we're allies, Buck actually seems to be getting along even better with the rest of the team."

"Oh," she lets out, "I'm very happy for him. I'm just surprised, that's all."

She leaves, but after that, she hovers around more. Once Bobby next steps away to get Athena some food, she dives in. 

"Why didn't you tell me he was gay?" She doesn't beat around the bush, continuing on from their earlier conversation. 

"Like Hen said, he could be bi. Besides, how was I supposed to know until we found out about that club?"

"How are you so unobservant? People can tell these kinds of things, especially when they spend a lot of time together."

Eddie shrugs, focusing on the steaks as if when he should turn them over was a matter of life and death. "It's just not a question I ever needed answered, I guess."

He presumes that her curiosity is satisfied with this, because he gets more space after that. A while later, he's done with the grill and is free to walk around and chat to the people they have over. Even though he keeps his distance, his awareness never leaves Buck.

He's speaking to Chim and John when Eddie's bottle of beer has run empty and he heads inside to grab another one from the fridge. He crosses the corridor and enters the kitchen, gets his beer, but before he has the chance to wander out, he hears voices conversing in the hallway and he's struck with terror.

"I don't think that you should be here," he hears Aunt Pepa saying.

"Ma'am, I promise you, I'm not doing anything," Buck replies, "I'm just another guest, on my way to the bathroom."

"Pepa?" Eddie walks into the corridor, his surprise at her presence evident in his tone.

"Edmundo. I decided to stop by after all, but that was clearly a mistake. I'll say hello to your Abuela and then I'll leave."

She starts heading for the yard, when Eddie calls out, "Tia?" She stops. He feels like he's suffocating when he asks her, "You won't tell Abuela anything, will you?"

Her response rings with disappointment. "Edmundo Diaz. That I should see the day when you ask me to keep secrets from my own mother..."

She walks out and he's nauseous with the fear of what she might say, in the backyard, while other people, including Shannon, are about. He turns to Buck, who's plainly at a loss and pale. "I'm sorry, I think you should go." Eddie catches him nodding before rushing out to the yard.

He stands by Abuela and Pepa's side and a bit to the back, as they talk and is relieved that his aunt says nothing. She doesn't spare him a look before she departs.

* * *

The guests have all left and Christopher has already been tucked into bed, exhausted and happy. Eddie comes into the bathroom after Shannon, who's brushing her teeth, and he joins her there. It's a nightly ritual that used to be a time for them to talk. They may do it today yet, his wife keeps stealing glances at him and whatever's on her mind, she's most likely about to confront him with it.

She spits, washes her mouth with water and reaches for her night facial cream. Then she stops, assessing him through the bathroom mirror. "Is there something that I need to know?" There it is. Quiet, but tense. He makes his best confused expression at her, as if he can't even understand her train of thought. She turns to face him. "Has Buck hit on you? Is that why you didn't want me to invite him over for dinner?"

Everything spins violently around Eddie while he keeps his gaze locked onto hers, one constant point in space, the best manner of fighting off a dizzy spell. "Where did you get that crazy idea?" he asks and wonders if even he would have believed himself, it sounds so contrite a deflection.

"Are you seriously calling me crazy?" she takes a step back and anger laces her voice.

"Come on, Shannon. I don't want to argue," he clings to anything he could say that is true.

"Then talk to me, don't dismiss me! Something was wrong today and I want to know what..."

"We shouldn't have invited him." 

"Who, Buck?"

"Some people on the team really liked Bosko, it's brought up some tension," Eddie offers the only thing he can think of that might get her to back off.

"But didn't Bobby say the team and him were getting along better?"

"A captain doesn't always see everything that goes on with the team, even a good one."

"Well, we couldn't have invited your entire team and not him."

"Then maybe we shouldn't have invited anyone over," he suggests and his honest upset with her for arranging the whole thing behind his back trickles through the cracks.

"Oh, so now it's my fault you've been acting out of it this whole afternoon?" she crosses her arms in front of her.

"No, of course not. I just don't know what you want me to say."

Without replying or even uncrossing her arms, Shannon walks out.

The panic that's been building up in him all day doesn't subside when she does. Too much has happened. Pepa, finding out and disapproving of him with another man. Abuela, quite possibly learning about this soon and having a similar reaction, rejecting him as well. His teammates, inadvertently disclosing information that could harm him. Buck, in a confrontation he couldn't possibly come out unscathed from. And Shannon, getting so much closer to the truth than she should have.

As Eddie's left alone in front of the mirror, he's stuck on his reflection, taking in the lingering traces of his nasal injury, his stubble, his tired eyes. He wonders who he is, this man staring back at him. What makes him happy and whether happiness is his goal in life. What makes him tick. He thinks about the little boy he read a good night story to half an hour ago, because whenever he's had similar questions, Chris was always the answer. That's never going to change, no matter who else is in his life or where it takes him. His son has to come first.

He finishes rinsing his mouth, puts down the brush and switches off the light.

* * *

Eddie strides over to the door of Buck's loft with more confidence than he actually possesses. He knocks on the door with determination, repeats that after a few moments, rings the bell and when no one answers despite all of that, he reaches into his pocket. Of course he has the key to this apartment on him. He opens the door and lets himself in, calling out for Buck.

Eddie finds him on the balcony. He's got a hoodie pulled up, covering his head, reminiscent of intimate times that they've spent together in the woods. It makes this harder, but then again, this was never going to be easy. 

"Took you long enough," Buck welcomes him dryly.

"You were waiting for me?" Eddie asks, coming to stand by his side, pained over seeing Buck this way, like somebody has switched him off.

"I figured with how your Tia reacted... while your wife was close by, you'd drop in and tell me what you decided." His every word is pronounced clearly and with a great effort, like if only Buck puts enough into each one, it could mask the crack in them.

"Decided?"

"About us."

Eddie taps one finger against the balcony railing. 

"I think you have to leave. This has to be finished and if we're around each other, we're never going to be over this. The team at station six was interested in you at the end of the course, right? I can't see any other solution, you should put in a request for another transfer."

He wishes with everything he had that he wasn't saying this. It's not like trying to untangle himself from Buck when Shannon had returned from Mary's, it's so much worse. When they had just met, Eddie struggled to admit to himself his own attraction, though eventually he did. When his wife returned and he tried to break things off, he was failing to recognize that he had come to need Buck, as well as want him. Now he knows both these things to be true. He's got no denial left in him and yet, he still has to make this choice.

Buck's quiet for a bit, then, "Eddie?"

"Yes?"

"You'll say goodbye to Chris for me?" When he gets no answer, he adds, "If I have to do it myself, I'm not sure I'll be able to leave."

Christopher is the only mantra strong enough in Eddie's mind to stop him at that moment from taking Buck's hand in his and putting an end to this transfer idea. Instead, he takes out the key he used to get in and places it on the balcony table before he goes.

* * *

Four shifts without Buck. Eddie's been counting them, how could he possibly not? He'll continue to, for a long time to come, he'd wager and wonders how long it will last.

It hasn't gotten easier since the shift when they were all lounging about and Bobby called them over for a brief announcement. "Everyone, I have an update that I have to share with you. Firefighter Buckley and I talked yesterday. I'm sad to inform you that he has officially asked for a transfer. He's also requested a special leave until his transfer takes effect. I'm not at liberty to say more, but..." he pauses as his captain facade slips for a second. "Look, I know we've all been very fond of Buck, he fit in nicely here and we're more than a team, we're a family. It's always difficult to see a family member go. If anyone needs me, I'm available. I'm not sure when we'll get a replacement, so for the time being, we're going to work extra hard to compensate for that, alright? Thank you all."

They all did precisely what Bobby asked for, but to Eddie, working without Buck was like being forced, out of the blue, to function without an arm. It was doable, but it was going to take some getting used to and if given the choice, nobody would make this one. But Eddie has run out of options, so he has to make do. Buck is his phantom limb. It still hurts and it probably always will.

Four shifts. And he's returning home tired, hoping to crawl into bed and forget everything. The dreams of Buck reaching out for him have returned. They don't wake him like they used to, this time he's not fooled into believing they're real, not even in his sleep. Buck's left the team and Eddie behind. So instead, there's a certain comfort in them. It's the only opportunity Eddie has to see Buck again.

When he enters the living room, he can make out Shannon's silhouette in the dark, sitting in an uncomfortable position at the edge of the couch, almost off it.

"Why are the lights off?" he asks and goes to switch them back on.

"I talked to Bobby today." That stops him. She stands up. "I've been meaning to call him and apologize if I was poking a hornet's nest by inviting everyone over when there are issues within the team. And of course, I did the polite thing, I thanked him first... for being understanding about how you couldn't do those extra shifts anymore or stay back after work. Guess what? He had no clue what I was talking about."

"Shannon, I..."

"No!" she jumps up with a shout. "You don't get to talk! All you do is lie, Eddie," she spits his name out with venom, "I'm not going to let you do that anymore. It all makes sense now, all the things I was driving myself crazy over, trying to understand them and to believe you at the same time. And I was right about you, all along. I was right that you wouldn't fuck over a fellow firefighter by secretly screwing his girlfriend. I just didn't realize," she lets out a hysterical, breathy sort of laugh, "you'd actually be fucking him." Her voice breaks by the end of the sentence. "I was right, wasn't I? I was, but I don't even know who you are."

Eddie comes closer to her, reaches out to calm her down, but she jerks away instantly from him.

"Don't you dare, don't you dare touch me!" Her shouting becomes more intense, it's hurt and desperate, the shrillness piercing through him. "Take your cheating hands off me, you never get to touch me again!" Bile rises in his throat.

He puts his hand over the lower half of his face, shutting his mouth, pressing his fingers hard against the flesh.

"Well?" she asks. "Aren't you going to say anything?"

He would like to be able to, but every single thing that comes to his mind strikes him like it couldn't possibly make matters better, most would probably make them worse.

Shannon waits and when she finally speaks, her tones are lower again. "I packed things for me and Christopher earlier and took him and everything to Mary's. I can't think long term right now, but I also can't be under the same roof with you. And I'm not leaving him again."

"I'm..." Eddie tries, but he's not sure how to finish that. Sorry? He is. But Shannon is going to ask him sorry for what and there will be no good answer.

She shakes her head at him and takes a step forward. "What a disappointment you turned out to be. My knight in shining armor," her sarcasm is overrun with disbelief. "Guess your parents were right about you after all."

It stings, which is obviously what she wanted and he imagines she can see her success reflected on his face. But what she doesn't get is that what really hurts is the fear of what he might have lost already. She's taken Christopher away from him and under these circumstances, Eddie doesn't get to protest a thing. So he begs instead. "Shannon... Shannon, please don't..."

She stares at him like he was mad and walks out the house. As he hears the door click closed behind him, his limbs are heavy, like they've become entirely useless. Firefighters are supposed to be so strong, yet nothing about any of his supposed strength had the power to stop this.

He turns towards the kitchen. There's the wine supply that Shannon keeps in the cabinet there. He takes out two unopened bottles and goes to sit outside, on the back lawn. The house is too nice and comfortable for him, he doesn't deserve it. As he goes on drinking, the temperature progressively drops, and his clothes aren't thick enough to keep him warm. Which is fine, because this is what he was after. The numbing effect of too much cold and too much alcohol.

It doesn't work. He doesn't feel his distress any less. All he is, while consuming the wine, is cold, terrified and sad beyond measure. Tears begin to roll down his face, but it isn't crying. The tears are the only thing to come out, not the pain. There is no relief in this.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter dedicated to the lovely [Millie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loyalty2WayStreet/pseuds/mylittleshipgoestoot), thank you for flooding my DMs with those wonderful updates on reading this fic! xoxox
> 
> Feedback is welcome! Always feel free to drop that, questions, suggestions, prompts, etc. on me at [my Tumblr](https://matan4il.tumblr.com/).

Eddie wakes up with the worst hangover of his life. He's not sure how, but he at least managed to drag himself inside and onto the living room sofa the night before. Or to be more exact, sometime in the small hours of the morning. He sniffs himself and realizes that he smells almost as wretched as he feels. Having woken up to everything that he doesn't have anymore, there really is no other state he could be in.

But he's intent on fixing the situation. He clearly can't do that in his current shape, so he starts there. He's got no appetite, but he grabs an apple from the kitchen anyway and forces himself to eat it. Something shoved into his stomach is better than nothing. Once he's had minimal nutrition, he heads for the shower. He has to look presentable. It's quick and basic, but it does the job. He pulls out an outfit from his closet without paying attention to what it is. All he needs is to get going as soon as he can.

He leaves the house and drives to Mary's. Knocks on her door when he gets there and waits. Counts the minutes it takes for the noise of shuffled feet to make it to the entrance.

Mary opens the door. She stands there and waits, doesn't so much as greet him.

"Morning," Eddie says clumsily.

"And so it is."

"Is Shannon in? I'd like to talk to her," he states the obvious. There's no other reason for him to be here first thing in the morning, but Mary is clearly not going to make his life easier in any way.

"She doesn't want to talk to you."

Some resistance is natural, he reminds himself, it's to be expected. He has to be prepared for it and stay the course. "Mary, Shannon and I have to work things out and make it better, please, if I can come in..."

She shuts the door unceremoniously. For a moment he's shocked and unsure what to do next. But he can't go, he has to try again. If he doesn't act now, he may not ever have a chance to fix this. He waits a few minutes, with the burden of how important this is pressing down on him.

When the internal pressure gets to be too much, Eddie knocks on the door again, more insistently now. He doesn't let up, certain that Mary is standing right by the other side, watching for him to go away. He rings the doorbell and pounds on the wood until she caves in and opens up. "This isn't going to change anyth..." she starts, but Eddie doesn't listen to her.

"Shannon," he shouts into the hallway directly behind Mary. "Shannon, please, we have to talk. Please! Sha..." He abruptly stops when she emerges out of the corridor. "Please," he says again, quieter this time.

"You don't have to," Mary turns to her, but Shannon nods at her friend.

"It's fine. Can you give us a minute?"

Mary goes reluctantly, giving Eddie one last dirty look before she does. Once they're alone, Shannon comes closer to the door, but doesn't step outside, her body blocking the entrance in a clear message that he can't come in either. 

Eddie doesn't exactly have a plan. All he's got is this one idea that he's gambling his whole future on. Shannon was obviously upset by the lies. He can't fix what he's done, but he can give her the truth as a peace offering and a first step to regain her trust.

But now that he has her attention, he's not sure how to start. "Please, Shannon, I don't want to lose you two. I'm..."

"Is that all you came here for?" she cuts him off when he's hesitating.

"You deserve the truth," he manages to add.

"Alright," she narrows her eyes at him, like she's trying to assess whether what he's about to say to her would be that. "Let's hear it."

"You were right. I was having... an affair with Buck." It's weird to say it out loud for the first time in this context.

"Hmmm," is all she lets out, but it implies that it's not enough and she's expecting something she didn't already know.

That makes him struggle, her lack of reaction. He offers the next piece of truth that he hopes won't cause too much damage between him and his wife. "I'm not really sure how it happened. It started after the course."

"Huh, is that supposed to be a relief?"

"No, I don't... I mean, it wasn't an easy thing to fall into. It didn't happen right away."

"Oh, when you were far away from me, you were fine, but it was coming back to our home that made it too much for you not to cheat on me?"

"I didn't... Shannon, maybe there are things that you want to ask me? We can try and build our trust back if we're honest."

"We? If we," she repeats the emphasis, "are honest, Eddie? Don't put this on me. I never cheated on you. I never lied to you. I didn't deserve to be treated like this."

He hangs his head. "No, you didn't."

"You want me to ask questions, Eddie? Okay. Let's start with this one. Are you gay? Was everything we used to have fake all along?"

"What? No, I'm not gay. Of course it was real. Come on, Shannon. You said it yourself, you do know me. If you could figure out when something was off, then you have to know on some level that what we had was real."

She contorts her lips with discontent, but nods. "So what, bisexual?"

He tilts his head to one side, to the other and weighs the word. "I guess. I never really thought about it, but... yeah. It fits."

"Fine. Next question. Was the sex good with him, was it worth hurting me for?"

"It wasn't..." Eddie stalls, hoping it might get him off the hook, but she won't budge and he ends up uncertainly mumbling, "It was different."

"Well." Shannon's lips are pursed together in barely contained anger. "Thank you for your honesty." She surveys him coldly, "You can leave now."

"But... Shannon, please. Won't you please come back and let us try again? If you know everything now, we have a real chance. And we have Christopher to think about, our son needs us both..."

"If you cared about your son so much," she leans forward, "you should have thought of that before you cheated on his mother," she's not losing her cool, but her rage spills out despite her calm demeanor, like small, repeated jabs to his chest. She pulls back and straightens back up. "I'm not sure yet what to do. But you should probably go. The longer you're here, the less I want to come back." 

"Can I at leas..." He doesn't get to ask to see Christopher since for the second time that morning, the door gets slammed in his face with his son on the other side, out of his reach.

* * *

Talking to Pepa is out of the question, Eddie's given up phoning her after a while. She never takes the call and her anger and rejection come out all too loudly through that. Avoiding a talk with Abuela is impossible, though he does his best, constantly coming up with one flimsy excuse after another when she rings him, because he can't tell her Christopher might be gone for good and have that become a reality.

At work, there's a Buck-shaped void in everything and it's not becoming any smaller as time goes by. If that's not bad enough, there's also a certain distance he's now keeping from his teammates. Logically, he's conscious that they've done nothing wrong and whatever happened is his fault. But he's not been very logical about any of this, if he's being honest with himself, so it's not a shock that he's begun resenting them, as if they were somehow responsible for Buck not being there. He pulls away from them like he never has before and barely talks to them when they're at the station. In the field, he collaborates with them like nothing has changed, but something has and it's affecting their effectiveness. This is why it matters for a fire team to be essentially one family, but they're not anymore and he can't change that.

On the days he has off work, Eddie's slowly going mad in the house all by himself. He's done all he could to concentrate on mundane chores for a few days there, like cleaning every room, doing the laundry, mowing the lawn and re-organizing some of the furniture, to end up putting it all back in place, in case Shannon wouldn't like it. 

He calls Mary's home once daily, hoping for a chance to speak to Chris, but there's never a response. He doesn't do more than that, searching for a balance between his need to contact his son and not wishing to upset his wife any further.

Eddie's tried to go running through the forest several times, but he never made it even half way down the path before memories and loneliness forced him to turn around and go back.

The house isn't even the shadow of a home anymore, it's barely even the place where he lives, since this doesn't feel like living. It's just passing the time until his wife returns with their son. If she does. Every passing day makes that 'if' grow larger, looming over him.

He's waiting and missing his son and the man who loved him, misses them every waking hour, with every breath. Their past presence haunts the house. The other day, Eddie went into Christopher's room and played around with a few of the toys Shannon didn't take with them. He laid down on his son's bed. Not for long. He wanted to see if it would make him feel closer to his kid. It didn't. It just made Eddie feel like he's become a ghost himself.

Nothing helps.

After a week, Eddie breaks and goes to see Christopher by the school gates, promises himself he'll stand at a distance and not make a scene. He just can't go on without seeing his kid. Shannon and Chris don't show up right on time, but when they do arrive, it fills Eddie to the brim with both joy at seeing his son and an ache at not being able to walk over, talk to or even simply hug him. 

But he notices his wife as well. She seems at peace. Not exactly happy, but there was a burden she was carrying on her shoulders that he hadn't recognized until now. The clarity hits him like that flash of lightning through a thunderstorm, too bright and terrible all at once. Shannon might be willing to return to him for their child's sake... but she shouldn't. She didn't deserve to feel like she was cheated on or to be constantly miserable.

Eddie goes back to his empty house and that evening, he doesn't call Mary's.

He showers instead and goes through his closet, seeking out his most flattering clothes. This has been on his mind all day. That if his family is about to shun him, that if Shannon really might not come back, that if his custody of Chris is up in the air anyway... that means he's lost Buck for nothing. He can't fix anything else, no matter what he's willing to sacrifice for that, but Eddie can do one thing right. He can go after Buck. He could mend at least one part in each of them which had been broken.

He's called a few times, but there's been no answer and he couldn't pretend to be surprised. Never mind, it made no difference really, because this was something he was going to make up for in person anyway.

He takes his time more than he did for any of his date nights with Shannon. Dresses up in clothes that compliment him, styles his hair, puts on some aftershave. This is new, dressing up for Buck, and Eddie rather likes it. He allows himself a momentary daydream of how it could be, the two of them living there with Christopher, as they did when Shannon was away, going out on a date occasionally. Not to attempt to manufacture something between them that was long gone, but because they'd want to spend that time together and preserve what they did have.

Eddie makes it to Buck's loft and stops before the door. He's locked out and suddenly he has to consider all the things that could go wrong, everything he didn't even entertain before. He raises his fist to tap on the door and notes that his hand is trembling slightly. He ignores that and knocks. No reply from inside. He waits a bit and tries again. Rings the bell. Repeatedly. Even when the knocks get louder, nothing at all happens in reaction on the inside, there's not a single sound or sign of life coming from in there. Panic takes over Eddie and the scenes from too many calls play out in his mind's eye. He no longer has a key, so before he has a chance to think it through, he's kicking at the door's lock with enough force to make it shift a little, then ramming his whole body, shoulder first, into the point he'd just weakened. 

The door gives way and he's inside an empty apartment.

He looks around it quickly as he takes the stairs to the bedroom. Absolutely everything's been packed and removed, even the bed, as if Buck had never been here. As though they had never spent their days here.

The windows are open and the curtains are moving with the wind coming in. Eddie's legs give out and he slips to the cold floor. He was too late. Buck is gone and there is no mending this. It's taken Eddie so long to work out some basic things that he's lost everything. He would rage, but the last few months have left him too depleted to be able to. He wants to cry, even that reliefless fall of tears, but it doesn't come. For lack of choice, he settles on sitting there, staring at nothing, until he'll be even a fragment of alright enough to get up.

He sits there for a really long time.

* * *

For almost two weeks, he stops by Buck's apartment daily. When he discovers that someone has fixed the lock on the door, Eddie comes to stand there and stare at it for some time. On the third or fourth day, he can't tell anymore, a neighbor passes him by in the hallway and eyes him suspiciously, so he switches to standing in the street below instead, watching the balcony they used to look out from.

He also goes to Christopher's school whenever he can be there at the right time to see him being dropped off or picked up, until Shannon walks up to him one day, after she's kissed their son goodbye. "You need to stop showing up here like this, Eddie. The other parents have started gossiping. That's not doing Chris any favors."

He hadn't considered that. "You're right. I'll drop it. But Shannon, I have to see him. I miss him every day and I'm sure he misses and needs me, too."

She appears to be mulling this over briefly, but then all she says is, "We'll talk," before she walks away from him. And Eddie hears enough in her tone to know it's not looking good for him. 

Which is probably why he's putting on an old t-shirt that's too tight, about to head out. This is a bad idea and he's fully accepting of that, he just can't give a damn anymore. He leaves the house for that gay club he and Buck visited.

When he gets in, the place is packed, the music loud and the dancefloor too crowded. A few men are already leering at him, but even though he's dipped into Shannon's wine stash a bit before he left, he's too sober for this. He pushes between sweaty, grinding bodies to get to the bar and lets loose. He needs all the alcohol he can get.

At first he looks around at the men dancing, many of them with their tops off. He was curious what his reaction to them might be. If he's bisexual, like Shannon forced out of him, he should find at least some of them attractive. He sort of does, but in a distant manner. It might not be them, it could be him, everything's been coming at him in waves through a veil of greyness ever since he broke into Buck's apartment and even the most appealing, semi-naked body around can't seem to break through.

Four drinks later and he can no longer feel his body or how he's dancing. He's holding his arms up in the air and banging his head along to the drum beat like it's the greatest musical piece he's ever heard, thrashing his body about. Maybe it's incredibly embarrassing to watch him do this, maybe not, he has no idea and can't give a damn what anybody else thinks either way.

Several men come up to him while he dances and objectively speaking, they look good. They start running their hands over him, but he pulls away each time and they take the hint, leaving him alone. Two or three more drinks in, he can't count anymore, another guy approaches Eddie. The man's face looks nothing like Buck's and he's also not as impressively built as him, but then who is? Nobody at this club could ever compare and Eddie is finally too drunk and tired for his own good, ready to throw in the towel on finding someone who can pass for his ex-lover. He doesn't push this new guy away, because it's fine. He'll just shut his eyes and imagine. Eddie lets the man's eager hands do whatever they want all over his body, touch and grope away. He dances closer, numbly. There's a mouth that lands on his neck at some point, he can't even tell when and he sure as hell can't feel a thing. Which is good and horrible all at once.

When the guy seems to be confident enough about his chances, he suggests going somewhere more private and starts pulling Eddie over to the bathrooms. Even though he's been there already and has experienced the sticky floors and questionable hygiene, he allows himself to be dragged in there. The stranger leads them into a stall and as soon as they're both inside, he locks the door and shoves Eddie's back against the plastic wall. The guy tries a kiss, but he's immediately pushed away. He doesn't give up and next, he's on Eddie's neck in less than a second, like some gross vampire. There's hardly any sensation attached to this, no matter how long the guy's mouth keeps working. It's a weird sort of feeling, absence on skin, but then this man pushes Eddie's shirt up and awareness does trickle in as the guy begins to slobber his way down. His target is obvious since his hands have already moved to the jeans that he'll be aiming to unbuckle and his tongue has come out to play, clearly tracing the direction that he's going in.

Eddie looks down at him with both fascination and detachment. This man is putting in a good deal of effort, he truly is and yet he makes absolutely no difference. Buck could make the very bones of Eddie crack with desire just by looking at him sometimes. For a second, he's floating just far enough outside of his body that he can see this scene as Buck would if he had walked in on them. His face would convey every emotion that would course through him, sorrow, disgust, disappointment. Love. Underneath it all, there'd still be love and caring from which everything else would have stemmed, even when Eddie has stopped caring about himself.

"No," he mutters weakly and when the guy doesn't get it or doesn't hear him and keeps moving down, Eddie shoves the unwanted attention off. Even in a drunken stupor like this, he's strong enough to put an end to this, clunkily unlock the door and flee out of the bath stall.

He gets out of the club and searches for a spot where he can throw up. He's nauseous enough that he thinks he will, but he ends up only dry heaving, which makes it worse. He stumbles his way to his truck, dimly aware that he's too intoxicated to drive without putting others at risk. He gets into the vehicle and in the driver's seat he wonders what the hell to do next.

Who can he even call to get him home? He's got no one.

That thought crystallizes in his mind, brutal and bleak, made worse by the knowledge that it wasn't so until not that long ago. He places his hands on the driving wheel, then a moment later, he starts banging them against it, he beats it for everything that has gone wrong, for all the things he's lost, for the anger, fear and frustration, for how adrift he has become.

He runs out of steam long after his palms hurt too much to go on and that brings his outburst to a halt. He's breathing hard from the effort, but at least he has an idea on who to call.

He picks up the phone and dials his Captain's number.

"Bobby?" he asks when a sleepy voice answers him. "I'm sorry to wake you up at this hour. I need your help. I don't... I don't think I can go on like this."

* * *

Having a conversation with Bobby in his office helped. Just spelling out everything that's been destroying him made it a bit better. And now someone got to hear him talk about Buck. That he wasn't just another firefighter at the 118 to Eddie. That he mattered. Was vital, in fact. And some things will simply never be the same without him.

Bobby listened patiently, with a comforting look on his face and a sympathetic lilt when he spoke. "I can see why you two would get together, you made a great team," he said and a part of Eddie wondered if his Captain's lack of expressed surprise was down to years of experience in this role or if he had already somehow guessed what they were to each other. Eddie didn't ask, mostly he was clinging onto this reaction, that there was one person out there who could recognize that they were good together.

"We were," he agreed quietly. 

"Of course," his Captain added, "you don't have to tell the team anything if you don't want to. I will always hold your confidence." 

He reflected on this. His instinct was still to keep it all to himself, but having lost all he held dear, he supposed it left him with more possibilities. "I'll think about it."

"Alright, I'll tell you what," Bobby continued, "we're going to set up a few sessions for you with Frank. I'm sure he can do a lot of good for you and, well... this is work adjacent, since the two of you met on the job. No need for you to throw away money better used on Chris in order to book therapy. Also, I..." he shuffled through the stack of papers on his table until he picked out one specific sheet. "I was notified yesterday that they have a special exercise set up to take place soon for all the graduates of the advanced training course you met Buck on. I wasn't convinced there was a point sending you there, but maybe it could help. Go back to the beginning and there, assess where you want to advance to?"

Eddie was not as sold on this, but he had no alternatives and he was also too grateful to Bobby to say no. "Okay," he agreed. "Sign me up."

The special exercise is beginning this morning, it's about to last three days and is structured a lot like the course. He has already dropped his bags off and changed into his running gear. 

Eddie's on that track again, oval and unending, the familiarity alone giving it the air of a repeated dream, heightened by the well known sounds of feet and strenuous breaths from all the men there and the looming trees on the horizon, closing in. He's running way behind everyone else, overwhelmed at first by the sense of deja vu the scene holds. His first run here returns to him in vibrant details, crystal clear in his mind. Buck's nape when he was ahead of them all. Eddie picks up his pace, passes the bunch of men he's running with, one by one. It's easy. He doesn't even break a sweat. He keeps going until he overtakes all of them, leading the pack, as Buck once did. He could cut himself some slack now, they're not likely to bypass him, but he doesn't stop and instead, he goes faster. None of them can reach him. The knowledge disperses throughout his body with every lap. None of them can beat him. He's lost everything he has ever cared about, there is no weight tying him down, slowing his strides. No lies, no pretense. Right now, on this course, he can feel it in full. He's himself and is known or can choose to be known by everyone in his life. He's free.

The trees around the track blend in around him until he forgets he's not in the forest. This is a dream. It can be. If he only runs fast enough. There'll be Buck ahead of him, sneaking a peek back, challenging him, daring him to do better, to catch up to him.

Eddie completes the required miles ahead of everyone else. He doesn't let up. Neither does the track. The forest is beyond this compound, within reach. The image of the man who loved him, whom he lost, is an evasive apparition and an undeniable presence, driving him on. None of the others can challenge him like Buck did, here or anywhere else. Nobody can make him better, like that man has. Eddie's unstoppable on this run. Because he's free. 

He's truly and completely free.

And he's never been so alone.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The truth is I never intended on dedicating chapters individually, but when the readers of this fic were making me so happy, I had to do something to express my joy and gratitude. That means every single one of you who has read this fic, who has commented, who has left kudos, who has said even one kind word in the tags of a Tumblr reblog, in a Tumblr ask or in DMs. I have seen everything and it all meant so much. I wish I could continue this fic and spread it across more chapters just so I could dedicate them to even more of you. So this final chapter is dedicated to everyone with all of my thanks and love. You've made posting this fic, which I stressed about a lot in the four months of writing it, a truly amazing experience and I can't thank you all enough! xoxox
> 
> I will post on [my Tumblr](https://matan4il.tumblr.com/) in the next few days about the Easter eggs in this fic and if anyone has any questions, or if you feel like leaving feedback or prompts, please don't hesitate to contact me there!

The team is sitting on the couches in front of the television in the station loft. It's a pretty routine day and they're just chatting about random things. Chim has been going on for several minutes about some crazy story he's heard of a dispatcher in Texas who got a call from outer space.

"No, I'm telling you, she picks up and the guy on the line tells her he's an astronaut trying to reach Houston," he insists.

"Buck and I had an affair," Eddie blurts out. It's not the right moment for this. He's been wanting to come clean with his teammates ever since he's returned from the special exercise and started seeing Frank regularly, but he's been waiting for the right opportunity. This was clearly not it and yet Eddie pushes the words out, because he might as well. Because if he doesn't act right now, if he keeps waiting, holding on to this pretext, he may lose his courage and never do it. It will probably never feel like the right moment anyway, not as long as he's scared. Telling Bobby eased a lot of his burden, but that doesn't make telling the rest of the team any easier.

Hen lays her hand comfortingly on his. "I had a hunch. I'm glad you told us, Eddie. And I'm sorry for you that he's gone."

He wants to tell her this means more to him than he's capable of expressing. Frank may be working with him on verbalizing emotions, but it's going to be a long time until Eddie has the words to tell her how much this truly helps. "I sort of pushed him to it," he admits. "I couldn't leave Shannon because of Chris."

There's a shadow that passes over Hen's face momentarily and he wonders if she was reminded of her own history with Karen. Doubt creeps in that he probably should have kept his mouth shut, but then her expression is back to focused and her hand squeezes his warmly. "Was it serious?"

He closes his eyes, fills his chest, before he responds. "If the circumstances were different, it probably could have been, yeah." After a short pause, he adds, "What's odd is that I think Bobby might have guessed, too."

"Wait, what?" Chim asks dramatically. "Am I the only one who had no idea?"

"You do now," Eddie answers.

Chimney blinks and appears a bit more serious now. "I do. I'm bummed that I missed it before. Did I... did I make things worse for you at some point?"

"It was... let's say, I was making things bad for myself, but it probably didn't help when you kept spilling out information about Buck's love life."

"Oh, man. Shit, I'm really sorry! I didn't mean to..."

Eddie nods a combination of thanks and dismissal, while Hen smirks at Chim. "Hmmm. That should teach your blabbermouth not to run off all the time."

"Hey, you don't get to speak, you love my blabbermouth. You don't have to gossip because you can always feed off mine."

Hen makes a face at him before she turns her attention back to Eddie. "If you need to talk, we're here. Even that bozo," she gestures at Chim. "And for what it's worth, I saw you together and I would bet money that the two of you made a really great couple."

* * * 

Eddie breaks and goes over to Aunt Pepa's house. Maybe he should have done that a long time ago. It was when Frank asked him at one of their meetings why he hasn't that in trying to reply, he suddenly felt he had no actual good excuse and that's the main reason that pushes him up the steps to her house.

She opens the door after the second time he knocks and to his confusion, she greets him with, "Well. It's about time."

"Tia? You weren't answering any of my calls. I didn't think..."

"No, you weren't thinking, not about anything in this mess, were you? Come in," she lets him inside and leads him to her dining room table, where she signals for him to sit down. "Have you eaten anything proper lately? You look awful. Wait here and I'll get you some migas," it's not a question, but he stops her anyway.

"No, I'm full, thank you, I had a whole meal before I came here and I promise it was proper food. Do you mind sitting with me? I'd just like to talk. Please?"

It must say something about how he comes across to her, because normally, that wouldn't fly, he'd get fed migas and no amount of arguing would have helped him out of it. As it is, she sits down at the table beside him.

There's a long minute or two stretching out without either of them speaking. For Eddie, it's the heavy uncertainty of whether he should speak up first, as well as still not being sure what he wants to say, but he takes the plunge despite that. He's becoming better at it.

"Pepa, I'm sorry you had to find out that way. I know it's something that you probably can't accept, seeing me with another man, but..."

"Edmundo Diaz," she cuts him off. "You think I have a problem with you and another man?"

"You don't?" he's left baffled for the second time this visit.

She sighs and shakes her head. "My issue is that you're a married man! I may not like that chica that you're married to and I hate what she's done to you and to our Christopher, but you chose to stay married to her. Against my advice, of course," she raises her eyebrows at him as a reminder that she's always right. "You chose that and that means something, Eddito. It's a commitment that you took on, a sacred one that you should have never betrayed by stepping out with somebody else. If you couldn't honor it..." she slows down and gives him a pointed look, "because you found love somewhere else... then you should have gotten that divorce you once talked about."

"Love?" He shoots it out.

"Querido mio! Maybe I'm a little older and I don't completely understand two men together in the same way your generation does, but I'm not blind either. I know what it means, the way you two looked at each other. And I am too old to pretend that isn't rare. But you are a married man, so if you want to be with him, you have to end that."

"God, Tia," he shakes his head in disbelief and rubs his hand over his mouth and jaw, because he's not sure how to deal with this. "I really thought you were upset and going to reject me for being with a man. I don't even..." he gestures helplessly with his shoulders.

"That's the next thing I wanted to tell you, Edmundo. The biggest disappointment to me in that hospital wasn't even what you did when you're married. I disapprove and what I said stands, but I can also sort of see why you did it. What I'm most upset about is that you don't trust in us, querido. We're family. Even if we don't understand something, we'll learn. We'll adapt and grow together. Because nothing breaks family, do you hear me? Definitely not love. It disappoints me that you would keep a part of yourself hidden from us. That you wouldn't let us show you that we can accept all of you."

Eddie would have never, not in a million years, thought he would hear this. It wasn't that his family was bigoted, but they were traditional enough that everything she tells him leaves him reeling. He wants to apologize to her for his doubts and assumptions, to thank her for the unconditional nature of her love. But his mouth is dry and his mind is empty of words, so instead he hugs her in what might be the tightest hug he's ever given her. She returns it and her palm on his back draws soothing circles.

When he's finally able to let go, she nudges him. "Now I want to hear everything. What is his name, where did you find someone that handsome and when are you going to introduce him to me? I have to make sure Clarita is here when you do, she will die of jealousy. It might do her some good."

He smiles, sort of chuckles even, but it's obviously coming out sad. "His name is Buck, he's a pretty awesome firefighter and... he's not coming over, Tia. I ended it and he's left. I'm just... here, waiting to be told what's going to happen with my marriage and Chris."

* * *

Shannon calls him. Eddie has almost given up on it happening, but she calls and they establish when they're going to meet at a small cafe downtown that she likes. He gets there first and secures them a table outside. When she comes walking down the street towards him, she doesn't seem as burden-free as before.

He stands up and pulls the chair out for her, like he always has. "Hi," she says while taking her seat and it's not as cold-sounding as when they last spoke.

"Hey," he replies and for a flash, he can remember the bright young girl with big eyes and big dreams that he used to love.

"Thank you for meeting me," she says, even though it's meaningless, they both know he would have never turned this down. But it's polite. An improvement from their last interactions, so he takes it without a comment.

"Thank you for setting this up," he retaliates in kind.

A waiter comes over and they order the minimal drinks required to justify their presence at the cafe. Once he's left, Shannon gets the ball rolling.

"I'm not sure where to start. Probably with where we left off at the school. You said that Christopher needs you and..." she shrugs helplessly, "you were right. I'm doing my best and Mary tries to help, but she doesn't really understand and I'm very much alone in dealing with him. And it's different than when he was little, isn't it? He's got questions and problems that I can't figure out how to answer without you there. I think I owe you an apology, because... I didn't really understand what you were dealing with on your own all those years when I was gone. And maybe I've taken you for granted since I've been back. I'm sorry," she ends weakly.

The waiter comes by with their order and they thank him, waiting for him to leave. As soon as he does, Eddie speaks. Her apology means more to him than he would have expected. "Thank you. And please believe me that I'm sorry, too. I shouldn't have slept with someone else."

She smiles, but it's tense and bitter. "Why wouldn't you cheat, Eddie? You don't love me anymore. What you said the other day, you were right... I can tell that you used to, but you don't now and it's been a really long time since you have loved me. On some level, I must have known for a while, which is what all the insecurities and cheating accusations have been about, right? I was waiting for that other shoe to drop. Then when it finally did, when I learned about..." she pauses rather than say Buck's name, "him, I was so angry and humiliated, but... I have to admit, I wasn't jealous. You're supposed to be the love of my life, we got married, we have a beautiful kid together and then you cheat on me, but for some reason, I'm not jealous."

He listens and takes it all in, uncertain what he's meant to say or if he should speak at all. "Shannon, I'm..."

"No, let me finish, I don't want to lose my courage," she stares him dead in the eyes, determined to get everything out, "Because it wasn't easy for me, admitting to myself that I wasn't jealous. I thought maybe I wasn't because you cheated on me with another man and wouldn't that make me a homophobe if I did get jealous? But the more I thought about it, I realized that," she pauses, "I'm not jealous because it's been a really long time since I've loved you, too. And I guess in that sense, I wasn't honest either. I was lying to myself and to you about how I felt."

It's not what he expected to hear. "What are you saying?"

She tilts her head and observes passers by on the street before she returns her gaze to him. "I'm not a bad person, Eddie. I haven't been the best wife or mom, but I want to be and to do what's right for Chris. He needs both of us. For his sake, we should stay married and continue to raise him together. And if we're not in love anymore, if this is mutual, maybe we can work out an agreement around it. Like we could go to couples therapy and figure out together what to do in order to love each other again and if that fails, we can have an agreement on no sex with other people at least. Even if we're not in love, I don't want strangers in my marriage."

Eddie's at a loss. "I'm not... This, it's a lot."

"I bet," she agrees and nods understandingly, "I'm not saying you have to decide right now. You can take time to think about this. But whatever we do, we have to be on the same page, right?"

* * *

There were splinters of Buck on his mind throughout his entire conversation with Shannon. That's not new, it's become his permanent state of existence, but it was stronger during this talk. Because as she unwittingly repeated his ex-lover's words, Eddie was shaken by the realization that what his wife was hoping for is what he naturally had had with Buck. 

He was able to acknowledge that she was right, that this would be more honest than any other time they've tried to make their marriage work. He agreed to tell her his decision as soon as he had one. The most pressing matter to him was Christopher. To his great relief, she agreed that Eddie should get to visit.

It wasn't new territory, walking into Mary's house, he's been here a handful of times before. He's never felt comfortable here, though. It was always a place he'd entered as less than a guest, since Mary was never a big fan of his. It was worse than ever today, naturally. She kept staring at him in a way that made it clear if she could get away with it, no one would find his body. Shannon must have talked to her, however, and asked her to keep her disapproval to herself, because that's as far as she goes.

His wife leads him to the guest room where Chris and her have been sleeping while staying here. Eddie's stifling the aching memory of his son's empty bedroom at home. But that flies out the window as soon as the door opens up.

Before anything else, he lets out an overjoyed and relieved, "Hey, buddy!" and drops down to hug Christopher with so much might, he has to forcibly restrain himself a little. But if he holds back on how tight the hug is, he still indulges in not letting go too soon.

"Right," Shannon brings him out of it from where she's standing, over by the door. "I'm going to leave you two to catch up."

Eddie nods at her thankfully and as she closes the door of the guest room behind her, he looks back at Chris and wonders how he's ever going to leave the threshold of this house again.

"My little Superman!" he can't stop smiling, can't get enough from this reunion, "How have you been, are you enjoying staying with Auntie Mary?"

"Well... she burns my French toast. She doesn't like legos," he shakes his head in dismay, "And she doesn't hug for real. But it's alright. She does laugh at my jokes."

He grins at that. "Who wouldn't? You're hilarious. How about school, do you want to tell me how things have been there?"

As Christopher starts catching him up, Eddie's simply taking in the sight of his son in all of his unbridled brilliance for the first time up close in too long. It makes his heart too big to fit inside his own body, let alone his chest, with all of the emotions inundating him and he fights not to give in and show them, because that's not what his kid needs from him right now. As he only partly listens to these updates about school, Eddie drinks in every incredible part of Chris: the soft curls, the untamed smile, the sweet and funny chatter, the soft arms that were wrapped around him again. His son tilts the world back onto its axis, into how things should be, by his mere presence. Eddie can never be parted from him ever again and maybe that's the answer to Shannon's proposal right there.

"Chris, I wanted to talk to you about something." 

Since returning from the special exercise and starting therapy sessions with Frank, he's become gradually better about it. He still can't say he's a fan of all the talking. His main issue with it is that he can't see how it could solve any of his problems on a practical plane. And sometimes he leaves Frank's office feeling worse than when he'd arrived, having vocalized too many things that are hard to bear. But then at other times, he has to admit there is a certain relief in expressing what he's dealing with and having the hardships acknowledged by Frank. It's not a solution, but this recognition, that his problems are a lot to deal with, somehow makes him feel stronger, as if he's getting more credit for the way he continues to try. And much like his teammates' reactions to his affair revelation, Frank doesn't judge either. Here and there, he even has a suggestion that seems right.

Most of all, what Eddie takes from these meetings is that he wants to attempt talking more openly to his son and he hopes that with his ongoing therapy, he may be better at it than he has been in the past.

"Mijo, I wanted to tell you how sorry I am that I didn't get to see you for the last couple of weeks and to check in on how you've been while I wasn't around?"

Chris is quiet, maybe taken aback by being asked about his feelings. "It wasn't fun," he answers solemnly, "I missed you. But I was okay. I remembered what you said about Buck being away."

Eddie's in awe. "You realized I had to be an adult and couldn't be with you, even though I wanted to?" His son confirms it with a nod and it presses the next words out of him slowly and emphatically. "I am so proud of you for understanding that and knowing that I don't love you less, but I'm still sorry. I promise, I'm going to try and do everything I can so you don't have to go through these changes all the time." Eddie gently pulls his kid in and hugs him again.

Christopher cuddles in and still holding onto Eddie, he adds, "You're gonna help Buck come back to us?" It's astounding to be reminded how much love his son can have in his heart and how he never wavers on it, even when the adults in his life keep failing him. Eddie lets his embrace go slowly to look at him.

"I'd like to," he says, because he's decided and he's sticking by it, more honesty and openness. "There's a chance that Buck may not ever be able to come back to us. He still loves us, but..."

"Oh," Chris blinks, "then are you going after him, like Anna?"

"Anna?" Eddie's truly at a loss.

"Mm hmm. Elsa thought she had to stay away. But Anna went after her. She brought her back."

"I'm..." How does he explain to his son that life is not a Disney movie? Chris is too young to have that optimism shattered. Eddie settles for, "I don't know that I can."

"Mmm. Anna thought she needed Hans. She didn't, Dad. She was the hero."

He remembers vividly which day it was when they last watched Frozen together. "Hero? You mean, like Buck?"

"And like you." Christopher softly taps his hand against Eddie's jaw. "You're going to be alright."

* * * 

It takes him several days and working around his shifts to track down Maddie. He works at it diligently, but it's not easy. The Tampa area is bigger than he'd realized and his idea of finding her is not one that offers any short cuts. When Eddie finally manages to make the connection, he's scared of what her reaction might be once she takes the call and it dawns on her who it is she's talking to.

"Hello. This is Maddie speaking?" her voice comes through. It's rich and warm, he can imagine that maybe on her side of the conversation, she's got a big smile on and can't help asking himself whether it's anything like her brother's.

"Hi," he says awkwardly, "please don't hang up, it's Eddie." 

She goes silent and he would have assumed she did hang up, only he can hear her breathing on the end of the line.

"The Eddie?" she finally asks in a tone that's cautious and neutral. That's probably the best that he could hope for.

"That's... yeah, you could say that. He's been staying with you, hasn't he?"

"I'm not sure I should answer that."

"Okay, I get why, but... Maddie, please. I need to talk to him. I have to make things right between us. I've been trying to figure out a way to contact him and I can't think of anywhere else he might have gone to, other than to stay with you."

"I'm sorry, Eddie, I feel for you," and the way she says it, he believes her, despite what he suspects she's about to add, "but my brother comes first for me, what he needs." 'Not what you do,' is what she means.

He closes his eyes. "I'm glad he's got a sister who looks out for him. It's what he deserves. I'm not asking you to do anything that would harm him or that he'd object to. Just... maybe talk to him, see if he's open to us meeting up? I think he also deserves to have me trying to make it better for him."

There's a very long pause in the conversation. So long that he considers saying something more. Begging, even. Use the opportunity before the door closes on him, maybe forever. "I'll pass your message on," Maddie finally tells him and he can breathe again. "If he's reluctant, I won't try to change his mind."

He swallows and prays there won't be any need for that. "Thank you."

"Sure. I have to go," she says.

"Okay, but... one more quick thing? Please?"

"There's more?"

"Only that..." he's nervous about this and hopes he's not overstepping, but it's been pushing at him ever since he set his sights on speaking to her. "Look, this isn't the best time, but if I don't ever talk to you again, I have to say this. I don't know where Buck's transfer is going to take him. I'm assuming they will keep him in L.A. while you continue to live in Florida. But Maddie, you're his only real family and I'm guessing he hasn't told you how much he misses you while the two of you are apart. He gets this really lonely look in his eyes when he talks about you. I got to see it and I think he needs you closer by on a regular basis. I have no idea what that might mean in practical terms for you both, I just hope you can find some solution. Buck deserves to have his family with him."

Eddie's a little out of breath, his fear that Maddie might cut him off having rushed everything out of him. "I'm..." she sounds like she's confused at first, but then she comes to grips with this, "thank you for sharing with me. I really have to go now."

"Thank you. Goodbye."

"Bye," she echoes and hangs up. 

Their talk didn't last long, but it leaves him wanting to meet her even more than he had before and wondering if he ever would. 

* * *

Eddie isn't that familiar with Tampa, but having studied its map, he's confident that this is one of its smaller parks. The bench that he's sitting on, his bag leaning on its leg, doesn't have a view of the bay, but it is surrounded by large trees, which reminds him of their forest trail back home. He likes that, although he suspects that the reason Buck chose this spot was a practical one, that Maddie's residence was most likely nearby.

His text message was short and efficient, an announcement of place and date, giving enough time for a plane ticket to be purchased. Eddie did as soon as he got the message and was grateful to receive it, much as he was hoping for a phone call and to hear Buck's voice. But beggars can't be choosers and he's lucky to have this meeting at all. He listens to the birds and does his best not to pay the clock any mind.

When Buck shows up from the other side of the grass lawn, he's a vision. Gorgeous and unreal at the same time and it makes Eddie ache even more in all of the places where they're no longer connected.

"Hi," he stands up as Buck approaches and casually sits down on the other side of the bench, looks ahead of him and bends one long leg and places its ankle over his other thigh. No physical contact then, right. "Thanks for agreeing to meet me."

"How did you get Maddie's number?" He turns his head and their eyes meet for the first time since he arrived.

Eddie sinks his chin to his chest. Classic Buck, no beating around the bush, but the accumulating non-verbal signs of anger are still terrifying. 

Right, no fear, more honesty, more openness. Eddie raises his head back up. "It was the only idea I had for how I could get in touch with you. I called every pet store and pet beauty salon in the whole of Tampa. I didn't know what last name she goes by, so I just kept asking about whether they had a pet beautician called Maddie there. It took me a few days, you'll be shocked how many places there are in Florida that she could have been working for. And," he pulls an exaggeratedly horrified face, "I'm honestly happy your parents didn't name her something like Sarah or Jane."

Buck puffs out something that's close to laughter, sounding as if he was trying to hold back and it escaped him in spite of his efforts. 

Kids are playing on the lawn in the near-distance to the left of their bench. Further away, a few people are walking their dogs. None of them realize how a world war is being waged right next to them in the spot near Eddie's heart, between hope and despair.

Before he can add anything, Buck speaks again. "I'm sure there's things you want to say to me, but I only agreed to meet because I have something to ask of you."

"O...kay," Eddie accepts this turn of events slowly and hesitantly.

Buck takes a deep breath. "Remember how I told you by the pond that I know I have a part of you?" he shakes his head and looks away again. "See, before this, I didn't even want a tiny portion of anyone. Having one night stands with someone was fine. It was more than enough. But with you, Eddie..." he turns back, "Fuck, you made me greedy. I wanted all of you. I wanted you, with me. I should probably feel ashamed and wrong for what we had and for... for everything I was willing to abandon for you. But I can't. I love you. When we were together, it felt right. You, me and Christopher. It felt..." His voice makes Eddie suddenly recognize that Buck's blinking unseen tears away. "...more wholesome than anything else I've ever had in my life. I wanted all of you and you had all of me. That's not a secret, right? I wanted so much and I knew I couldn't have you, so I tried to settle for just that part of you that you let me have, because that was better than nothing. But even that didn't work, did it? I keep wanting, but I can't have." he twists the corner of his lips bitterly. "So I need you to back away from me. Please."

"You love me, still?" Eddie's heard the rest, but he hones in on that, because how could he not?

Buck doesn't answer, his blue eyes piercing with everything that he's not saying. Then his voice comes, low and reserved in a manner that's wholly uncharacteristic of him. "I'll get over it, don't worry. But I can't do that if you keep pulling me in, only to toss me aside again. It's why I really need you to let go."

And God help Eddie, but he can't. He has no idea what compels him to Buck, what it is that's been stronger than any reason or sense of self preservation, but his every cell sings with the comfort of them being physically near each other again and that's not something anyone could let go of. Or at least, he can't. He's certain by now in a way he never has been before that no matter what, he will always try and give Buck whatever the man wants of him, including his entire self. 

If only he could say all of that.

Buck's expecting his response and Eddie coughs nervously, kicks a small pebble at his feet. There are several potential paths stretching before them from this crossroads and it's paralyzing, that which one they end up taking and whether it will end up in happiness or misery, it all depends on him right now.

He picks up his bag from the ground and takes out a few documents, handing them over to a confused Buck. "It's divorce papers."

"I don't understand, divorce? What..."

"What happened was that Shannon put the puzzle pieces together not too long after you left."

Buck goes pale. "And she got angry and served you with these?"

"No, actually. She got angry, but then she wanted to try again, this time with all the cards on the table. Her suggestion, all I had to do was say yes. What you're holding is an authenticated copy of the divorce papers I served Shannon with."

"But... what about Chris? Everything that you said about maybe losing him in a trial?"

Eddie flinches. He's sure of his decision, but it doesn't mean he likes being reminded of the possible consequences. "Yeah, it all stands. Actually, no. My case is probably even weaker, since all the judge would see is cheating."

"And with a man. If you get a judge who's homophobic as well as racist..."

"I'm gonna be screwed over completely, yeah."

"Eddie, you can't lose custody of Chris just so you make a point to me..."

"I'm not," he objects, "I'm not making a point, I'm doing what he asked me to. Shannon's moved out, but I've been seeing him and he misses you. A lot," his voice grows softer, "Maybe as much as I do. He wanted me to go after you and bring you home."

One of the most wonderful things about Buck is how his face tells the story of every emotion he's having and the way it's transformed with every mention of Chris does things to Eddie that he will never be able to fully understand himself. Buck's concern is so genuine and yet, he also softens visibly at that last assertion.

"I miss him too," he admits, "but he's just a kid, he doesn't understand what it would mean..."

"No, I think he's right. I hadn't seen him in a while. So, I was listening to him asking me to bring you home and all I could concentrate on was how much I want him to be happy. That's it, that's all that matters. He loves you, Buck. I have no doubt he can't be happy without you there anymore." There's blush that spreads across Buck's cheeks prettily and the smile that he can't prevent from overtaking his lips when he hears that. Eddie pushes on. "You know what else? He grew up with two parents who were either absent or at odds with each other. He deserves love, to have a household where the adults he's growing up with are in love, to see and experience what that's like."

"Eds..." Buck's expression is a reluctant 'don't,' almost begging Eddie to stop, but he only hears that endearment term. It's all the encouragement he needs to continue with even more passion than before.

"You think he's the only one who misses you? Who can't be happy without you? You have more of me than anyone else ever has. I fucked up, I was scared of being with you because I was convinced that I was going to hurt my son. But what if I'm hurting him by denying myself love? I'd never want that kind of life for him. So what sort of an example am I setting up for him?" He holds up the corner of the documents Buck has in his hands. "This is proof that if you come back, I'll never ask you to leave again. I'm scared of losing Chris, but I will fight for custody of him. And I'm ready, I want to be with you and to show you every day that you deserve love, too."

The tears in Buck's eyes have been visible for a while, not enough of them to be shed, but most definitely there. His Adam's apple moves as he swallows. "All of this, Eddie," he shakes his head again, putting the papers aside. "You could have just said 'I love you', moron."

Eddie bites his lip. Hope sparkles in every part of his body. "Maybe," he says, without conviction, "but am I your moron?"

Buck leans his head to the side a bit, as if he's appraising the situation, but in his eyes there's also all of the beautiful fierceness that makes him who he is when he answers, "Yeah, I think I'm kind of stuck with you."

For a second, Buck's eyes aren't the only ones moist with tears, because it's not happening, can't be, it's a hallucination of complete and perfect happiness. But then their bodies change angles and Buck, at long last, is tilting himself towards Eddie instead of away from him, bringing a hand up to cup his face, drawing him in and kissing him, both sweet and desperate to capture this new reality in tactile vividness.

* * *

**Epilogue**

They're preparing breakfast together, all three of them. They don't have to worry about lunch, it's been taken care of for them by Abuela, who was horrified to hear what food Eddie got them for their last picnic. "If you're going into the forest, to have another one at that clearing you were talking about, you need real food," she insisted before sending Buck and Eddie each with a big tupperware box packed full of delicacies. 

Buck is standing by the stove and trying a new recipe he's learned since he's been taking some cooking lessons from Bobby. Chris is standing by him, watching the sauce bubbling as it reaches boiling point.

"We should buy Cap a present," he determines, still fascinated by the sight.

"What for, buddy?" Eddie asks.

"You're cooking less," his son replies cheekily and Buck laughs before he uses his free hand to high five Christopher.

Eddie feigns being hurt, but it's to hide his grin. He actually makes a mental note to do exactly what Chris suggested, though not for the reason he had in mind. After Eddie and Buck returned to L.A. together, when they went into the station to see their friends and share their news, Buck mentioned his uncertainty over his transfer and where it would take him.

"Have you heard anything about when it's going to happen?" Bobby asked.

"No, not yet," Buck confessed.

"Hmmm, weird. You should have had at least a date for the transfer by now. I could check again, make sure I didn't misplace your form by mistake and failed to submit it," their Captain said with a straight face, before a smile spread across his lips. It was a good day, Buck was so elated to discover he would remain with the 118, he didn't even let Chim apologize for his past gossip. It was enough to be with their friends, feel embraced by them and know that they'll all remain a part of the same team.

Eddie slips his arms around Buck's waist, connects them over his tummy and kisses his nape. It's a natural gesture of intimacy and love, the kind Eddie never had when he was growing up and that he was happy Chris was now being exposed to. Buck turns his head to the side and they exchange a peck.

"Oh, Eds," he says, "don't forget to ask Pepa about having Chris over for the day on Sunday."

"I will, thanks for reminding me. Is Maddie finished with her packing?"

"Kind of. Almost everything is in cardboard boxes already, but she's struggling with all the books and pet beauty products." Buck scrunches up his nose, which earns him another kiss on the side of his neck and he chuckles lightly at that. He had told Eddie at the park, before he took him to Maddie's apartment that despite her warning, his sister actually did say she thought they should meet.

"She liked that you cared enough to tell her how much I miss her," Buck filled him in that day. "Thank you, by the way. She's considering moving to L.A., I got the impression that she was lonely as well, but you gave her the push she needed to think about this."

"Okay, mijo," Eddie told Chris, "go wash your hands, I think breakfast is almost ready."

They're not in a great rush today, but after their picnic, they have to drop Christopher by Shannon's new place. His ex-wife took the news of his decision to divorce pretty badly. She might not have been in love with Eddie anymore, but he reckoned it still broke her heart, maybe more in terms of her hopes and the direction in which she didn't want to see her life turning. That made him fear how ugly the fight between them might become. It took quite a while, but to his surprise, she called him one afternoon and brought up the option of using a mediator. "I told you, Eddie. I'm not a bad person. I want what's right for Chris," she said weakly.

"I never thought you were, Shannon. Thank you." There wasn't much to add beyond that. The meetings with the mediator weren't easy and Buck had to sit them out, which neither of them was too happy about, but they worked out a custody agreement they both saw as fair and which guaranteed Chris would have an equal amount of time in both households.

"Can you take over stirring for me, Eds?" Buck breaks him out of his reverie.

"Huh, you know I'm always stirring for you," Eddie grinned.

"Oh wow, really? That's... that's your best flirting line?"

"It's not flirting if it's an accurate statement of facts."

Buck groans, rolls his eyes and yet somehow laughs at this, too. He moves over to where his cell phone is placed on the counter. "Mind if I put on some music?"

"Of course not."

He scrolls through his phone and the sounds fill the kitchen like a hymn might a church. The lyrics and melody are familiar, but the tone is different from the one Eddie has heard before. It's delicate, inspired and warmly hopeful. "Is that...?"

Buck nods. "It's a cover version. Nice, right? It's got a different feel to the original, it's not as adrift. I think it sounds more like..."

"Like getting a second chance," Eddie completes. 

This is his second chance and he gets to dream it in great, routine detail with Buck every day, for the rest of their lives. He never wants to wake up from this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can find the cover of _The Night We Met_ by Cimorelli, which Eddie and Buck discuss in the epilogue, posted together with a full [playlist](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24719680/chapters/63950617) for this fic. Enjoy!


End file.
